It's hell being socially awkward

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I wish I wasn't socially awkward. I know even NTs can be socially awkward sometimes, but my awkwardness comes with my every-day personality, and none of it is intentional. I do surprise myself when I have normal conversations with people, because often I do. I find small talk easy, but keeping up actual conversations (more so private conversations about other people's personal lives) can be difficult. Say if somebody was talking about their kitchen being done, or their dog dying, I never know what to say or ask. My mind goes blank, and I just find myself saying, ''ah, yes. Right. Uh-huh. Oh. Mmm,'' and so on, and it makes me look uninterested - although I am interested. I use the correct tone of voice, to make it look more like I'm interested, but because the conversation finishes so quick, they probably think I'm not very interested. But because I don't really talk about myself or my special interests much to other people (unless they ask), I probably get let off the hook more, because they probably think, ''well, she doesn't go on about herself much, so she must be more interested in us, for that matter.''

Sometimes I feel I'm half NT and half Autistic, or in between. But it's hard to know where the NT part ends and the Autistic part begins, although it is there. The socially awkward part is probably very, very hard for even my to pinpoint, and also for others, and that's what makes it harder for others to decide what sort of a person I am and how to treat me, ect.

But being socially awkward is hell. I get treated differently. Like last Christmas I went out for a meal with my work, and someone else there had to catch the same bus home as me, so she said we could walk together to the bus-station. It is in quite a rough sort of town, where you get a lot of stabbings and attacks and fights, ect - and it just isn't the place where you'd want to be walking on your own in the dark (and everybody who I work with knows that). But when we got to the place where we were having our meal, the manager asked the person (who was going to get the bus with me), ''oh I will give you a lift home.'' Then she looked at me and said, ''sorry, I don't have any more room in my car because there's a lot of stuff in the boot of the car.'' So that meant I had to walk through this rough town all on my own. But nobody thought about asking me if I will be all right or offered to walk halfway with me, or anything like that. When I went, they said goodbye and everything, but I knew that if that was someone else having to walk on their own, they'd probably worry about them. Due to be social awkwardness, I felt ''afraid'' to ask anyone if they will walk with me. I didn't want to just say, ''oh can you walk with me?'' I don't know why, but I just felt there was something wrong in asking that to someone. And I didn't want to say, ''oh I don't want to walk on my own - I'm afraid,'' because I felt there was something wrong in saying that aswell. What would an NT do if he/she was in that situation?
I guess I'm not popular enough to be fussed over.

I used to have the same problem with convesations. You should try telling the other interesting things you've been thinking about (you do live a lot in your own head, right?) even if it may sound weird to them. You will peek up on the skills for holding a conversation in this way.
Some people actually do like hearing this kind of stuff and it's better to have few aquintences/friends then none at all. I do find myself ostracised and gossiped about by the more rigid and shallow people however...

As for your question. I would of borrowed some money for cab fair.

It's only terrible being socially awkward if you have a need for people to like you.

http://taoofautism.blogspot.com/2010/08 ... e-you.html

I agree! I'm socially awkward but I've never placed much worth on the approval of others so I usually don't let others' opinions stifle my personality... ironically, I've been told people consider me their friend and I am a cherished part of a social group and am endearing to them because of my "weirdness."

Well I don't want to wind up lonely the rest of my life. I have NT traits too, where I find general talk natural with others, but there does come times where I come to a dilemma and then struggle with it, or feel stupid, then I regret it for days after. I don't know why - it's just the way I am. There are too many people about now to be ignored, especially if you don't want to be. Who wants to walk into work each day with everyone hating you? Fine if you don't care, but I do care. Nobody can talk me into not wanting friends.

I think a part of me wishes to contact with people, talk with them. I'm not at all good at small talk in general, I find it very uneasy to do, if I can do it at all, defying my anxiety or the very way of reserved thinking you described in your op.

I have a small number of friends, to whom I talk to, and in exchange I listen to their speech about their special interests, life, my life, and receive some advices (even give some). But this talks are not small talks in their nature, more like intimate, friendly talks, without any rigidity or sticking to the unwritten social rules.

And you are right in saying who wants to work at a place where everyone hates you? At least, one must find a way to get along with the shallower people too, even if it's very hard sometimes.