*pulls hair out*

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Please excuse the jumbled mess that will follow this...

Have you ever felt like your whole life was.. I don't know. If you were completely oblivious to everything?

Sometimes, I feel really nuts. I've been misdiagnosed with a lot of things including bipolar and borderline personality disorder. My new therapist agrees that it's most likely Asperger's or something similar that I'm dealing with. That in itself is strange.. I identified for quite awhile with those two things..

Everything makes sense now, but it's not a good realization. It leaves me feeling sick sometimes.

People always say that I give such good advice, I explain things perfectly.. but my life is a lie. I just absorb information well.. I study things like that. I know a ton of relaxation techniques, relationship stuff, simple because I've researched. Anything that comes out of my mouth is directly related to that..

When I started seeing a mental health professional I was only able to because of research. Otherwise I would have no way of communicating how I was feeling. I type much better and can explain things much better through text because of this.

I think there are 4 emotions, and they all have their ranges. There is sad, happy, stress and neutral. Everything falls into those categories.. I understand happiness, I understand being neutral. But I don't get people when they are upset. I seem to want to pin point the exact reason they are upset and get very upset when I can't. I also seem to think people are upset with me when they're not...

and here's where the story begins..

I haven't had many close people in my life. I'm just not a people person. 7 and a half months ago I met an amazing person. He's a huge part of my life now. We met through a website, and talked online at first. Although I have a terrible fear of phones, he called me. We've been talking ever since. He's the only person I've ever talked to this much. I've never opened up to anyone like this before... and now I'm realizing that I don't understand half of what I feel or half of what he feels. I can tell when he is in the range of emotions that include happiness and neutral, but when he's upset or worried, I don't get it. I tend to ask him if he's upset when he's not. He tries to be very patient. He knows that I am this way, and it's him that needs to adapt, but it makes me feel awful, it really does. I've been trying to explain it to him more, and this forum has helped me have words to do that, but I'm still at a loss sometimes. I try so hard sometimes to understand what people mean but sometimes I just don't get it.

I partially feel nuts sometimes, because all of the words I use to explain how I feel(whether it's my physical illness or anything else), are not my own. Do I just read these statements and become them? I believe the answer is no. I asked him what he thought about that earlier, and if I had always asked him what I should be thinking. He says I've been doing it more recently but we agreed it was probably due to me being off my medication. He also says I've never understood him being upset, and when we met I didn't really didn't know much about Asperger's or HFA.

It explains my whole life.. it really does. Everything I've gone through in this brain of mine can be explained now, but I can't help but feel extremely confused.. and through all these words I still feel like I've explained nothing.

Can anyone offer any advice..? I feel like all I do is ask questions here. I spend SO much time lurking, going through pages and pages reading everything I can but I never know what to say.

I do not have Aspergers, however I am a Man very close to a woman with it.
What you are talking of , I have seen from your friends side.
First, I would say ( more than once) both need patience.
Second I would also say, life is grand and wonderous, and try and enjoy every moment, which is just My way of saying, Enjoy things and revel in each moment.. I know this can be far easier to say , then to do when your stressed about all the things you are but please trust Me and make the attempt.
Next... Communication is Vital, and here is a little trick that works for Me to express things like My personal aggravation, anger or other emotions so she will understand it.

She asks... Are you upset
I respond yes or no , if no, then done no worries, if Yes, then
She asks.... why are you upset
Now I need to explain, I cant say just because, I cant say something vague, I can't even say something specific, without adding some sort of example.
** just an example below**
I am upset at Joe because I trusted Him to keep a secret and He didnt keep the secret, Being My best friend , I trust in Him to keep a secret and Now, I am mad at Joe.. Not you....
But remeber How I went and accidentally told your friend you were seeing a therapist, when I told you I would not and you got upset with Me?
** end example**
You see, I try and help, by not only saying why, then detailing why, I also take it a step further and show a similar example that She got upset over... Empathy is a thing "they" say is somewhat or to some level missing in people with Aspergers. ( I personally do not entirely agree with How that is said, but Im just a guy no degreee nothing...)
When I can relate, in a way that strikes Home with her, she suddenly understands My "upset" thus Empathising with Me, Understanding Me, feeling Me deep and true.
I think, if you two could do that, If He could explain like that... just one time, you might see and then the next time it will happen easier, and then the next time and so on...
As for feeling everything is a recycled thought of another.. This is a thing that is a large part of everyones minds, you may feel your not having any unique or special thoughts of your own, but If I may... I would point out your Post here, tugged at My heart and I created an account just to reply. Your Post is Your thoughts and it isnt a recycled post from anyone else ... you didnt grab it from some book... Nope, You made it , I Understood it, and I am replying to it.
This friend, sounds like a real nice guy, but then again you sound like a lovely person as well.
Remeber to enjoy life as best you can
Communicate,Share, Grow.
Be with people who love and respect you.
Remeber that and attempt not to stress ( the above helps the stress levels)
From that point, you can grow and continue to carry on studying and learning and growing closer with people who care about you.
Then , your inner reflections will start to be more fruitfull in your own mind, things will start to fit together, look how far you have gotten by now.. maybe you were not happy when you posted but think about it... your doing Good!
This interaction your having with Him now, with Me here, here on this web site... it IS Good.
Thats My opinion anyhow!

Thank you. I can't tell you how much I appreciate that, honestly.

I don't understand the whole empathy thing, not at all. Sometimes I feel as if I have way too much empathy. It's very confusing.

I'm not sure how I'm feeling at the moment. Fighting with the government, owing so much money on medical bills, a negative number in the bank account.. it's very confusing.

But again, thank you for your kind words. I appreciate you taking the time to reply.

I know what it's like to use other people's words to explain things (and then have people think they must be my words, and connect to my thoughts). That was my only communication method for most of my life. It caused a lot of problems.

Your Welcome...
Just a thought
I bet you can empathise with Me, not too much nor too little but just right.
I would bet Money on it.
Why?
Because you know I am on the same side as this as your friend. and you worry about Him, and you understand logically why you do, you listed it in your post. So then I would confidently state that I bet you can.
If you think about it, it is a failry complex process, But I bet you can do it... your own way, via your own personal thoughts.
If I am wrong, I'd have lost the bet
Oh well


Another thought, this is something for you to look forward to..
Did you notice what anbuend said?
She said this is past tense.. she is older than you...
You are both very intelligent.
time and work ...seeking, growing, learning.
There is no dead end, it is a journey with a start and a road to travel, your road, the way and extent you want to grow, your choices, your paths.. your power.

( if the statements above sound vague or like I did not complete them , that is because it isn't for Me to finish them, they are for you to finish and evolve and use in your own ways.)

I do my best. I believe I have a lot of empathy at times. Sometimes it hurts me, I feel too much for the people I am attached to. I just don't understand.

He's extremely important to me, and I do my best for him. He's worth trying for. I haven't ever tried for anybody else, because I never knew all my issues, because I had never opened up to anybody. It's quite hard to do so when you don't know how.