Not knowing you were different

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I hear a lot about people here (usually with AS) talk about how different they knew they were. I didn't. I would have been 22 when I finally realised that I had poor social skills. You see when I started to hang out with people I thought that was enough. I barely said anything but the thing was I was at least sitting with people.

So, anyone else not realise they were different?

I always knew I was different, but that has nothing to do with my social skills. I only realised my social skills were poor when someone pointed it out to me, when I was 23 (before I thought I was just shy. Only when I was told about it did I realise that I missed a lot of subtext that everyone else found obvious). And I only started to realise I may be on the autism spectrum a year ago. I'm now 34.

I didn't. I realized I was different, but I did not realize that my difference was a matter of neurology and social, sensory, attention, and other deficits. I just thought people thought I was a good choice of someone to treat horribly, but I didn't know why.

I didn't realize that the symptoms of ADHD, Asperger's Syndrome, and my sensory issues were unusual in any way. Most of my problems I blamed on all kinds of things, usually the wordsI was abused with while I was growing up: lazy, stupid, etc. I started working out there was something up in my mid-20s, when I was trying to work out why I was seemingly sabotaging myself all the time, but that mainly led to depression.

It took so long because of a combination of internalized ableism, a lack of self-awareness, and a general lack of support from family and friends.

Anyway, I think I first thought it might be autism in the late 90s, when I started realizing that I repeated myself a lot when talking to people, and repeated other people as well - I first noticed this after going without enough sleep over a weekend, but it kept happening no matter what my state of mind or rest (and it still happens). I didn't really deal with it because I didn't really fit the stereotype. I came close in 2003 when I found out a friend from high school had been diagnosed with AS, and some of the things about his diagnosis sort of rang bells for me, but I again just sort of denied it and moved on. I was meeting more and more autistic people (mostly AS) online and I had an easy time identifying them, which I found odd, but I didn't really think too hard about it. I did briefly wonder if I had borderline personality disorder when I read one of the first signs people notice is how their lives are in uncontrollable chaos (or seem to be to them) but the actual symptoms didn't fit.

I finally realized what part of the puzzle was (AS) a few years ago, but I promptly went into denial (well, a very thin denial, to be honest). ADHD came up, I thought that explained all the AS stuff I suspected, but as it turned out no.

The vast majority of my socializing for my adult life was related directly to my interests, so pretty much everything I did had that purpose behind it. When it came to my attempts at work and school, I really wasn't all that good at the socializing and the small talk, but I didn't assign much importance to it because when I worked within my interests I did pretty well.

I nearly had a therapist in 2002, and may have brought my problems up with her, but she was fired from the clinic that the Oregon Health Plan was willing to pay for, and after that everything was support groups and nothing more, plus I didn't have a clue how to navigate it all without help.

Last edited by Verdandi on 10 Feb 2011, 6:55 am, edited 1 time in total.

I always knew I was different. However, my HFA cousin and my PDD-NOS roommate don't seem to realize they are different.

Maybe it is more of a HFA thing. I've always just been oblivious to pretty much everything. I never even thought of making friends. It was just me in my own world. I sort of did have my own opinion about the world but I'm probably much more aware of things now.
In a way I miss the old me.

I've long thought I was different but always thought people just didn't like me. I never connected it to social skills until the last year or two.

I knew I was different, but I thought it was because I choosed to be different.

I actually thought a long time that people were just faking body language better than me, because they did it all the time and were therefore more convincing, so no: I didnt have the idea until around 18 that I really was different, and also thereafter I doubted it, but it was around then that I had the thought the first time.

I thought a long time between ca. 21-28 that I had issues because of external circumstances, which I was convinced that I could straighten up. I doubt that I ever would have found out that Im aspie if my brother wouldnt find out that he is.

I think in the Attwood book it mentions that they often know by 6 or 8. I certainly knew at an early age. I would see other kids playing during unstructured time in the classroom and not know wtf they were doing. I remember staring at them trying to figure out how they knew to form groups, play checkers or chess, etc. They were like a life sized ant farm to me.

I knew I was different from a young age, but I didn't know why. It just hit me one day when I was playing all alone and I saw other kids playing in groups.

Okay, not knowing this aspect from a young age is unusual for AS?

I didn't mind being alone (preferred it usually) because I could read or whatever, whereas if I got attention, it was usually hostile.

I knew I was different (it was back in the 1950- sort of timeframe), but my mom convinced me that was god's plan.
That explanation got me through the next fifty years...

hehe my mother convinced me that the other kids were just jealous of me, that helped for a few years..

i am not different to anyone else...they are all different to me.

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Knew that I likely looked at everything a little differently than others. Did not discover the right words to describe aspects of it until about age 27 - words like: ADHD Inattentive, central auditory processing disorder (CAPD), and mild, left-side dyspraxia. More words: whole (forest) vs parts (trees), short term/working memory (glitch), etc. The only reason that I could slowly put together small aspects of what was going on was due to luckily finding a partially effective medicine for ADHD Inattentive. For some reason, am quite sensitive in a positive fashion to the old medicine: coffee, caffeine compounds, which for me work better (not a cure) than stronger stimulants - alerting agents such as Ritalin, Dexedrine, and Adderall. Today am very aware that my ability to naturally paying attention, process information, and use my memory is substantially different than how most persons do it. I had an involuntary fragmentation of reality from birth (an extremely short attention span, letter span, digit span) compared with most persons. The medicine for ADHD Inattentive, for me, causes sustained attention to occur for me for about 4 hours or so. Have looked a little at the topic of paying attention from neurology - which includes a variety of areas like: ADHD Inattentive, petit/absence/TLE/complex partial and so, brain injuries, sports concussions, consequences of encephalitis, etc., the neuron, neurons, neurotransmitter(s), lateralization of the brain, etc. Persons with subtle brain injuries/whatever do perceive reality a little differently than most persons. It can take many persons months, even years, to very, very slowly sort parts of it out.

I've always known I'm different, but didn't realize I had poor social skills until I got diagnosed with & started researching AS.

I was very much in my own world and had no idea I was different until I got into middle school, but I think that was only because people started to tease me more openly for being strange.