so i just blew up

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i wasn't sure if this belongs in The Haven or not...

so i self-diagnosed AS about 6 months ago. pretty sure i'm on the spectrum. i tried to tell my mom and she's basically been in denial since. it hurt but i could take it.

i'd been working with my dad off and on for the past 2 years [doing construction/remodeling] and it was working out fine, but we haven't had any jobs in 2 months, so i've been looking for work 'outside' [shudder] but with absolutely no luck. before i've worked at a factory, which was ok, and in a couple restaurants, which was borderline unpleasant. but i really haven't dealt with people very much in 2 years. working with my dad was mostly just us 2 doing our own thing...

i've been trying MY best to go out there, fill applications, put on a good face, etc and i haven't gotten a single call back. i'm willing to do any kind of crappy job, except cashier or stuff that requires one to be with customers for extended periods of time since i'd probably have a meltdown in public.

but my mom kept giving me 'advice' on how to approach potential employers, how to talk to people. to start conversations with strangers about where i might be able to find a job [it's possible. i've seen her do it!] and the whole time i just listened and pretended to agree. i haven't said the word 'aspergers' since last time i used it she got really upset and started telling me i was a great guy with many talents and i didn't need to feel sorry for myself thinking i have 'that thing', but every time i talked to her i just felt worse about the whole issue. she hasn't bothered to find out anything about AS and keeps giving me reasons why i'm normal, that we all have psychological issues to work through, etc. i tell her it's not really psychological [there is a component] but has to do with the brain. she will have none of it.

i was starting to feel really ignored, and angry that i'm trying to figure out my life after finding out about AS, finding out as much as i can and dealing with it, readjusting certain behaviours, etc. and i'm doing it ALL ALONE

still looking for work. applied to a couple other places yesterday, but it's incredibly hard for me to think about what it will be like having a job where i have to deal with people again. i pulled up to a fast food place i worked at briefly 2 years ago and i started crying in the parking lot when i remembered what it was like. had to wait an hour to calm down, and finally i applied.

...so today my mom tells me she heard they're hiring at this restaurant [where all the cooks are in plain view of the customers], that i should go apply. finally i drew the line after applying to every place she's ordered me to and said 'i REALLY don't think i'll make it there'.

well, she started giving me the same lecture, and i would've taken it, but then she added 'you're just not trying hard enough' and then i REALLY EXPLODED.

i've only been this angry like 3 other times in my life. i screamed and banged stuff and cussed at the top of my lungs. i told her something like: "I'M SO SICK OF YOU PEOPLE PRETENDING I'M LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!! I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T DO ALL THOSE THINGS YOU WANT ME TO. I CAN'T!! ! I CAN'T!! !! I'M DOING THE BEEEST IIIIII CAN!! !! ! ************************* and i ran off

before i was done crying i had to go back and talk to her. she's a little more sympathetic now. we had a good 3 hour talk, and the lines seem to be more open.

but now i feel bad about my outburst. what do you guys think? was it okay to feel the way i did? i'm all tangled up inside

I don't think that you did anything wrong, at all. The truth had to come out in some way or another.

What are "hands like shovels"? In what way are they like shovels?

At ease, you had every right to have a meltdown. My advice is to seek a mental health professional and see if you can get an official diagnosis and possibly some form of counseling or other assistance.

I think you where fine for what you thought and felt. She was in denial and you where frusrated with it. Usually I do not think having a outburst are the way to go. That is why I walk away when I reach that point. But sometimes it needs to be done to get through to a person.

Do not feel torn up inside about it. You have talked to your mom again and the lines of communication and understanding seem to be opening with yiour mom. Ejoy this new relationship with your mom

Some people need to be screamed at once in a while in order for them to listen. It's life. Don't be too hard on yourself. I had to scream at my mom once, and the same thing pretty much happened.