Dealing with very high functioning aspie meltdowns

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I have gotten a lot of help from you guys in the past. I really need your help again. I have told you guys about my incredible aspie husband. He is a self made inventor who has endured a lot and has really remade himself.


He is working too hard again---hell, that's his obsession, but the business we built from nothing is really doing well. His meltdowns, which manefest as very sour mood swings are really grinding me down. he basically has these meltdowns 2-3 times a week. He will get really intense, then he starts nonstop complaining. self pity, picks an argument about nothing, then everything is my fault.

He literally takes in nothing during these episodes. You cannot reason with him in any way---it is just nonstop bitching at that point. Now later, there is no bitching, and he is content, loving, and peaceful. However, my needs are not being met. I am an aspie as well, though I am far ahead of him in managing meltdowns.

He says ridiculous stuff like he "needs to leave for x country" or "we need to separate." Now, we have a special bond. I tell him to "please leave", many times, hell, the door is open----and he won't leave. I mean, it's just screwed up crap talk. He says he doesn't have friends (he does). I have asked him nicely to please go visit his friends many times--he won't


We want to move from this area. he is adamant. I am in agreement. But when I saw "Hey, let's look for a new place", or "let me pick us out a place"---he won't do anything. makes excuses not to go.

He claims he loves his ATV---we have ridden the thing 6-7 times in 3 years. I tell him to take the ATV to the track (an hour from here)---he won't. I said "let's take the ATV out"---again, no. I say, "hey, let's do X"----he vehemenantly refuses, but then out of the same breath he complains how bored he is.

Again, if he was content---I wouldn't make suggestions---but he is always complaining about how bored he is---and when I make suggestions, he refuses. So this is crap talk.

He wants to b***h, he doesn't want to solve problems.

Now to his defense, he is a great husband in many other ways. He is brilliant, self-reliant, hardworking, and much like John Wayne in temperment.

But I am not his mommie, I am tired of dealing with these incredibly childish and destructuve tirades. I have made this very, very clear to him---in very plain language, but he still does this and won't try to modify so as not to be so destructuve to me.

(( HUGS ))

My 11-year-old son is high functioning Asperger's and my husband is not diagnosed, but has alot of similarities to him. Both of their meltdowns are tirades/rants/bitching sessions that can go on and on and on and be really negative and somewhat abusive and destructive to my self esteem and peace of mind. My husband has gotten so much better and is not really abusive in his language anymore and his meltdowns are also very much improved. He sought therapy and we have joined a church where he has gotten involved with the drama club and I think it has a positive effect on him altogether.

But, my son was sick this week and he was awful, and I am so drained. I really don't think he has much control at that point of meltdown (POM - lol), and I try to guide him into strategies we have taught to get himself calmed down, and he has gotten better for sure, but it is very, very slow going and I'm not sure it will ever be completely gone. I told my girlfriend that there are times when I wonder if his meltdowns or he were more on the lower functioning end if I could mentally handle that better as opposed to this kid who is pretty high functioning all around and then starts ranting and raving and being a total jerk. Sometimes its hard for me to put the two people together. He was just diagnosed this year, so I think I am still adjusting to things, too.

My best suggestion is seeking therapy. Like I said, it has helped with my husband. They are not gone, but they are definitely improved in quantity and quality.

Maybe next time when he starts, walk out the door and go for a walk/shopping for an hour and then come back. If he's not actually ranting about anything important, why bother hanging around just for the show..

Make him aware of how hurtful his meltdown behaviour is, not while he's in meltdown obviously... and talk about it with him. I'd recommend he take responsibility and admit to himself - and to you - when he feels a meltdown coming on. He needs to acknowledge that he's having a meltdown, and then act accordingly. Close himself into his favourite room in the house and punch pillows and stamp his feet and let rip in some safe way that doesn't hurt your feelings or anyone else's. It is inexcusable, as and adult, to say horrible things to his partner who is only trying to be there for him. He needs to take his meltdowns away from people and have them alone somewhere, that way he can't drive anyone crazy when he has them.

Thanks guys---thanks so much.
This sounds a lot like mu husband---please offer behavioral techniques for modifying this type of complaining.
What type of therapy did he/you find effective---if you could elaborate the type of therapy (style), then I could find a person who specializes with this style.


Yes, I need to walk out. Perhaps I need to leave for a "vacation" for a couple days.

Please, if any one has any more concrete techniques, please share.

Yes, I will do this. I am doing this when he wakes up. I know this is a behaviorial modification, and not reflective on his overall ethics as a man---because he has a very high set of honor and ethics. But this is like a puppy that poops the floor---this is behavioral.

That made me laugh, but I don't think you'll get very far if you see him as something that needs to be trained.

It's difficult to change someone elses' behaviour for them. You'll just end up givng yourself a headache.

It's far easier to change your own reaction to it. That's why I suggested just leaving him to it next time. Let him have his little rant, but since it upsets you, you go off so you don't have to watch it,and if he doesn't like that, tough.

Thanks much---I realize this came out wrong---It was more ideas needed for the type of therapy that would work.

Yes, I will split the scene. This is a type of negative feedback that will eventually make him reexamine things. In fact, when I see he's starting to wake up, I will go to the coffeehouse, instead of serving him coffee (my little lovey expression) in bed.

He is not getting proper feedback from me---I have to provide feedback that shows I mean business.

Hmm... but why give him 'negative feedback' if he's just woken up and hasn't done anything wrong?

I think you still might be missing my point; I'm not talking about 'training your man', but if you really want to go down that route, would it not be better to save the 'feedback' till the next time he has a rant?

The amount of meltdowns for me are related to the amount of stress. When I look after myself and keep my stress levels low I can go for months without a meltdown. But if I am stressed, it can be multiple times in a week.

Lucky for me I have lots of vacation days, so I spread them to have at least a day off every few weeks.
And also plan days without other people. Alone time is also important to reduce stress.

Controlling behaviour in a meltdown is almost impossible. Choosing the right environment is a possibility. But then some people have the annoying habit of still trying to talk to me and get lashed out (verbally) at if they are not careful.

Again, thanks so much for you input.

Really, I am worn out and I need to be by myself. I get very overstimulated myself, and I don't want to over react. I have been incredibly accomodating, and I have had a very rough week. He ruined a very nice restaurant dinner last night by blurting out how much his life sucked. Sorry, his life doesn't suck. he is living a dream only very few men can fathom.

I lost a friend of 7 years this week. A young very good friend is dying (found out this week). And my family is in a strained position. I built this business from zero---from his inventions, so I take care of getting very good money in---so no more financial worries---he can just work and not have to worry about customers, taxes, etc. He is in excellent health.

he worked till 6am---so I know he will be twisted when he gets up. I am exhausted, and I can't take anymore right now. I haven't be giving proper feedback for how I have felt.

Yes, he has been working very hard. He has meltdowns when tired. I wouldn't say that it's negative stress---but he works like a demon 7 days a week. This is they way he is---he has bad meltdowns if there is NOT ENOUGH to do as well as when there is TOO MUCH.

The thing is, I am exhausted---I work just as hard as he does and I have very, very few meltdowns anymore. I feel taken for granted.

Again, thank you so much guys for your very wise insights.