Hello, this is my first post, and first time visiting the website.
I'm finding myself stuck in my mind currently, in this dull state where all I'm doing is watching videos and researching Asperger's syndrome. It's really been a force pushing down on my chest since I made the discovery last week. I am however, not diagnosed, but for me, personally, Asperger's explains my childhood, my relationships, my school experience and even my thought process and how I physically react and move in public. I've had so many questions for the past two years. I've lived in an obsessive rumination of my mind, where I've sort of felt hypochondriac, in the sense that I couldn't turn my mind off, and so many emotions and thoughts were always racing through my head at an unbearable rate.
I was diagnosed with ADHD as a child, I was put on Ritalin and remember taking the dosage every lunch time at school. Eventually I got taken off of them, and nothing really changed. Mom's memories are me being too calm while taking them, lazy, sluggish. I've always had problems with distraction, accused of not listening, or like earlier today, I zoned out and thought of something random while he was explaining something to me. People are always accusing me of trying to sound too smart, or pushing too much factual knowledge on them. I've always looked out at the world with a cold stare and much grandiosity, but above all, what bothers me the most, is that I haven't been fully aware that through my entire life, with every person that I've met, I've felt this dysfunction of properly diagnosing social ques and how to properly initiate any conversation at all. I've always felt awkward.
But even so, there have been a few periods of life, where I've interacted with everybody, all sorts of people, with fair confidence. Things shift dramatically, but now I feel all alone, unable to reach out, or be reached.
I've been taken advantage of during speech, and I've been called and idiot or made out to be someone who didn't know what they were talking about, even though on another level, everything I wanted to say was in my mind, and I feel really intelligent at times. I've seen so many patterns that I just call realizations, that have been ground breaking in shaping my mental outlook and general way that I think.
I cannot reach out to others with these thoughts. It just doesn't work. My expressions are still, I smile a lot, but my eyes appear cold in nature. I'm not an unhappy person. I've always tried calling what I descended into as depression, but it didn't feel right. Anxiety in my abdomen has created so much crap in my life. Socially, I wasn't there. I had close friends who clearly had anxieties of their own, a friend with post-traumatic stress, a girlfriend who was a genius, and another girlfriend who had severe anxiety. I haven't connected with anybody else, and exs of the past have always concluded that I was pushy, always trying to be offensive, when I honestly was not, and my expressions and way of acting would always make it out that I was lying. With confidence, I still don't find myself overly attractive, I find myself awkward looking, a tall, broad guy, with a serious face and a boyish look all the same. Regardless, my appearance isn't anything to do with it, and it's my general ability to communicate verbally and non-verbally without that paranoia or constantly approval of what the other person is thinking. I drill into everyone's minds, every person I meet in the day. Thoughts go rapid in each meet.
I live on a very traditional and cultured island of hardworking people that have this really lively, strange personality that others seem to really enjoy. People carry on a lot and families are very tight knit. Beliefs and views are the person's freedom, but there are families and communities that push ideas like all places. I've adapted to a personality for those I meet here, and in my way, have my own way of carrying on and being myself. People enjoy my presence when I'm without anxiety and able to make them laugh and strike up all kinds of conversation. People just aren't buying into the fact that all of this is real for me. My Mother has denied it, and said that I'm more towards ADD, and I insisted that I have just read through all of these thought patterns and tendencies I have, on a level that she could never see, seeing as I hid everything and secluded myself to a world of video games and writing, and still do for many months at times. Regardless, she can't see it how I do, but insists otherwise.
My ex girlfriend, as well, wasn't thrilled when I told her. She called me a hypochondriac, and said "Look what you're doing to yourself, you're never going to feel better", despite me feeling fine for the past two years, just in and out of bouts of depression and anxiety, but feeling, I felt as fine as ever, same as I did my entire life. Happiness on and off. There are times where I feel like, as another poster put it, like Michael Douglas in The Game. I feel secluded to my own world, and I cannot break that foreign barrier.
This has increased by so much since finishing high school. It's so much weight. I feel so separated from everybody. I work full-time, and put on so many masks. I'm not on any medication, I have been on Zoloft in the past, but it didn't do much.
I just don't know what to do. Sorry for the length. This is the shortest that I could get something like this.
Thank you for reading.
18 Apr 2011, 4:14 am
