Social Performing?

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I'm not talking about performing on stage/acting/playing in a band etc. THAT I would have fewer issues with.

When I am in a group of people who know me well such as family at a gathering, I have a severe hatred of performing. To me, in this situation holding a conversation with even one person is like performing. Its not quite a severe anxiety thing but I do get quite anxious about what I perceive to be performing.

It feels like I'm on show, completely laid bare (although I'm not) and I hate every minute of it. I feel like my relatives look on and think to themselves "aww look moopants is able to hold a conversation" which makes me actually holding a prolonged conversation unlikely. I get it into my head that if I just sit in a corner and pretend I'm invisible that's how it will become. This of course makes it even worse when I do talk to anyone because I feel even more on show.

I feel like my mother watches on to see me behave in a "normal" way and so I don't perform. I know all my life she just wanted me to behave in a normal manner socially for my own good. I don't understand why I have so many issues with it.

I have no problems making a tit of myself in front of my family or strangers. I don't care what they think of me and I'm not looking for acceptance. I don't even feel that uncomfortable with them that I would get worked up about going to a gathering. If left to just observe, I really quite enjoy it. It's really not like a social anxiety thing (that I think anyway).

When I do start to freak out is when it gets too noisy and too many people speak at once over me. Then I want to start screaming and hitting my head, which would get me funny looks so I jerk about in my seat then leave.

It all feels so wrong and I hate it and I cant even put it into words properly here. I have no idea how to describe it. I sound like some kind of demented teen, and I'm really not.

Does anyone have any idea what I'm talking about?

Does anyone experience the same issue with feeling like its all a performance?

How do you cope or deal with such situations?

When I first started really trying to socialize and hold conversations, when I first entered college, I cut a deal with myself. That deal was that I wouldn't eat a meal other than breakfast unless I was talking to someone else as I ate it.

I basically didn't eat for a week and a half. Then I gave up on the project and decided to scale back.

So yes, I know where you're coming from. I forced myself to practice every day, first just by saying "hello" to someone I knew, or smiling at someone I saw instead of avoiding them and trying to get away. If I didn't have the energy for it, I didn't do it. But I kept on working and working at it, and now my classmates treat me nicely and my professors don't stare at me anymore. It took three years, but it was worth it.

I think that while I see it as a performance, it's always going to be difficult, and there'll always be a time limit before I have to escape to solitude. My ideal is to be with people who don't expect a performance.....I want to be completely calm and just ask stuff about them when I'm curious, just share stuff with them when I feel it might work.