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CoffeeBeans
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28 Feb 2011, 12:54 am

Would like some other perspectives maybe? Don't be nasty though please because I'm already feeling really anxious.

I've been estranged from my Mother and Brothers for years now. I only have a relationship with my Dad. I feel really angry because my Mother and Brothers go around telling mutual acquaintences that I was a horrid pain who ruined their family making up stories of child abuse. They say I'm wrong in the head, a drama queen, used to whine too much as a kid.

It's cutting me up because now I'm diagnosed AS, I worry if they are right and the life I remember isn't real. Factually I know I didn't 'do' the awful stuff like they did to me. They hit me, called me names etc. One Brother broke a lot of furniture and stuff and both were constantly in trouble for fighting at primary school. My Dad says he felt sorry for me as the youngest and the only girl because they beat me up all the time as little kids. He says I was the good child out of the three of us, the one who liked to mind her own business and sit and read or play with her stuffed animal collection. But whereas they calmed down a bit and settled into reclusion as teenagers, I came out of my shell in my teenage years and finally 'stood up' for myself and started trying to find my personality. I was an introverted kid who teachers really liked when I was little. I didn't start having trouble until I was a bit older and instructions and social demands got more complex. My Mother never really did anything with or for me, she told me once that she never bothered with me because I could look after myself whereas my Brothers couldn't. I went through social turmoil and bouts of depression but I came out the other side in my twenties. In my teens my GP wrote me up as 'emotionally unstable' - git.

Okay thinking logically, growing up, I happen to know that my Mother never had any friends - neither did my eldest brother. I did. I still have friends now. I have twice as many facebook friends than any of them do and I have always had a much more active social life too. Sure I am too honest and upset people sometimes, but I still always get the party invites and always have done - whereas they didn't. Some people always liked me, whereas people didn't really like them as a general rule. A few people like my middle brother but that's just from online gaming stuff he does. I'm not as intellectually advanced as they are, but I remember at high school being told to 'think myself lucky [I] had social skills unlike my brothers' by the pastoral manager. They didn't get into trouble like I did, but then I don't think they ever really lived like I did. I tried to keep up with the other kids - going to the fair, cinema, pub, gigs etc. My Mother and my Brothers never did any of that stuff. They used to say it was pathetic how I 'went through friends' and kept falling out with people as a teenager but isn't that what even normal people do at that age?! I just did more of it because I took a lot longer to learn how to make the right kind of friends in a properly mutual way.

Growing up they hit me all the time but they say it's not abuse, everyone gets hit by their brothers and I'm just a drama queen. Well I'm sure they have been hit too but several times a week for fifteen years? Really? Also they say my eldest brother touching me 'downstairs' wasn't sexual abuse whereas I say it was. I'm not saying it's a matter for the police, I only ever wanted an apology because I was really disturbed by it as I got older and realised it had been wrong. I hadn't known it was wrong at the time, it just hadn't occured to me until AFTER I'd done sex education at school and learned a bit from friends etc. What really winds me up about that is that my Mother says I lied whereas my other Brother says he told her the truth and that yes, it really did happen, he remembers it too (the eldest touched both of us on and off for a few years). And yet despite this he stills goes around saying to other people that I'm a liar. I don't understand?!?! Has he just forgotten about this part maybe? As far as I know, he doesn't speak to the older brother either. I'm not sure, I think he basically doesn't speak to either of us but goes on about me because I'm the one who rocked the boat by breaking ties and making a fuss.

So factually speaking, what I'm trying to get at here, is surely I can't be the bigger ars***** in all of this? So why do they keep saying that I am? Why do they say I am lying when I can see clear memories in my head of lots of times when I was hit / belittled / threatened etc. I can remember our filthy house, smacks round the face and put down after put down. I know people with AS can perceive things wrong but surely this is a factual matter? I could choose to ignore the negatives if there were positives to outweight them, that would be a perception matter sure - but I really don't remember many positives at all to my childhood!

I hope I've made sense. I feel really bitter about all this sometimes, it's been dragged up again by a nasty facebook comment I've just been told my Brother has put up about me (mutual friend). They don't know I'm diagnosed, I took my Dad to the assessment. They know about my son though. I know they can't have realised it's in the family themselves because my Mother now has another daughter and she is clearly high functioning autistic. I knew her for the first few years and her developemental problems were textbook autistic. She also had a speech delay, only has one friend at the age of 12 and is on the school special needs register for learning difficulties. If she's not diagnosed then I can't see that they have realised.

I want to put my past behind me but of course, being AS, I am finding that hard without being able to fit it into a nice little black and white box!! !



Yensid
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28 Feb 2011, 3:20 am

CoffeeBeans wrote:
I worry if they are right and the life I remember isn't real.


Denial is a way of life for dysfunctional families.

Quote:
So factually speaking, what I'm trying to get at here, is surely I can't be the bigger ars***** in all of this? So why do they keep saying that I am? Why do they say I am lying when I can see clear memories in my head of lots of times when I was hit / belittled / threatened etc. I can remember our filthy house, smacks round the face and put down after put down.


It is quite likely that you will never get what you want from them. That is just the way that dysfunctional families behave. My father would regularly have fits of rage, where he would sometimes abuse me physically and sometimes he would come up with the most insane punishments. This was generally triggered by some fairly minor transgression on my part. The punishment was way out of line with the crime, and really depended on his mental state, not on my actions. It took me a long time to realize this. I went through life with the feeling that even the smallest mistake was a horrible crime, to be punished brutally. Even after I was to old for the abuse, I continued to judge myself viciously for any failing.

After one of these attacks of insanity, my father would often do something nice for me. I suppose that was his way of apologizing, but in truth, it probably confused me more than it helped me. He never apologized for his behavior. He never explained that his behavior was based more on his mental state than on my actions. I suppose that he was ashamed.

My sister is in complete denial. While she does not deny our father's behavior, she minimizes it and tells me that it was not as bad as it really was. I know how bad it was, and I resent the way that she tries to tell me that it is less than it was.

My mother is completely oblivious. She never saw anything, and she does not want anybody to spoil her happy illusion.

Expecting some sort of validation from your family is probably a lost cause. You may want to continue to try to get some confirmation from them, but do not hope for it. You should just hold tight to your memories. You know what you went through, and nobody can take that away from you. Nobody can force you to believe something that you know is false.


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mikeseagle
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28 Feb 2011, 4:12 am

Yensid wrote:

Denial is a way of life for dysfunctional families.


I agree that your brothers and mother are going through denial. It is a lot easier for a person to deny something then blame it on someone else.

Quote:
So factually speaking, what I'm trying to get at here, is surely I can't be the bigger ars***** in all of this? So why do they keep saying that I am? Why do they say I am lying when I can see clear memories in my head of lots of times when I was hit / belittled / threatened etc. I can remember our filthy house, smacks round the face and put down after put down.


Easier to say you lied than admit that they where part of the problem. As long as they keep denying it then it will be a problem for you. The best way to deal with the problem is to defend yourself regardless of what they think. In a calm manner talk to your friends and explain your side of the story. Let them decide who to believe.

The point being is to remain clam about it and believe in yourself. It would be nice if your brothers and mother admitted to it, but you cannot do anything about that. Since there is nothing you can do about it then there is no need to worry about it. Maybe in some time in the future they will have the courage to admit it or you will reach the point that will no longer be a issue for you. At that point you will be able to put the past behind you. :)



kfisherx
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28 Feb 2011, 12:19 pm

black/white

End relationships with family now!

:)

I know it isn't THAT easy for you perhaps but my shrink says to not continue relationships that are harmful even if they are family ones. I agree with him.