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I have been in a relationship for over a year with an Aspie male. I love his mind and individualism. However, occassionally he gets really upset with me and tells me we will never work and there is no future because he can't love me the way I deserve. I try to reassure him that I don't feel that way, but he says he can never fit into my world. If I continue to disagree with his thinking, he gets very upset and screams that he never wants to see me or talk to me again and falls off the face of the earth for a week or two. This has happened several times and I continue to stay in touch via email with just general discussion about my comings and goings. Eventually he responds and things resume to normal, but it is beginning to happen more and more frequently. When I ask him point blank if he really wants me out of his life, he will not respond at all. I guess I'm wondering if I'm handling this situation correctly or if he's just scared to take the out and maybe he's truly not interested in any sort of relationship with me anymore. Sometimes I feel like I'm being tested for loyalty, so I've continued the pattern, but maybe it's just time to walk away. Any thoughts or advice is appreciated. We are both professionals in our forties and newly divorced with children.

Something to think about is that when he gets into that hyper rigid thinking mode, that trying to fix it at that moment isn't likely to work. Once he has gotten to that intensity level it is really hard to dial it back.

This would be a contrived way to handle it, but agree BEFORE it happens that the next time he gets this wound up that you are just going to back off and go eat ice cream or something (fine chocolates are good too). Then when he winds down you can talk.

It sounds like he is keenly aware of his 'failures' in normal relationships. If you have expressed intimacy or affection needs that he just cannot provide I can a see where he'd want you to find a relationship more suited to your needs.

I have said those same exact words to my husband countless times. It's not because I am unhappy in my relationship but because I cannot fulfill my partners needs. My partner's happiness is vitally important to me. Why would I want them to suffer without something I am incapable of providing - not because I don't want to, not because I don't try to but because I lack the ability to provide the physical and verbal attention he requires in a relationship. It is not something I can learn. It is not something I can change 'if I love him enough'.

It sounds like he has learned his limitations. You may need to ask yourself if you are prepared to alter your expectations of a 'loving' relationship - redefine it. He is capable but not the way you may expect. Are you willing to adapt to those things he may not be able to change about himself? If he could, I can bet you anything he would. But that is not yet possible for us. I don't think he's testing your loyalty - I think he's trying to protect your feelings.

I recommend this book: 22 Thing A Woman Must Know If She Loves A Man With Asperger's by Rudy Simone

If you are serious in keeping him, you should know exactly what you are asking for first and understand his fears and reservations.

That is great perspective from both of you! Thank you. I am willing to adapt. We know each other from when we were young. I have always been very social with high EQ. I think now that we've reconnected, he still sees me as that person, but I'm now mature and enjoy my time alone. I don't know how to communicate to him that I'm willing to learn and work anyway I can, it's that important to have him in my life. I've told him I'd take him in any capacity he can give, even if that's only friendship. When I say these things to him, he just continually tries to convince me why it won't work and I try to convince him that it can. However, if either one of us tries to walk away, we don't go long without reaching out. A month would be unheard of us to not have contact. It's confusing because it usually happens after a really nice weekend together. I don't know if it's exwife stress that kicks it off or he really isn't enjoying the time we spend together like I feel he is.

Draelynn, thank you for the link. I have said these things to my wife from time to time and I will get that book for her and for myself.

I am 41, male, married for 5 years and diagnosed < 8 months ago.

One thing really jumps out at me in this post: "It's confusing because it usually happens after a really nice weekend together."

NTs relax together. Aspies relax in solitude. I would expect this to happen after a really nice weekend together. I would expect that after a few days of solitude, he is ready to play again.

Most likely, he is burnt out at the end of the weekend and needs a few days of solitude to recover. It isn't that the weekend wasn't fun for him too, it's that your definition of fun isn't his. I can ONLY enjoy myself when my wife is enjoying herself. I cannot relax when she is having fun. Relax and fun are opposites for me.

For me to have fun, I must be useful to another. For me to relax, I must have solitude. I cannot relax in her presence but I cannot have fun without her.

One day, she explained to me how lost and unhappy she would be if I were to die on my motorcycle. I had never imagined that anyone would ever WANT me around. One day (riding home the 70 miles from work on my motorcycle) I considered how unhappy, hungry and sad my old dog would be if I never came home. He would never understand why. He would just feel abandoned and lost. My wife expressed to me that she would feel the same way.

The realization that she WANTED me around not just needed me to be a breadwinner was PROFOUND.

When I first met my husband, he said he was never going to leave me. I didn't believe him because I then knew I wasn't suitable for a relationship so I didn't think any guy would want me because I wouldn't be able to meet their needs. But he kept telling me he will never leave me but I thought he would change his mind one day and will. We're still together.

Cranial- Great insight. I had researched quite a bit after he shared with me his diagnosis. I used to text him as I was driving home or leave something for him and he would react cooly, so I stopped. However, then he started texting me with texts like, "I need to get in shape". I took that as he thought by me giving him space after we had spent time together, he was feeling rejected or that I had thought there was something wrong with him since I wasn't texting and smothering him with what a great time I had. I feel I'm always handling things wrong and I just want to make it all easy and comfortable for him.

League_Girl- Great story. How long have you been together? I keep doing the same, but I'm not sure I'll be able to make a difference to him or not. I just want him to know I'm a constant in his life. Regardless of the level of our relationship. I don't know if that stresses him out or brings him comfort, but it's what my gut tells me to do.

We have been together for three years.

For what it's worth, my wife is NT and I am ASD. We have been married 27 years. So it CAN work. It hasn't been easy. Had I been diagnosed 27 years ago instead of this past January some of our struggles may have been lessened.

Tell your beau that if he wants to make it work he can. My wife and I did, without even knowing I was aspie.

Tell him that there is no perfect way for him to love you and that as long as he treats you right, that the two of you will be together for a very long time.