A Question from a Parent

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My almost-three-year-old son is diagnosed with severe autism and is non-verbal. In November, we started him in an ABA school. He has demonstrated great intelligence, and the doctor who runs the program has to add to it every few days because he is learning so quickly.

I am a teacher myself, and have been working with him in my own way. I have taught him the handful of signs he knows, as well as his colors, letters, and numbers. We are currently working on spelling 3-letter words.

Recently, I have come to a small disagreement with both my wife and the school. My son engages in certain repetitive behaviors. I do not discurage him from his activities. My usual approach is to try to steer these activities in a positive direction. For example, my son likes to cross street corners when these have traction pads on them. Rather than stop him, I have taught him to stop at the curb, and, though he cannot do it on his own yet, I help him look left and right to check for cars, and then let him cross safely. My view is that he needs to learn to cross a street safely, so why not start now?

The two current areas of disagreement are:

1. The repetitive opening and closing of doors, and
2. Playing with his light-up toy writing tablet under a blanket.

The school wants me to prevent him from doing the first, and my wife wants me to prevent him from doing the second. I, myself, am a bit conflicted.

He needs to learn to open and close doors. He cannot, yet, open and close all doors by himself (It's mainly the doorknobs and the weight of heavy doors that trips him up). So why shouldn't he get more practice and develop more strength in his hands and arms?

As regards the toy, I can't help but feel that playing with it in that way brings him some kind of peace. I mean, he works hard for three hours at school in addition to the stuff I do with him at home. So why would even a half hour of such play be detrimental? Moreover, I can't help but feel that the repetition of both the sounds and appearance of the letters on the tablet was a contributing factor to him learning his letters so early.

So which is worse: To let my son engage in activities that NT people may consider odd and asocial? Or to take away from him two activities he seems to draw peace and development from?

I think only one of those is even bad at all, and I encourage you to keep right on doing exactly as you are doing. Your son must ultimately learn to not continually open and close doors in disruptive ways (such as letting all the bugs in at night), of course, but trying to manipulate or to even actually force him toward "performing" like somebody else's perception of "normal" that is actually quite abnormal for him is going to cause other and truly-serious problems on down the road ...

... and welcome to WP!

Last edited by leejosepho on 10 May 2011, 1:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Those two activities sound fine to me. They aren't dangerous to him or disruptive to other people and they are having positive effect. The only problem I can see with opening and closing doors is if he can't channel it to appropriate doors and is opening alarmed emergency exits or private doors that other people don't want him to open. (or opening and closing the fridge and letting out all the cold air. Or opening and closing the front door and letting in all the bugs or cold/hot weather.)

If it's just repeated opening and closing of doors at home, that sounds fine to me. Just make sure it's appropriate doors.

I am an NT parent with an autistic child and her shrink did try to talk me into forbidding her stims. I just didn't. It's your house. You don't have to do what the school says in your own home.

As to playing with the lighted toy under the blanket, talk to your wife and find out exactly why she objects. Maybe she has a reason that can be addressed. Is he doing it at night and she's afraid it's cutting into his sleep time? Does she think he isn't getting enough air under the blanket and she'd prefer him out in the open? (hey, anything is possible). If it's something practical, there is likely either a good counter argument ("it's only half an hour, it helps him sleep" or "we'll get a lightweight blanket and put some airholes in it" or whatever her practical issue with it is). If it's an ideological objection and she feels that it's just "too weird" or "looks too autistic" then say that as long as it's not hurting anyone, including himself, he should be allowed to do it. Preventing him from doing it won't make him not be autistic. And preventing him from doing it will needlessly stress him out.

His life is stressfull enough without taking away two things which are harmless and probably even beneficial. It's adding stress for no actual benefit.

Firstly I would like to say that I can sort of understand your wife's concerns, however as everyone else has said if the behaviour is not causing any damage to your son and I don't see why it needs to be changed. As far as I have learnt from reading various books about autism, some parents do not come to terms with the condition as easily as others. I'm not saying this is necessarily true of your wife but maybe she is just trying to turn him into the child that she dreamed he was going to be.

I personally as a high functioning autistic adult do not see behaviours like this as particularly problematic. If your son is in danger of hurting himself during the opening and closing the doors however I would then intervene. Sometimes behaviours which may seem strange to anyone who is not autistic are the only thing that keeps us feel income in this strange world. I myself used to line things up, spin, flap, rock and make noises. My mother not being very aware of autism, and due to the fact that she was chasing my brother round as he had ADHD did not see these behaviours is problematic. As far as she was concerned as long as I was not in danger or screaming in distress then I was OK .

Ya I agree with your assesment, should be aloud to do both of those things.

I would second the messages of the thread. My parents tried to shout autistic behavior out of me but this did not work that well. All it led to is me emigrating as soon as I could afford it and still feeling bad about certain things. So, yeah, IMHO, there is nothing wrong with limited, non-disruptive stims.

I could see the door thing being disruptive at school. I'm not sure how you could get him to stop with out drastic measures. My own personal feeling about such things is "no harm, no foul". The light wand under the blanket sounds like something any kid would do. Stims should be redirected, not prevented.

FWIW, ABA is considered a bad thing by some people here at WP, so you might get some intense responses.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear, but I would NOT let him open and close doors or stim in other ways for endless amounts of time. I think he needs to learn when it is appropriate and when he needs to stop. Therefore, I would allow him, say, 5 minutes of every hour to engage in his stimming activities... then stop him and engage him elsewhere (the engaging him elsewhere is important. Don't just leave him to play by himself, or he'll go back to stimming). Reduce to maybe 3 minutes of every hour or 5 minutes every few hours, and you have created a balance of being allowed to stim and knowing when to stop.

Temple Grandin offers that very same kind of advice.

There are far FAR worse stims than the two your little boy engages in. Unless he's opening and closing the door on his head, I don't see the big deal.

Is he playing appropriately with the light-up toy? Is he using it in the manner that the toy company intended, or is he stimming with it, such as pressing the same button repeatedly? My son has toys in his bed, because he doesn't always go right to sleep when I put him to bed. I see no problem with him playing for a bit until he winds down enough to get sleepy. It's usually no more than 30 or 40 minutes, and then he's out.

Maybe your wife would be content with putting your son to bed 30 minutes earlier to allow time for the light-up toy. You know, just kind of work it into the bedtime routine.

...but he's three.

The door is interesting, and a common interest from what I understand. It is something he is interested in therefore, it can be a valuable teaching tool. If doors hold his interest you can teach everything from words, colors and shapes right up to the history and science behind hinges and those compressed gas piston things that automatically close doors. You can teach him actions and appropriate time and uses as well. If it is something he is interested in, use it for all its worth. There is a very good chance he is preseverating on it now but that he will outgrow the door and move on to something else as he grows up.

The toy under the blanket doesn't sound like a stim to me but an interest he zones on after a long hard days work. He needs down time. You can read any number of posts here about Aspies and Auties talking about their recharge time - how exhausting it can be to interact all day long. This isn't something that can be 'unlearned' - this trait is one that needs to be worked with. He's found his recharge time in a quiet, safe location and it has the added bonus of also being educational too. You never know - he may grow up to be a light spectrum scientist... Again, he's three. If he is progressing well, learning well and not causing any overt problem with these interests of his, I'd keep an eye on them but not remove them. I'd enlist their help in the education process.

I'd say your instincts are right on target, dad.

I agree with you, dad.

This seems important. How much can you expect of ANY three year old let alone one on the spectrum?

I had a friend who worked at an ABA school for LF autistic adults and one of the areas they focused on was reducing and discouraging stimming. This is one of the reasons, as I understand it, why ABA is controversial in the autistic community, though I am not particularly knowledgeable and others here can offer more in-depth information. This issue may cause more disagreements between you and his school in the future, and perhaps between you and your wife if she feels the school's lead should be followed at home.

I agree with SuperTrouper's advice that perhaps rather than either suppressing stimming or leaving it alone altogether, there may be a useful middle ground that allows stimming but also redirects it.