Suspected AS - not diagnosed

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Hello everyone

I`m a very recent memeber and I have only posted in the section where people introduce themselves.

I am not really sure about how to go forward with this but anyway I have been in therapy on and off since 2003 as I have had some problems in my life which are also current. In 2008 I saw a therapist that brought up the suggestion that AS would be something that might fit for me as she probably have had clients with AS before and recognized some similarities though I am not sure of that as I did not ask.

Anyway it is pretty save to say that I have mild depressions with some more added deeper issues and periods where I have been suicidal and once I was almost hospitalized because of that but I have never actually tried it has just been in my mind.

I have always been a VERY quiet person I do not talk much at all, always sitting in the back in school and never raising ones hand to ask or reply to questions etc I guess you know the type. Socially I have always been generally off or had "difficulties" on the matter, I say generally because there were some years in late primary-school and about half of secondary-school which was socially ok but even then I was not very outgoing per se, furthermore I also say "difficulties" because I very much like to be alone and I am not lying if I say that feeling lonely is something that almost is hard for me to imagine because I like solitute so much.

In upper-secondary school and across university I started to get increasingly more non-social I have lived like this now for about 17-18 years I guess and I often opt out in social situations. I am ok with few people, like one or more, more if I know then though but many times I have "shut-downs" where I socially just goes mute or switches off like I just float around in my imagination etc, this has also caused me problems at university especially during oral exams where I have been almost mute as well. In writing I have done ok though.

I have been a student (enrolled) for about 9 1/2 half years and I only sporadically communicate with one person that I have met during that time, though of course I have many more in courses etc but only for small talk which is not my thing.
Also I have never had any relationships in my life, there has been no intimacy what so ever basically no women ( I am a man myself ) partially because my self-esteem is broken and I do not feel I am worth it and also because I am sensitive to touch, I do not seek it and I am very edgy about it, like a feeling of claustrophobia.

I know I have attachment issues and that I have depressive periods and social anxiety, but I have always felt that there is something more, its like an undercurrent of something that flows inside your mind body or whatever I do not know how to say it really. Also it is difficult for me to share and express emotions and if I am happy or sad I can generally look just the same.

At university I have done ok, but I have used 12 years to complete my degree because of the problems I have had, I have had periods of over a year sometime and about one year other times where I have fallen out and that there has been little motivation for life basically, and also academically I have had increased problems, like memory - understanding etc. I know that depression can affect memory but in addition sometimes I have felt that I have had to read more in order to understand etc.

I have graduated now though, but I had a replapse and used 2 1/2 years on my master thesis alone, the first 6 months I did nothing, I just ate, slept stayed inside my dorm-appartment shopped food and went to therapy, it was then my therapist suggested AS becuase I have so frequent "fall-outs" or holes in my life with depression and that she noticed my social problems as well as tendencies to isolate. Though I always whenever I am in therapy have to point out that I do not mind to be alone, not at all.

There are other things as well but I am a little to tired to write more now, I have browsed the DSM-IV criterias and I assume I could say that I fit nearly all of them, allthough the ones that I am most unsure about are the ones related to being able to "read" notice other peoples emotions and the lack of empathy, I mean I can differentiate emotionally between peoples expressions and in regards to empathy I am a bit on either side as I can understand the relation to empathy to a given situation but often myself I would not feel so much, but sometimes I would, its hard to explain.

I will post a bit more later maybe Happy to have found the forum at least, sorry for the long post thanks for reading.