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StevieC
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26 Feb 2011, 12:53 pm

what does this even mean?

when i asked further, i was told "just be chatty, and dont look so depressed"


the first thing that came to my brain was "variable: undefined; arg not supported; return"

seriously, how do you just "be sociable"?



zee
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26 Feb 2011, 12:59 pm

depends--who tells you to act this way? (is there a reason you should do what they say?)



emlion
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26 Feb 2011, 1:04 pm

force yourself to talk to people, all that boring small talk 'oh the weathers nice, isn't it?' etc. yawn.
if someone said that to me i'd say 'no thanks, i'm fine as i am.'



League_Girl
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26 Feb 2011, 1:10 pm

Talking to people.



StevieC
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26 Feb 2011, 1:12 pm

speaking to new people in the pub. or rather, the lack of doing so.


this one of my friends that told me to "be sociable"



Mar1976
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26 Feb 2011, 2:21 pm

They were trying to help I suppose!

But when I've been told something along those lines, in my head I'm thinking "but why should I if I have nothing to add to the conversation? Why should I when I can't keep up with what's being said? Why should I if I find it a struggle to even try? And when I do try, 80% of the time it's disasterous, followed by an awkward silence and funny looks!"
I don't really understand why some people cannot just let someone who doesn't say very much 'just be'; who will occasionally add to the conversation when THEY want to and not just to fill a void or because someone forces them to say something, anything......

"Join in" is the most recent 'advice' I've been given (after another joke I didn't get), and I suppose that's good advice if you want to appear 'normal'/sociable; but if you genuinely don't know how to react, or what to say to something then the advice is pretty useless!

I suppose it's about practice/repetition of social 'skills'. But there doesn't seem to be a hard and fast rule 'handbook' for that, social interactions differ depending on who's there, what's being discussed (or what's being said just to fill the silence!), what setting you're in.

I wish I could help!



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26 Feb 2011, 2:22 pm

I think for an NT, being sociable is often very easy--especially for extroverted NTs. They assume that because it is easy for them it must be easy for everybody; they don't really think about what it's like not to be good at it.

So they say "just be sociable" because they assume you know what that entails and that it's as easy for you as it is for them.


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26 Feb 2011, 2:39 pm

Overly simplistic advice, presumably from someone who doesn't have a problem with socializing.

You can't just decide to be sociable or happy or relaxed or anything else. If changing yourself were that easy, no one would ever have any problems with depression, anxiety, talking to people, etc. If someone comes naturally to someone, they may not realize it isn't as simple as just deciding to talk more.



JSMC
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26 Feb 2011, 2:49 pm

Being social doesn't only involve taling to others, you also need to act social. Which mean smile to people when they smile at you, don't invade their personnal space but don't be too far away. Accept when you are touched or huged. Get interest in what they say, don't just talk about your personnal experiences. Change subject when you talked about it for more than a few minutes and don't go back to it. Casual conversation involves many theme changes, sometime a theme can last a few sentences, which lead to another topic, than another, than another... I think this is why Asperger have a hard time with casual conversation, the topic change so many time in a small time range that it's hard to follow if you focus on only on one subject.



MrXxx
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26 Feb 2011, 2:53 pm

StevieC wrote:
"variable: undefined; arg not supported; return"


:lol:

Yeah. Might as well just say, "Be somebody else!"

Sorry, no. This is who I am. If you don't like it, talk to somebody else.


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26 Feb 2011, 3:42 pm

StevieC wrote:
when i asked further, i was told "just be chatty, and dont look so depressed"


Yeah. While you are at it, you should start speaking in Latin; everybody in ancient Rome could do it. Why can't you?

I really do not understand why people have the desire to give this sort of advice. If you could do it, then you probably would be doing it.

I would love to be sociable. I just need step-by-step instructions on how to do it. I have never found someone who is willing to do that for me. Until that happens, I am forced to figure it out on my own, and I am doing a pretty lousy job at that.


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26 Feb 2011, 4:07 pm

Many people tell me go out, meet people! When I ask them what does it exactly mean, they reply oh, just go somewhere and enjoy. What a priceless advice!

Yensid wrote:
I would love to be sociable. I just need step-by-step instructions on how to do it. I have never found someone who is willing to do that for me.

Me too.


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JSMC
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26 Feb 2011, 4:15 pm

Yensid, I had a hard time figuring out I was asperger because I managed to overcome social problem and seemed "normal" to others because I've developped some behavior that helped me with other. Like you said I had to learn it the hard way, and I wished it would've been taught, but I was lucky enough to have a good familly who helped me socialize and a great group of friends who do not judge.

It's indeed hard to socialize, but when you find common ground, and people who are sincere, you will diminish your anxiety.



Yensid
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26 Feb 2011, 4:30 pm

JSMC wrote:
Yensid, I had a hard time figuring out I was asperger because I managed to overcome social problem and seemed "normal" to others because I've developped some behavior that helped me with other. Like you said I had to learn it the hard way, and I wished it would've been taught, but I was lucky enough to have a good familly who helped me socialize and a great group of friends who do not judge.


Sadly, my family was not good at socializing, so they could not teach me.

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It's indeed hard to socialize, but when you find common ground, and people who are sincere, you will diminish your anxiety.


My problem is not anxiety. Even when I am completely relaxed, I have problems. My problem is total cluelessness. I need someone to give me a clue.


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JSMC
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26 Feb 2011, 4:35 pm

I'm sorry to say it, but I don't think anybody would do this for you. People individualism is so high that they don't want to get too much involved in helping others. You have to work your way out. It's hard, I,ve been there, and got help but was not taken by the hand... only when I was in big distress. I got lucky I guess.



Yensid
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26 Feb 2011, 4:40 pm

JSMC wrote:
I'm sorry to say it, but I don't think anybody would do this for you. People individualism is so high that they don't want to get too much involved in helping others. You have to work your way out. It's hard, I,ve been there, and got help but was not taken by the hand... only when I was in big distress. I got lucky I guess.


I know that nobody will do this. I'm just saying that figuring it out by myself isn't working.


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