Trying to help my sister - Is she possibly undiagnosed?

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Hi guys. Some of this information will be hard to relay simply because my sister is almost 30 now. Therefore, I don't know what habits or personality traits are relevant or which exist simply because she has been living that long.

My family has four kids, and a mother and father. We never had rough time growing up at all. Everyone always has a good time together, except my oldest sister, who I'll call Anne. My two other sisters, both older than me, couldn't really be closer. We spend a bunch of time together and we know everything about each one. However, Anne has refused to hold any relationship with my second-oldest sister, who I'll call Marie, since they were young children. So, before I was born. I have never seen them laughing or smiling with each other. Anne can chat with other members of my family just fine.

Now on to the habits of Anne. It has always been much harder to deal with Anne because she exhibits some odd personality traits that aren't really in line with the rest of my family. In middle school - high school, she would enter tantrums very very easily, leaving my parents so baffled that they didn't even know what to do. This might be weird, but I remember her throwing an apple across my house and hitting a wall near me. I guess I grew up thinking that my sister just got mad sometimes, but now I'm sick and tired of the divide in my family and I want to do something about it.

My parents always told me how hold two fingers in her mouth as a child, which I suppose my be irrelevant. Though I don't remember it, she also had some fairly severe speech problems, something like a lisp. She speaks perfectly fine today; in clear and complete sentences. She had a very rough time in high school, with few friends and a hatred for the popular students. She would often fail tests and refuse to do homework. She went to community college then tried to get her degree at a college close by. To this day, none of us actually know if she graduated. We just have to go by her word. She continued tantrums into this area of her life, slamming doors (and breaking them) and screaming loudly. After that, she was very slow to move out, living with my parents until she was maybe 25-26 (I guess that's not too late but she was always very stubborn about it). I guess the only reason she doesn't exhibit those symptoms now is that she has very little to provoke her.

Now, remember, through all of this, she rejects any relationship with my sister Marie. It's hard for me to communicate the severity of the divide - if Marie says anything to her (even in a well mannered tone), there is attitude back. One word, attitude-ridden responses. It's all I've ever known. Marie has finished trying to build a relationship with her, and for very good reason. For all she knows, this awkward sister of hers hates her and never wants to speak with her - for no reason at all.

Returning to Anne, she is extremely stubborn and cannot keep any area of hers clean. Somewhat like the A&E show "Hoarders." My parents could never convince her to clean her room and she treats her car the same way. This all embarrasses me slightly, but I need to tell to facts to facts, I guess. If you attempt to bring anything up to her, for instance her relationship with Marie, or, the fact that she so badly needs health insurance, or that she needs to get her car fixed...she'll simply leave you. She'll say one response like "Leave me alone," then leave. One cannot talk to her.

I know this is all a little long winded, but I'm just so desperate for a chance to make an attempt. I'm unsure if my medical history is relevant, but I am a type 1 diabetic, and have a form of epilepsy where I experience simple partial seizures. I think my entire family deals with anxiety on some form as well.

I don't know guys, whatever you can contribute would be appreciated so greatly. I'll answer any questions.

Thanks,
Pat

just bringing this to the top.

thanks.

It it a truism that if your sister does not want to be helped, no effort on your part will help her. But it is a truism because it is often true. If she does not recognize a need for help then she won't seek it. Perhaps you need to make her aware of some of the things that are holding her back so she will start to reach out. Once she starts to reach out you can bring up things like AS in a less threatening manner.

It could be AS, or it could be something else. It's hard to say.

Whatever the case, though, it sounds like your sister definitely needs to get some professional help. Her behavior sounds very disruptive and problematic.

It may not be your place to get her to go in to see a doctor, however, as she is legally an adult now.

The best bet you have it to just talk with her about it, and explain your position calmly and rationally. Tell her that you think she might have AS, give her the facts, and encourage her to look into it. If you need to, let her know the impact she's had on your family. She may honestly be ignorant to it.

You need to realize, though, that the decision of whether to seek treatment or not is ultimately up to her. She may also be offended if you insinuate that she's got issues. Some people get very defensive, particularly about mental health...they assume that means that they have some sort of defect. It can be seen as criticism. Still, though, she might be receptive to the idea. You never know.

Approach with caution, would be my suggestion. Expect the best, prepare for the worst.

IMO, she doesn't really sound AS to me. But even if she is, it sounds like she really doesn't want anything to do with anyone and doesn't want help. People with Asperger's have meltdowns and get frustrated sometimes, but they can hold some responsibility for their actions (i.e., not throw temper tantrums all the time/have people walk on eggshells around them constantly).

Thanks so much for the replies, guys. I really appreciate it.

I guess it's hard for me to spit out those first words, "I think you need to seek help." It's as if she built this whole sheltered life for herself and she's now conditioned to it. But, it's gone on too long for me to continue to ignore it. Here goes nothing.

Thanks again. Take care.