Should I try to change myself - and how?

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My personality is somewhat arrogant - I was reading one of Tony Attwood's books today where it mentioned aspies can develop a bit of a god complex, blaming others around them for their not being able to make friends, socialise, communicate etc. and worry that perhaps on some level this is what the arrogance is about...or if not it's still a self-defence method, like giving myself fake confidence.

I HATE women - no offence ladies - this has gotten worse over the years, in fact much of my social interaction has worsened either because I've developed bad habits since leaving school or because I've been unhappy either in a bad job where I had few friends/many enemies or now being unemployed my social skills are obviously suffering. I really feel a dislike of women, a violent dislike, which causes problems when I have to deal with women such as female doctors, interviewers, teachers, students in my college class, etc. - it makes it very hard for me to work with them, I get colder towards them and find myself feeling more anxious when dealing with other women.

I have other lovely personality traits like being stubborn, bossy, know-it-all, and possibly a lot more negatives - they're not all aspie-related, maybe some are just me (always a worry; not knowing if people dislike you for you or because of your problems with social skills), but certainly most of what makes up my personality and my ways of interacting with people have come from being an aspie. As a child I barked like a dog rather than talked...so I suppose how I interact with others now is an improvement at least, lol.

I just wonder there is mention that when I get my diagnosis I get training and behavioural therapy - not sure what would be offered realistically on the NHS - I was always against such ideas, I never liked therapy at all and the idea of having to change goes against my stubborn personality trait...and my serious dislike of criticism, but I'm wondering if I should try to be more open to change.

I'd not be sure what to expect from training and therapy if I went for that, how much of my personality I may lose, or what I could do myself to change myself - any insights?

Has anyone here had therapy or training to help with their social skills - how did it work, did it help, and how have you changed?

In my experiences, personality is in part learned behavior and inherited behavior. You probably can't change the fact that your stubborn or strong willed, but you can always make a decision to change aspects abouts yourself that you aren't completely satisfied with. It's been my philosophy so far that exposure builds tolerance, and I mean that in all sorts of ways. In reference to medicines, drugs, allergies, pain, ect. Find situations where you can set your self up to succeed in situations where you want to change yourself. For example, start doing your dry cleaning somewhere where you know a lady works and build on those positive experiences. Maybe with time you could condition yourself to think more positively. Of course, I could also be wrong. I'm always open to the idea.

I forced myself to zip it and let it sink in for a few days and ENCOURAGE my friends to call me out when
I miss the mark or act like an ass. Some don't really understand that they simply need to let me know that
whta I'm doing is causing them distress sooner rather than wonder why I'm not comprehending it and
waiting. Takes practice, will never be comfortable or easy for me to do, but absolutely necessary if I want
to maintain actual friends.

It depends on your goals. Do you want to remain the Misogynist, arrogant, guy who's perceived as a douche ?
IF you do, then fine. IF not then pick the behaviors that would be more effective and learn em. It sucks, it takes a while, it's
unnatural as hell. Your choice is fish.

Just my 2 cents and perhaps work with someone experienced with AS ?

It still doesn't always work, but I can at least cope with socializing with the norms most of the time. Big chaotic crowds
and loud parties where I don't know anyone would be the exception.

Oh, and it doesn't erase any parts of your personality, just adds sets of behaviors you can wear when you need them.

*cough* I'm a gal...and not perceived as a douche thank you very much

And that was your 500th post. Going on what I've seen of your posts, I can't imagine you being perceived as a douche or even the way you describe yourself: .

I'm not answering your question very well here:roll:. You might be just frustrated in general and can't quite channel it in the 'angry but successful' NT way

Note to self: Pay attention to the avatars and insert alternate derogatory terms where needed.

So, is it a behavior thing that drives you batshit when dealing with other women ? Reads completely
different as a whole post with one simple context change. Still unclear what your actual goal is or
if you're venting or what.

Many dogs I know prefer women to men, I find women nicer to me than men too sorry.

I would try and change.

Being extremely uncomfortable with 50% of the world could really become a drag. And you will grow as a person, gain more confidence and friends. That said, I'm only really able to relate to certain types of people, both men and women.

I avoid many types of people, just on appearance

Why do you hate women?

You seem like a nice person over the forums, at least.

Change for the better is always encouraged.

Sometimes it's a matter of choosing to be different in a given way and deliberately working towards that goal.

Other times you might need the help of a counselor to understand what change is advisable and how to best make it work.

However, you can't become something you are not.

There are limits to how I'm willing to change for others because the most I can do is "fake it" and it comes across as such. If my acting the way others desire does not get rewarded, why bother?

That's because I am a nice person. I just dislike women.

I can't tell you why, it may be a collection of things such as abusive mother, mental ex-flatmate, and the general girl-hate issues. Generally women are more difficult because of girl-hate, they're more likely to compete and drag other women down, more prone to prejudice towards other women, and there's a strange sort of club amongst women which is totally and utterly baffling to me - generally this whole friendship women seem to have is confusing to me, more so as I've met few women who haven't been cruel and aggressive towards other women so I'm not sure how strong friendships like these come about. Talking to other women is like talking to an alien with just no common ground what-so-ever, knowing every time you talk to them they're judging you and that if you step a foot out of place they'll be sure to get everyone else to hate you. Even the nice women, you talk to them and get a sense of being judged.

Looking at this semi-rant it's clear that it's unhealthy, it's bad experiences with women making socialising with them more difficult and thus fear leads to hate, this is the point - it's something I should change, but then changing would mean forcing myself to try to get along with a group of people I dislike.

I will NEVER understand this mentality that purposefully changing bad traits in yourself will change your personality for the bad.

OF COURSE you should do something to change if there are traits you recognize that are not so good. I have all the same issues as you and have been fighting them since I was a young adult. I have made changes and I am becoming a better person all the time. Recently I began social skills classes targeted specifically at making me even better.

You can follow my adventures in this thread...

http://www.wrongplanet.net/postt153181.html

So far REALLY good results. You have to shop for the "right" therapist.

I like the principles and practices of Buddhism.

Many of the problems you mention here sound like the product of Aversion. That is you don't like a lot of things, they cause you to feel the need to control, repel, contract or attack in the face of them, and then you do.

Are you a compulsive sort, Bloodheart?

I think that you would benefit from practices of loving kindness and equanimity. A mindfulness meditation where you learn to co-exist with things that bother you without reaction... without attacking or pushing away that which causes you discomfort. Learning to see that you don't necessarily have to react to things you don't like, and perhaps how you can benefit from reacting in different ways.

CBT might teach you similar things, so I would definitely take that up if it is offered to you.

Know that you have nothing to lose in trying therapy and other ways of being that you don't feel are inherently 'you'. You can always revert to your old ways, and so many do. I would be more concerned that even with therapy, no change occurs. This is far more likely than some kind of super radical and unpleasant change in yourself.

Are you considering change to benefit you, or to conform to what someone else wants?

ruveyn

You are already changing. You cannot NOT change. If you stand still the world continues to change around you and so your relationship with the world changes regardless of how hard you might wish that it not.

So they question isn't should you change, because you must change. The question is, are you choosing the change or is the change choosing you?

This really isn't how stuff works for me. I often have to be 100% one mindset or 100% another so giving up the bad parts of a personality trait often means giving up the good aspects of a personality trait. Whenever I change somethoing there is always a real possibility that I will be the opposite in negative way. For lots of things it's just a case of, if I want to keep the baby I have to keep the bath water.

You logic makes no sense. What "good" thing do you give up if you improve traits such as "arrogance", "know-it-all" (AKA inflexibility) and black/white types of thinking. Are you one of those people that think you will wake up one day an NT if you work on self-improvement?