Advice and thoughts please...

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Hi,
I was wondering if anybody could give me their opinions/thoughts on my situation. Also I have never used a forum, so if I am posting in the wrong section, very sorry.

So I recently had a meeting in work (an apprasial type thing) and they brought up my behaviour and the way I interact with staff. They said they find me very difficult to read and cannot tell how I am feeling etc... They said it is almost as if I go blank and emotionless when they ask things like how was your weekend? how are you today? etc... I sort of shrugged it off but to be honest this is something I realised from a young age. I felt overwhelmed when I was asked stuff like this, so I developed a way of dealing with it... I realise that on a Monday morning everybody would ask how was your weekend? So on the bus/train to school/work I would think of the appropriate answer and the correct way to say it.

Now it is silly little things like this that are playing on my mind... Like why did I do this? Why am I not able to have a flowing conversation like people I see around me? I use to think it was because I have low self-esteem/ confidence and just not interested in what people have to say... Don't get me wrong there are people I can communicate fine with, for instance, my family... My boyfriend, although he does say I will talk and talk and talk about the same thing... and he has to tell me to stop... He also says that I am more concerned with what I want to do and talk about and neglect him... Also I am able to communicate with people well on a one to one basis, but this does depend on who the person is and so on... Also sometimes I feel prefectly able to get on with people and I can joke and do normal things and act in a normal way...

Anywho getting to the point, after this meeting I went online and started to look at ways to be more sociable and to give me some answers as to why I behaviour this way. Eventually I came across Autism and Asperger's... A lot of what I have read did make sense... but I question everything and am very self critical... and am able to think up alternative reasons as to why I do certain things... but I came across something called Stereotype or stimming.... I'm pretty sure you all know about this so no need to explain...

I think this is something I do... My parents used to tell me about when I was younger I used to place pens in front of me and tense all my muscles/ shake/ flap hands/ make funny facial expressions etc... I remember playing video games and doing this, but it was sort of enjoyable... Eventually I stopped doing this because the attention I got from the people who saw me doing it... They would laugh and so on... I remember doing it in school as well but got the same response... so I stopped doing it there too.... I don't know why but I still do this... I flick my fingers/flap my hands/ tense my muscles/ make some noises and clap... I only do this when I'm certain nobody is around i.e. bathroom and bedroom... To be honest I thought this was something that everybody did but didn't talk about because it is embarrassing... quite naive for a 21 year old but I don't know... It was the way I justified why I did it... I do this everyday and find it very enjoyable... Sort of like meditation... Sometimes I will do this whilst looking at pictures, listening to music, organising my clothes/room... Thinking about what I am going to do tomorrow or what I have done during the day... Is there another reason why I do this?

I'm not sure what to do... I have always sort of known about Asperger's because my Brother was diagnosed with it in his teens... So if I did have this or something similar wouldn't it have been picked up by now? I remember visiting Doctor's and my Mum telling people I was withdrawn... Till this day I am still not completely sure what she meant by that...

I have researched the triad of impairments and I feel like I can apply to all of them... But like I said I am able to think of alternative reasons/answers... I have booked an appointment to see my GP this Friday coming but am unsure on what to say... Also at the same time I have to go to work tomorrow and this is all I can think about... I feel overwhelmed by going and not going, or having to wait till Friday to go...

Last night my boyfriend convinced me to tell him what is wrong (because I had been acting differently) so I did, and It was like my whole world fell down... He said he doesn't know much about Asperger's or Autism, but he did say you act and react differently to others.

He said he would come on Friday but I feel I may call in sick tomorrow and go to the Doctor's... Is this the right decision?


What should I do? Does this sound like something is there? Could I just be overreacting? What would you do?

Sorry for the long post

it does sound like you misht have AS, but if you aren't sure, then it would be best to see what a psychologist etc says. getting a diagnosis wont change whether you have it or not, but if I were uncertain like you, then I would recommend getting one. sorry if that doesnt really help, but im not really the best with advice

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