Asperger? Just crazy?

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Hi guys, i've recently found this website and it seems like a great place for people to talk about psychological issues, autism etc... Interesting as always!

I'm sure you get these threads all the time but well... here's another so too bad lol.

I'm a 22 year old adult male and i've been struggling since I was young. As far back as I can remember i've always had bad anxiety which led to depression (I currently take SSRI medication). When I was younger I was a perfectionist and very smart, I would do Algebra for fun on my computer from my Dad's Algebra CDs, memorize the speed of light in different measurements, enter memorization quizzing competitions and what not, just "geeky" stuff for fun, this is when I was only in Elementary school. I always befriended my teachers and would actually cry when I had to be moved to a new grade because I didn't like the thought of getting a new teacher after bonding with the current one (lol sad I know). Everyone liked me in school and wanted to be my friend, I wasn't bullied like it seems most Aspies are, I was just smart and nice so people liked me.

As I got older reality hit me and being geeky wasn't cool, no one was interested in things I was like space, abstract thinking and what not and it's when I started really going downhill and going into my "hole". I started discovering that people are weird, they only care about things like fashion, trends, fitting in and "omg did you hear what so and so said!!", superficial things that are irrelevant. I moved a lot in my highschool years and never bothered to make friends because I just didn't care too, I hated being around all the people who seemed so phony, everything feels phony to me and I feel like I am living in an illusion. Everybody I meet I feel as if i've already met them before, they are all carbon copy sheeps of each other with the same shallow and irrelevant interest and I just started drifting away. Girls would like me always (I was quiet and good looking) but I didn't give a s**t about anything, I hated class, I hated school, I would go home on my lunch breaks alone (and i'm not even a loser, everyone likes me I just don't like them). Anyway, it got worse as time went on, I quit 7 jobs after one shift, I became so distant and became more depressed out of frustration of not liking people, I just don't like them so much because they are so irrational and emotional. I was very close to my Mom growing up and she would help me through everything, when I was 8 years old I would cry in the shower because I was obsessed with pondering about death, life etc (things 8 year olds shouldn't be thinking about) and she would always calm me down and help me do things growing up like calling people for me because I can't stand the phone it gives me anxiety. I feel like I don't know how people are going to react/think or if they will have emotional outbursts at me and it makes me mad because it doesn't make any sense why people get so emotional, so it makes me really uncomfortable to be on the phone.

Fast forward to where I am now. After living at home until I was 21, I got in a bad car accident where I was given 10 grand from my insurance company so I used the money and did something extremely uncharacteristic and moved across the country to Montreal to be with my girlfriend (I had a long distance relationship, met her over the internet then we would fly back and forth to be with each other, she's one of the only people I like and can spend all my time with). So now we've been dating for 4 years and live together. When I moved here and started running out of money, I was too uncomfortable to get a job and was pretty much starving because I had no money, until I FINALLY got a job working at a vet with animals (I prefer animals to humans), after I left that job I now dog walk, I spend my whole day walking dogs and taking them on hikes all alone it's peaceful.

This is a long winded post with quite a bit of rambling, so if anyone has made it this far here are my "symptoms". I don't know what is wrong with me but Asperger seems to be the closest thing i've come across to describe me.

Characteristics:

- Intelligent
- Anxiety/mild depression
- Strong dislike for people, only can tolerate a carefully selected few
- been told I am offensive (when I didn't think I was being)
- Bad with eye contact, I hate looking in peoples eyes or having someone look in mine
- Sensitive to light and sound (use to wear ear plugs at dinner time because of forks scratching) and have trouble with light
- Incredibly strong and photographic memory, memorize things by relating them to patterns within each other
- Loner by choice, liked by all but I don't like anyone really
- Don't understand peoples actions
- Can't comprehend why people feel the need to be in groups all the time, I watch people at the mall and they are always together and all wear the same clothes etc
- Strong sensory overload, get overwhelmed in busy stores and get headaches or feel like vomiting
- extreme car sickness
- left handed (this one is just for fun lol)
- See everything in black and white
- Can be extremely smart in certain areas and interests but horrible and basic things like trying to do the dishes it takes me forever to start, if they aren't neatly piled I get very mad lol
- Always live inside my head, when I walk around all I think about is fantasy and things like space (it is amazing to think about the complexity)
- I have no interest besides Martial Arts and Writing, it's the only things I enjoy

There I am in bullet form! I am trying to figure out if I may be an Aspie or if I am just a negative, manic depressive loner

The only thing that makes me think I may not be an Aspie is that I am a very strong manipulator and can predict peoples actions easily (but I chalk this up to studying people, behaviour and people watching). I thought I may have an anti-social disorder because of my ability to become an "actor" aka make people believe I am normal in short bursts of time before I burn out. Let me know forum if you've managed to read this long post of rambling and help me out here. I hate my life most of the time, but I love myself. I get anxiety because I am forced into this society, when in reality I want to just be up in space or doing something interesting.

It could be Asperger's but I am not a qualified professional so obviously I can't be sure. I do strongly suspect that I have problems with Asperger's myself or an ASD (autism spectrum disorder). I too can dislike people these days for a variety of reasons including factors such as lifelong bullying (not applicable in your case) and also finding them to be somewhat uninteresting at times. However I am not good at manipulating people as I can rarely predict their actions or read their intentions in many ways (unless I know them very well), I don't have a lot of charisma (not a very popular person) and I have no desire to want to manipulate anyone (I lean more towards having a somewhat gullible nature where I would stop and help my worst enemy if they needed assistance and I could provide it...even if they did stab me in the back for it afterwards).

I do feel very hurt about the years of bullying though and I can feel angry about it. I am not always good at understanding or feeling other peoples feelings, am not always good at giving emotional support as I don't know what to do really (although I will try for them if they ask me) and am not always good at showing my feelings but I am a very sensitive soul in many ways.

I do get frustrated with peoples' tendency to make small talk and gossip though lol. I was also never into fashion etc in a big way.

However I do prefer my friendships to be with a few very close friends. I do not desire to be liked by everyone and tend to prefer it if I have a lot of alone time. I do however get lonely if I don't have any friends though.

I do hope you manage to find an answer to your question. Perhaps you could ask a professional for an assessment?

Last edited by bumble on 22 Apr 2011, 5:10 pm, edited 1 time in total.

NOT A DOCTOR, but..

Here's my response to your bullet points. Let's see how it comes out based on how they relate to both DSM criteria and what seems to be prevalent in the AS population:

Maybe
Yes
Maybe
Yes
Yes
Yes
Maybe
Maybe
Yes
Yes
Yes
No
No
Maybe
Yes
Maybe
Yes

Just based on information you provided, you're running about 71%..... So, you might want to get evaluated, yeah.

Aspie or not, you sound a lot like me ...

.... and welcome to WP!

Thanks for the replies. Those are just some random ones off the top of my head. There are also intrusive thoughts, OCD patterns, eating the exact same food everywhere I go lol, Alcohol abuse. I don't know how to get evaluated and I don't have any extra money to pay for an expensive psych person so i'm kind of stuck here. All I know is I feel like I am getting worse as I get older, like I feel like i'm falling behind and I don't know what to do because I don't want to be a nobody my whole life. I have a lot of potential, but I get so discouraged because of what I suspect to be Aspergers when it comes to getting things done. For some reason I believe I can just teleport and be where I want in life because I think I deserve it because i'm smart enough, but when it comes to doing the work to get there like getting organized to apply to University and what not I crumble.

Well that is a start, identifying with an Aspie that is! Thanks for the welcome.

If I am indeed an Aspie, what pisses me off when thinking about it is that I would be considered "disabled". I'm smarter than most people I know and have more potential, i'm not "disabled". Just because I don't like you doesn't mean i'm disabled. It means I don't understand your irrational and emotional human behaviour.

You are only disabled if that is what you want. If you chose to get an evaluation, or if you chose to only self-identify as someone on the spectrum, then you can keep it to yourself as private information to help you in your life path. I need no accommodations or assistance either. I have only gotten involved in advocacy and awareness.

I'm going to tattoo "handicapable" on my forehead thanks to your inspiring post

You like Poetry? It's one of my "things".

I have been free of alcohol and drugs for many years now, but I can still identify with the other things you have mentioned there. The intrusive thoughts typically only come when "my back is against the wall" and some kind of aggressive action seems to suggest itself, and I think the OCD patterns are simply about wanting everything orderly (rather than needing to do things repetitively).


Other Canadians here might have some suggestions or experience to share, but I have your same situation here in the States ... and it seems the professionals here care less and less as people like us continue getting older. Having at least appeared to be somewhat successful in the past, people cannot understand our particular kind of "burnout" is final -- learn to pace yourself, my fellow -- and yet then they go on to say our problems are not really bad enough to require expensive therapy unless we are actually suicidal and/or in need of "medication management" through the psychiatric department that does not really want to mess with us anyway because our real issues are neurological.

Whew.


Accept yourself as yourself and make an honest assessment of your actual talents and so on ... and at that point I have often just said "f**k 'em all" (those who cannot or will not understand) and then just go do whatever I can for as long as I can stand being around that particular bunch. Now 60 years old, I have averaged about one job per year for all of my working life (until now being unable to work at all as of last year), and that seeming "job hopping" can get tedious after a while. However, I have often managed to make a "complete change of 'career'" when moving from one job to another and then back again later, and that can help build/maintain enough confidence in your own abilities to keep from freaking out each time you see a present situation coming to an end.


You bet. So, just work at scrapping the teleporter idea and roll up your sleeves and say "f**k it!" and get to work. Nothing easy there, but it can be done.

Last edited by leejosepho on 22 Apr 2011, 5:43 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I am a poet (primarily). I've also written short fiction, a serialized novel, and a one-act play.

Thanks Lee, always helps having some form of support group. As I said, I may not even have Aspergers but it sure feels like it. Being an Alien has it perks though

That's cool DoP, i'm working on my first novel right now. I have a tumble account with some of my work if you want to check it out. I can't put links here so I will space it out to see if that works.

wwwDOTentry63DOTtumblrDOTcom (if you're interested).

http://entry63.tumblr.com/

Thanks for the shameless self promotion boss. Anyway I don't really have anything else to say just need to get evaluated. Should I pursue an ASPERGERS evaluation or just an all around mental evaluation to see if rather than AS I may have a different disorder?

Overall, the things I read here on WP seem to suggest it might be best to just tell your GP you have some struggles of whatever kind and then let him or her refer you to a psychologist for an assessment ... and even my own limited experience suggests doctors want to do all the diagnosing.

Last edited by leejosepho on 22 Apr 2011, 6:00 pm, edited 1 time in total.

Most psychologists don't look for Asperger's in adults. Most of the time, they don't even think about it. If you strongly suspect AS, then you will need to mention that or risk getting slapped with the standard OCD, Bipolar, or Anxiety disorder.