Feeling Rushed To Speak In Conversations

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08 Mar 2011, 8:18 am

I hate it when someone is talking asks a question, I don't respond right away and then they start saying things like "no?"(in the questioning kind of voice) trying to answer for me or worse saying things like "fine forget it then." or "you seem..." Why can't people just wait til I give a freakin answer! Even my own mother does this. You'd think she would've gotten to understand me over the years enough not to misinterpret pausing as somehow having some hidden meaning when I'm doing it.

Why do NTs insist on such a fast conversation pace?

I feel like I would keep up a lot more and a lot longer in conversations if people just spoke slower. Is there some way of speaking that will subconsciously get everyone in the room to start talking slower?



syrella
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08 Mar 2011, 8:38 am

You could try speaking slower to them. I know people will often respond in a whisper if you whisper to them.

Also, try putting your hand or index finger up in a "wait" gesture when you think. That can signal to them that you have something to say-- you just need time to formulate an answer.


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Zen
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08 Mar 2011, 8:49 am

I once had a friend who would answer for me if I didn't answer fast enough while talking to someone else. It was infuriating. I also knew someone who would say, "You don't care," if I didn't answer her fast enough. So I know what you mean. But I don't have an answer.



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08 Mar 2011, 12:33 pm

Come up with a 'pause' phrase?

"hold on a sec..."
"let me think..."
"hmmmm... good question..."

Give them something so they know that you've heard them and are working on an answer.



the_curmudge
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08 Mar 2011, 1:21 pm

I often find people's conversation repugnant in some way--shocking, frightening, threatening or just boring--so a direct question catches me off guard. I have to quickly put away the emotions and internal dialog appropriate to my repugnance and formulate a polite answer. Naturally this takes some time. I usually try to cover with a drawled, "Well...," which holds my space open, as it were.

I'm sorry to hear that your mother is among those who won't wait for your answers. That must be hard on you.



wavefreak58
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08 Mar 2011, 1:31 pm

draelynn wrote:
Come up with a 'pause' phrase?

"hold on a sec..."
"let me think..."
"hmmmm... good question..."

Give them something so they know that you've heard them and are working on an answer.


This works pretty good. Making facial expressions that show you are thinking helps. Raising an eyebrow, pursing your lips. A flat expression makes them think you aren't engaged in the conversation.


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08 Mar 2011, 1:33 pm

And this is why I "stutter" in conversations. Because I am trying to think and respond at the same time. It just doesn't work very well.



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08 Mar 2011, 1:38 pm

Pandora_Box wrote:
And this is why I "stutter" in conversations. Because I am trying to think and respond at the same time. It just doesn't work very well.


I have a minor stammer or something. Not exactly stuttering, but a choppy flow with lots of pauses at the wrong times.


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Zen
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08 Mar 2011, 1:43 pm

Yeah, I stammer when I'm trying to spit words out faster than I can process them. Then it results in a word jam, and I have to stop completely to let myself catch up. Or say "blah" and start over.



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08 Mar 2011, 3:27 pm

Zen wrote:
Yeah, I stammer when I'm trying to spit words out faster than I can process them. Then it results in a word jam, and I have to stop completely to let myself catch up. Or say "blah" and start over.
Heh. With people I know I just say 'Hang on - thought avalanche' and usually they wait for me to dig my way in silence through the pile.


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08 Mar 2011, 5:36 pm

Zen wrote:
Yeah, I stammer when I'm trying to spit words out faster than I can process them. Then it results in a word jam, and I have to stop completely to let myself catch up. Or say "blah" and start over.


I do stammer a lot likewise. Is it a common trait among Aspies? I also stammer when I'm questioned, offended, stressed, or frequently interrupted.

I also feel the rush when, as somebody stated, I'm loosing control of the conversation, or, I see the goal of the conversation is turning down. Slowing down emotions, putting down or postponding the "goal" can help.


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08 Mar 2011, 5:53 pm

What really gets to me is when they start asking... like first they ask "Do you want this?" and as I'm thinking, they'll go "Do you NOT want this?" which then makes it impossible to say yes or no because now there's two possible questions. That isn't the best example. And then there's people who ask several questions in one sentence, which makes my head implode.


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08 Mar 2011, 6:38 pm

They expect you to acknowledge that you have heard the question and was thinking. I usually do "Hmm ... oh ... let me see...". Make some noises before your answer and that's usually more acceptable. Sometimes I repeat their questions and confirm it before I answer. Most people assume you didn't hear or pay attention if they don't get a response in a second. I have to get used to people's slow responses over the years. Most people in my family seem to take forever to answer questions, even if it's "Do you want toast?" Not all of them are aspies.



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08 Mar 2011, 6:40 pm

Saying "um" or "I'm thinking" makes getting an answer impossible for me so I CAN'T inform people of the issue.


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08 Mar 2011, 6:51 pm

Zen wrote:
I once had a friend who would answer for me if I didn't answer fast enough while talking to someone else. It was infuriating. I also knew someone who would say, "You don't care," if I didn't answer her fast enough. So I know what you mean. But I don't have an answer.

Wow. See, I'd have gone back on that with "When you care about someone you take time to really think about what they just said". If I don't care I just dismiss it immediately with a 'that's nice' 'no, really?' or 'mmmhm, whatever you say'.

But yeah, hmmm, wellll and umm are your friends here, or even a 'sorry, I missed that last/first part, could you repeat that?'.



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09 Mar 2011, 9:29 am

Yes it's irritating. I feel like substituting a small pot plant to stand in for me in those situations, as that can listen just as well if no input is actually required.

Cornflake wrote:
Heh. With people I know I just say 'Hang on - thought avalanche' and usually they wait for me to dig my way in silence through the pile.


Like the analogy. What about a 'thought avalanche' emergency beacon to use when you get stuck ? A St Bernard will then be immediately dispatched to find you and adminster brandy or other warming beverage of choice :D