Yesterday I got my formal diagnosis of Asperger's syndrome. I had always known I was qualitatively different than my peers, but having a concrete reason for the difference has been so wonderful. I know myself a little bit better, and I now know what resources I have to help me. I wrote a reflection that I posted to my "Notes" section on Facebook. I simply titled it "I am an Aspie." The text follows:
Those of you who know me well know that I love BIOSHOCK. I do not think of it as a game so much as a piece of literature. I wish it was a book! I would read it over and over again. In lieu of reading, I simply have played it over and over again. Each time noticing something new concerning its themes.
In an audio diary by Brigid Tenenbaum, a Nazi Concentration Camp survivor, titled “Useless Experiments” she spoke about her incredible intellect being put to work for the Third Reich:
At the German prison camp they put me to work on genetic experiments on other prisoners. They call me 'Das Wunderkind', the wonder child. Germans, all they can talk about is blue eyes, and shape of forehead. All I care about is why is this one born strong, and that one weak? This one smart, that one stupid? All that killing, you think the Germans could have been interested in something useful?
I wonder why I was born with the memory I was. People tell me it is an amazing skill, yet I cannot imagine not having it. But then again there are skills others have that I cannot seem to cultivate. My sister has a gift for interacting with children. She is currently working on her Masters in Education with an emphasis on special education. Perhaps her passion for this particular need in education comes from her experiences mentoring special needs students in high school. There was one student she mentored who had autism and was very low functioning in social situations. In 2002 she read about autism and Asperger's syndrome (AS) caught her eye. She thought it sounded like it fit me. She then told my parents. My parents were not concerned with assigning labels to me. I did not have any trouble in the academic side of school, but I struggle even today to understand my peers. Years later my Mother and I were visiting my cousin and grandmother. My cousin and my Mother were discussing how hard grade school was for me since I got teased all of the time for being so different. My Mother then said that she thought that it might have been AS. I did some of my own research back in Autumn Quarter 2010 and thought my sister was probably onto something.
I had been reading the Millennium trilogy by Stieg Larsson at around the same time. One main character named Lisbeth Salander is suspected to lie somewhere on the spectrum of autism. I love her character. I sympathize with her so much. I wish she were real. I like her uncompromising nature and her deadly intellect she has to preserve it. Why is she like this? Why was she born with such amazing pattern-recognition skills?
I began to wonder similar things about myself. Why was I born with such a memory that I can memorize entire movies with different accents? I can read a book and remember damn near all of the main points, but I cannot read people. I still struggle to understand sarcastic humor.
Example @ a bar:
Me: I’m gonna get an Irish Car Bomb. Want one, too?
X: What?! You know I hate those things!
Me (thinking): Wait… what? I know X loves those! Oh, sorry, didn’t mean to upset you.
X: I’m just kidding. Yeah, please, I’d love one!
Why do I have such an intense interest in German and history? Why did I just decide to learn the Greek alphabet one summer when I got bored? Why can I remember the first song I heard after I finished my English final my sophomore year in high school? (“The Decline” by NOFX, by the way). There had to be an answer for these things.
So I started visiting a psychologist to investigate if I have Asperger’s syndrome or AS. AS is an autism spectrum disorder that usually manifests in the following ways:
-Difficulty interacting socially (recognizing nonverbal cues, facial expressions, sarcasm)
-Intense interests in things like math/languages/certain animals etc.
-Stimming (repetitive, obsessive gestures)
What pushed me to actually pursue a formal AS diagnosis recently involved my frustrations with interacting with people my own age. During winter quarter 2011 I had spoken to my professors far more than I had spoken to classmates. I feel that professors simply understand me better. I try to meet new people, but I cannot ‘read’ them and clam up. People had told me I would simply get better at interacting with people my own age as I got older. Two problems: 1) I am an incredibly impatient individual. 2) I had not improved. AS fit too well for all of this to just be a coincidence.
I visited on March 7th, 11th and 28th with a psych to get a diagnosis. I gave him the most honest and candid picture I could ever give of myself. I got my answers. It makes sense now: the hellish grade school, the intense interest in history, the social awkwardness, the dislike of what I think are useless social niceties, my tactile sensitivities (I hate tags in my shirts, I have to wipe off my feet before I put on my socks), etc.
In my research I have found that there are two camps on the issue of autism. One camp views autism spectrum disorders as conditions needing a cure. Think of the metaphor of people being like a puzzle, with the idea being that autistics (or “auties”) are missing some pieces. The cure would "fill" those missing pieces. But who isn’t missing a piece or two? This is the question posed by the opposing camp. The opposing camp advocates for “neurodiversity.” This is the idea that auties (including people with Asperger's syndrome or "aspies") throughout the spectrum are simply wired differently in neurological terms. The problem is not the wiring, but others failing to tolerate neurological difference. Nature does not make mistakes, people do. Auties have much to offer, and perhaps can be the best person for a specific job. Hans Asperger, the pediatrician who wrote extensively on his research with autistic children, embodied this stance:
"We are convinced, then, that autistic people have their place in the organism of the social community. They fulfill their role well, perhaps better than anyone else could, and we are talking of people who as children had the greatest difficulties and caused untold worries to their care-givers."
I believe that the gifts and limitations of people with autism spectrum disorders can serve the very society from which they need understanding. Growing up is difficult enough, and it can be even more challenging without being able to make meaningful connections among your peers. It is a blessing I had my eclectic interests upon which to fall back. My parents and grade school played tug-of-war over me. My parents were forced to send me to psychologists, counselors and even a neurosurgeon who took a CT scan of my brain to ensure I was not suffering seizures when I threw tantrums after getting teased. None of them ever brought up Asperger's syndrome because it was not as well understood back then and because it is a very specific lens through which one must look.
Lastly, children with autism become adults with autism. No child should have to suffer teasing, especially if the child is neurologically different. It is with this in mind that I want to advocate for another social justice cause. Tolerance must expand to not just those of different colors, sexual orientations or religions, but also to those of different neurology. The neurologically different have their place. Hans Asperger, who perhaps had the same condition carrying his namesake, said:
“Exceptional human beings must be given exceptional educational treatment, treatment which takes into account their special difficulties. Further, we can show that despite abnormality, human beings can fulfill their social role within the community, especially if they find understanding, love and guidance.”
I thank all of you who have taken the effort to tolerate my eccentricities. But I offer a challenge to all of you reading right now to be beacons of that very understanding, love and guidance. Long live neurodiversity! I am an Aspie!
29 Mar 2011, 1:28 pm
