The summer before my junior year of high school I stumbled across some information on Asperger's Syndrome and found that I could essentially use the dignostic criteria as a checklist for myself. I'd always been "different", but suddenly there was something that could tell me why. The following school year we got a new teacher whom upon meeting me for the first time said "You remind me of my son" - her son had been diagnosed with Asperger's as a child. So, for the last five or so years I have read up on it, and spoken to various people whom have it, and the more I learn the more certain I am that I have it as well. Now I'm trying to decide if I should get professionally diagnosed, and my pro/con lists are virtually useless at this juncture, however much I try. I've heard several peoples' opinions about the matter, ranging from "yes, my disgnosis has impoved my life greatly" to "jeez, what a waste of time" and I've decided that it comes down to the individual, and what is best for them.
I would like to say I know what's best for me, but honestly, I would like a second opinion.
There are several variables which factor into my decision here. First, although I am 21 and legally capable of taking care of everything regarding my own life, I live at home. I don't see this changing any time soon. Besides that, my family is important to me and I would like them to support me and be able to understand what it means if I did in fact go through with getting a professional diagnosis. However, when I was in high school I mentioned to my mother the fact that I think that I likely have Asperger's, but she essentially ignored me. The previously aforementioned teacher, at Parents Day suggested to my mother that I likely have Asperger's as well. On the walk to the car from said encounter my mother turned to me and said "Why would she think you have Asperger's?" and that was the last we spoke of it. Or, at least in regards to me. My mother is an elementary school teacher, however, and so occasionally runs across a child at school who has been labled "Asperger's", or "Autistic". I don't know if they really are Autistic or not, but I do know that for the most part these particular children are regarded by their teachers as "behavioral problems" and not truly Autistic. Therefore my mother seems to equate one with the other. My father, while perfectly ready to call me "eccentric", "weird", or, when he's unhappy about something "ret*d" (which I take offense to, having been tested in kindergarten for gifted, upon which we discovered that my IQ is borderline genius) has no idea what Asperger's is, and, with all the stigma on TV I worry how he would react if I even mention the word "Autism". My brother (three years younger and the absolute stereotype of an 18 year-old boy) interchanges "ret*d" "freak" and "sociopath" (that last one because of my "lack of emotions" - I have emotions but sometimes I laugh when I'm supposed to cry or I don't do anything at all. But I still have them.) I'm not sure what he would think. Last year when I was diagnosed with a congenital heart defect he decided I was making it all up and didn't need the beta blockers my cardiologist prescribed. He still rolls his eyes when I take my meds.
Most of the time I can manage things. I can go to the grocery store if I have to as long as I plan it well beforehand, and I have a list of what I need and it's not too crowded. My hand flaps against my side and I recite the box monologue from "Rosencrantz and Guildenstern Are Dead", but I can do it, if I have to. I get myself up and dressed and go to school on time, and I bite the knuckles of my hand in class but I manage to answer if the professor calls on me, even if I can't look them in the eyes when I do so. I manage. But I'd like to believe that there is something better than 'managing'. I want to be able to travel someday without panicking at the mere thought of the crowds and noise and security checks at the airport. I want to be able to have a boyfriend without shying away at the thought of someone so close, someone who has a right to be close. I want to be able to drive on the interstate, because I hate driving, and if I have to do it I would like to get it done fast, so that it's over with. But I've never done any of these things, because I can't, because I only manage.
I feel like everybody else in this world is grey, but I'm fire engine red, and everybody can see it, but nobody knows why.
I think I'd like to be able to say "This is why. I'm not a freak, not a ret*d, and not a socipath. I have Asperger's. Just because I'm different doesn't mean I'm wrong."
We have "counseling" services at my school which offers a basic evaluation and referrals to local psychologists and psychiatrists, and I've considered going there if I could figre out how (all they have on their website is a phone number and I can't talk on the phone to people I don't know. I can barely do it with people I know well, and I still get berated for answering a phone with "What?" instead of "Hello, how are you?" which is ridiculous because when my mother calls I know it's to tell me something and not because she wants me to ask how she is.) But part of me want my parents' guidance and support, and another part of me says "you've survived this long - why would you do something that could change things?"
So. I'd really like a second opinion.
08 Apr 2011, 12:55 am
It will improve with time. You can learn driving, too, even it's a bit harder than for others.
