I am NT - I have no idea what my AS crush wants? Help!

Post Reply New Topic

Hi all, I’m new here so please bear with me if my question sounds a tad ridiculous or too familiar, but I would really like input from those who have been diagnosed with AS.

I am deeply in love with someone that I am 99% sure has Asperger’s, but I obviously cannot ask him as that would be rude. Soon after we met I noticed that things didn’t add up when we had conversations and I spoke to some of his colleagues who have known him for many years, but all they mentioned was that he was the nicest guy that they’ve ever met, some of them even said “too nice”.

We went out on two dates last year and it was only after Valentine’s Day this year that I started to think about his oddities (or things that us NT’s would regard as odd, my apologies). My friend who has experience with AS mentioned that there could be a strong possibility that he has it, so here is my dilemma:

About a month ago I told him that I needed to chat with him which we did the following day and he did most of the talking. The conversation centred mainly around marriage - he wanted to know how my family would feel letting me go to a guy who wanted to marry me, how much say do they have regarding my prospective partner and a number of other similar questions. It seemed to me as if he was wanting to know where I stood with regard to marriage, but then he says:
“Love is not the way it is in the movies…please don’t give up on love it could be closer than you think. …I hope you find someone that deeply loves you and wants to take care of you….” He ended the conversation by saying "love will conquer all obstacles".

I don’t know how those with AS express their love (or rejection of love) to another, but do you think that he was trying to tell me to find someone else?? I was very confused after the chat because I had no idea what he was actually trying to tell me.

Your input would be greatly appreciated. Apologies for the long post….

Last edited by Luella on 21 Apr 2011, 3:57 am, edited 2 times in total.

What exactly make you think he's Asperger's?

Also, just because he has Asperger's does not mean that other people on the autistic spectrum will be capable of perfectly predicting his motivations. People on the spectrum are more likely to be more direct than to beat around the bush and hint at things, but the only one who can know what he means are people who actually know him, specifically.

It's hard to know, of course. But if you love him then you probably also like him a lot, and many Aspies tend to be attracted to those who like them. It's quite likely that he doesn't know how much you care...we're not usually good at reading the signs, and it's therefore often very hard for us Aspie men to reveal our feelings for women - unlike neurotypicals we can't "sense" the attraction, so to declare love is often a much bigger risk for us.

He's clearly interested in your happiness, and if there's no particular reason why not, he's quite likely attracted to you in a romantic way. Especially if he's normal sexually and if he doesn't have a lot of female friends.

The only way to figure out what he meant, IMO, is to sit down, have another chat with him, and ask him. As was said, we need people to be direct. People with ASD are also direct, and I have no idea what he meant by that either. Maybe he was being direct in his own mind though, or maybe he likes you and was trying to protect himself from rejection not knownig if you liked him back. I absolutely have NO idea. I do think it would be wise to sit down and have a very open, very direct talk about your feelings to see if they are reciprocated though. There is a way of doing this in a direct manner without saying, "hey, I like you, do you like me too?" but I have no advice on how to do it since I've never been in a relationship and probably never will be.

I agree, I'm super blunt, anyone who asks me how I feel about them will get a very frank answer good or bad.
But if he hasn't told you anything yet at this point where you seem to be serious then maybe he doesn't know about it, in which case it would be a big shocker.

3 times you do not use direct terms. You assume too much.
1. Do not want to be rude. Want an answer ? risk being seen as rude or maybe not.
2. You were not direct ask the exact words to what you want to know.
3. Ask do you love me ?
4. Ask do you want to marry me after the love part
5. learn to be direct cut the fluff out of the talk.
6. I do have AS and would be greatful a woman was so direct but i do not know the guy so you will have to find out what applys to him.

I don't feel qualified to guess in your situation, but I can share how I demonstrated (or failed to, as the case may have been) my feelings for potential dates in the past.

I tended to just want to hang around girls I liked, and talk a lot, and just spend a lot of time. I called it "dating", but there wasn't anything beyond a casual (non-sexual) kiss, and seldom a hug since that's an AS hangup in my case. I missed all the signals, and in at least one case, I think she was very much taken with me, and was very disappointed that it never went anywhere. I just never made a move, and that wrecked most of the potential dating situations, as I think the girls would just assume I was gay, or not interested, or had deep emotional problems that they didn't feel equal to getting into. The result was that at least 4 times, I spent months hoping to turn a friendship with a girl I liked, into a relationship, but had to watch it slip away when I never responded to body language I couldn't detect, and I never conveyed any body language either. My wife practically had to force herself on me, and that was her best clue that I have AS. She could see the feelings were all there; they were just all misdirected and bottled up behind fear and a shield of Victorian family values.

Again, I can't express strongly enough to you, that I would never want to offer bad advice. With that said, I might suggest asking him straight up: "I know we've been hanging out together for awhile (and also you can recite any intimacy that has taken place, and how it makes you feel about the relationship)"... Tell him you don't necessarily want to change anything anytime soon (this is important because if he has AS, he will scare away very easily).... "How do you feel about me; you have talked about marriage, and I want to know how serious you are about that? Do you need some time to think about how to answer that? It's OK... I'm not proposing or trying to corner you... I just don't want to get hopes up or down for something if we're not on the same page" Then depending on what he says, you could offer your point of view, and reassure him as needed, as to where you would like to see this to go. You don't need to know whether or not he has been diagnosed or suspects he has AS... It doesn't matter. What matters is whether or not he is sending and receiving body language and innuendo, and what if any communications blockades he may have. Once any or all of those communications lines are adjusted to work both ways for you and for him, you can both feel what direction is right.

I hope this helps, and I wish the best for you and him. Sudden irreversible changes in a relationship would terrify most any aspie. It could be that he is more madly in love with you than you ever imagined. Ask my wife how tricky it was to figure me out!

Charles

The statement he made sounds like it came from someone who truly does love you, but may feel inadequate about being able to show it in a useful manner.

You will probably have to talk to him about things. Words are just so much easier, whether he is AS or undiagnosed and socially awkward, than trying to read between the lines. Communicate plainly. Spell things out. Ask for clarification. If you think he means something that he isn't saying, ask whether that's what he means. Put everything on the table, in plain view.

You may want to approach his AS traits in some fashion. If you're going to get serious in the relationship, his AS or his AS traits (he may not be diagnosable) should be something that you both know about and work to get around. It's very much like loving someone from a different culture--say, you're from England and you date someone from Kenya. You'd have to be very open about your differences, understand them well.

I would suggest a conversation opener like, "I've noticed you seem to have trouble with [autistic trait] and [autistic trait], and I'm wondering whether those are things you're aware of..." Make sure you explain that you really like him--all of him, including those autistic traits--and that you want to communicate better, not magically change him.

Some autistics don't tell their NT significant others that they have autism because they're afraid they'll be rejected for it. It has happened in the past--the reputation of autism, partly due to overly dramatic awareness campaigns, is heavily skewed away from the reality of it. It's just important for you to make him understand that he can tell you in words that he likes you, and you'll believe him--he doesn't have to be emotional or demonstrative; he just has to be himself. Communication is ideas getting from Brain A to Brain B, and it doesn't really matter what form they take in between just so long as they get there.

Well, I have ASD, and all I wanted with girls I liked was for them to be honest and straight with me.

If I were him, and I liked you back, I would want you to take me for a walk in the woods and tell me everything that you're feeling-- absolutely everything. Be completely 100% honest and heartfelt. Tell him what you think about him, and your potential future together. Disregard any notion of how this might seemed ill-timed; with AS, such restrictions do not apply.

Yes there is a chance you could scare him away... and a chance he may not reciprocate the honesty... not everyone with Asperger's reacts the same way to it as I do. But it sounds to me that he really likes you, and wants you to move things forward. He's trying to get you to tell him how you feel, but he doesn't want to scare you away, because girls are easily scared away by our intensity.

You need to remember that people with AS cannot read subtlety, even where in human interaction it seems normal or "appropriate." Tell the truth, the whole truth, nothing but the truth.

************************************************************************************************

Check out my IMDB page!

Wow, I am truly thankful for all the responses that I have received...very informative indeed. In November last year I told him that "he was the guy that I was looking for" after he asked numerous times about a boyfriend that I made clear to him that I didn't have (he is 42yrs old btw). He gave me a blank stare, thanked me for telling him and then I left. I didn't realise at the time that he might have AS so I took a few steps back because of his behaviour.

During our chat a month ago I mentioned twice that I was attracted to him, he smiled, said thank you and continued with whatever he was talking about (I interrupted his conversation to tell him that). Last week while chatting with some colleagues about intellectual issues, he mentioned "you're probably looking for a bright husband". I looked at him and thought "what the ...", he knows how I feel. Are AS sufferers generally insecure maybe?? Do you think he might want much more reassurance??
I'm assuming that if he didn't feel the same way he would either tell me or not be around me??

I wouldn't expect a man with AS to be so obtuse. It's certainly not true of all guys with AS but the expectation is that a guy with AS is going to be direct, even blunt with such statements. That statement is so convoluted I don't think anyone would know exactly what it meant.

Was it an ultragentle let down?
Was it an awkward confession of love?

I think a straight question and a request for a straight answer may be in order. A guy with AS would probably appreciate that. 'Normal' guys, who are nervous and 'too nice for their own good' would probably just waffle on the straight answer too.

Maybe he's gay and you're in the friend zone.

He's a homophobe...so that kills the gay thought...

Not nearly as much as you might think.

ditch him

It sounds to me like he feels inadequate, and when your conversation got too deep he deflected it away by equivocating. My ex-bf (was is NT) was constantly telling me that he wasn't good enough for me. Some people are just insecure, AS or not.