I feel increasingly that...

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…my mother, implictly or explicitly, is attempting to guide me in directions I do not want to go.

It's as though she fears for my safety but at the same time wants me to move out and become independent.

I am becoming increasingly defiant and wanting my freedom. It's very difficult for me at the moment because I'm not particularly assertive with others but I feel that I am not allowed to grow on my own.

For example, I want to pay off a credit card bill at a different bank. I forget how to do this. Due to going out the previous day, my wallet is in my mother's purse (it isn't safe to leave your wallet in a back pocket in urban areas). I had forgot about this, but planned to walk up to the town centre to pay the bill.

I had all the other documents I needed, but not the bill. I hadn't worked out the logistics of paying the bill (either partially from ISA and current account or entirely from ISA).

Anyway, my mum comes back from town and we drive up.

Banks scare me a bit.

I go in the bank and my mum helps me to pay the bill - without consulting me, it's "he wants to pay", denying me a voice.

When I put the card in, I mistakenly put it in the wrong way. It should have registered, but didn't. My mum comes over telling me what the right way is (this should have registered, but didn't due to the Chip / PIN machine being the way it is.

I clumsily struggle on, managing to pay the bill and leave.

Once I get back into the car, my mum starts having a go at me by saying in a stern, agitated voice "this is where the PIN is" blah blah blah. I think I can't tell the difference between destructive and constructive criticism. The way she is doing it comes across as aggressive. I tell her so. Immediately, she flies off the handle and cancels the trip we were going on, saying she doesn't want my company. I tell her that I'm not being spoken to like that by her. We argue and she tells me that there is no point in arguing, we're going home. Fait accompli, if you like. No negotiation, no debate, just a total shut-off.

So where does this leave me? I have my problems - lots of them! - but I feel as though I am being prevented from making my own mistakes. Although total freedom would be unhealthy for me at this stage, this relationship is increasingly strained and parasitic. I love my mother and show huge loyalty to her. But I feel that there's something wrong. I think, also, that it's because I stick out as much as I do and that causes people to marginalise and ridicule me, and by extension, my family. I don't know, I can't be sure, but I think I'm seen as a bit of a pervert locally due to my (legal) sexual inclinations and my, at times, indiscreet way of going about displaying them. I have been an a***hole on occasion about it but when I am like I am it makes sense.

I can't help being who I am, but I increasingly feel wary and defensive. It's like I still think I'm fighting all the time, against everything.

Anyway, I think that's enough.

I think you should perhaps explain your feelings and ideas about this at a less fraught moment. Try to be calm and reasonable, and ask her to support you in the way that you feel would be more helpful to you. And let her know that you are trying to change. And realise that she probably cares about you and wants to help you, and probably doesn't know how best to go about it.

Writing might be a good way to present your thoughts and feelings.

Problem is that this response from her is happening every week now.

Your mother is going to be like this until the day you die. The good news is that, when you are able to take long, long breaks from it, you will actually like her for it.

Also, here is some more news: you will never be totally independent. Nobody is. Everybody depends on others in some way, even if it's in ways they are not aware of. If you have a job, you depend on your employer. If you run a small business, you are depending on your man in city council to make sure that the other people on city council don't zone you out of existence or impose a regulation that makes it impossible for you to do business. If you are on city council yourself, you crawl on your belly and lick people's boots for a living, and that's just how it is. Being in Commons House is that times ten thousand.

The trick is to figure out what there is out there besides your mother that you can depend on. Your doctor? An employer? A good landlord who is willing to work with you if you're having a bad month? Maybe there is someone out there who works in some trade who might teach you a few skills you would need in order to take up the same trade one day. And it's different for everyone. Literally.

But always remember, you can always depend on your mother. She might drive you to distraction and make you want to rip your hair out by the roots. She might mother hen you to death, and she might be impossible to live with for more than a few minutes at a time without making you want to run screaming. But you can rely on her absolutely and completely, and you won't be able to say that of very many people in your life.

Last edited by WilliamWDelaney on 27 Apr 2011, 9:45 am, edited 1 time in total.

People behave in patterns, and unless you do something different, they won't do anything different.

The thing is, I've asked her and though she is more conciliatory later, neither of us is any the wiser.

And I am not crawling over broken glass for anyone, especially people I don't even like. Why do that?

And don't talk to me about the House of Commons - I'm UKIP, remember. The party of Eurosceptics and establishment-haters.

But what I'm saying, Tequila, is how you can avoid having to crawl over broken glass to get what you need. Find people and things in your life that you can count on. By that, I mean ways you can fulfill your basic needs without having to humiliate yourself in order to do so. Leave that indignity to the people we pay to endure it, namely our politicians.

Tequila, you should say something as the event is happening. When she speaks for you at the till, just calmly say that you can do that yourself. If that's too much for you, just echo her. "I want to pay my bill". When she started showing you things in the car, you can say "Mother, no offense, but I know this". I have to do this all the time with my own parent, I'm not sure how it will work for you, but you should try to nip it in the bud before it becomes a complete argument, and see how that works for you.

While she may not like it in the moment, later she may think about it and realize she was in the wrong. I think the reason you don't feel any different is because there isn't a line being laid down, and there may not have been any apologies to mark a change in behavior.

Best of luck.

I do say that. She carries on.

I don't feel entirely confident enough to deal with it myself, but I don't like the alternative that she gives me. It makes me feel as though I'm mentally deficient.

Oh. Have you had a very serious discussion about it? Like asking her after dinner to talk, sitting down at the kitchen table and telling her that you wish her to stop this? I am unsure if you have gone through that step already, from what you have written.

Getting her to talk about anything at the moment is difficult. Any time after tea she usually won't talk to me. Unless she's had a drink. I can ask her, I suppose.

Perhaps you could try to earn more of her respect (which you deserve anyway, regardless of what I'm about to say or what you do) by showing her that you can do some things on your own and that you can be a help to her. Even small things, like cleaning up around the house for example, can help show her that you are trying.

Right, I just went and asked her if I could speak to her after dinner, during dinner itself. After dinner, I asked her if she would come into the kitchen. She flatly refused.

So I spoke to her in the living room, asking my father if he would please leave whilst we talked.

I spoke in a very calm and conciliatory tone. I told her what my problem was and asked if we could resolve it.

She said, essentially, that any criticism of her efforts (however positive) would lead to her not 'helping' me at all. I said that I welcomed improvement but I found the tone to be condescending. No attempt to understand was forthcoming.

The very moment I finished, she simply switched on her programme again as though I was a nuisance.

Mothers are always going to want to protect their children... at least the GOOD ones do.

Is there a less stressful way for you to pay your bill? Can you mail it in or pay in online? Finding your own solution and making it work without her intervention will go a long way in showing her that you can do it on your own. Instead of resenting her help, prove to her its time to cut the cord.

She doesn't want criticism? She won't allow your input? I'm sorry but that sounds horrible, like she may be doing it more for herself, or out of a feeling of duty. I've wracked my head and I can't find any more real advice to give you. It's unfortunate that you are in such a bad situation. If I was in your shoes, I probably would have told her that if she isn't going to work with me, instead of against me, then I don't want her help. But that's just me.

Well, I'm going to tell her I'm effectively bypassing her from now on. I've opened an online banking account instead.