How do my parents not get it?

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For some reason, my parents go about their lives all the time without realizing that everything isn't ok. Like I constantly get easily confused or forget things they say and have them repeat it, I stall when asked simple questions like "which tie do you like" at kohls, to the point where they make snap judgements, like thinking that I don't like either because it took me too long to answer. I don't really have any friends or do much at all besides take college courses, which I only pass because test are impossible to fail when they're multiple choice, they see that I have trouble organizing things or getting to places on time, with everything I need. And I am extremely clumsy and move mechanically and without coordination.

They even know that I have asergers, and they don't take it seriously at all when I tell them about the struggles I have with concentration or the inability to get things together in my mind, i'm always just being too hard on myself and need to just relax. Is this how all parents deal with their kids failure to thrive? Btw, i'm a 20 year old student at temple university.

I get very similar reactions from family. I think it's just due to a lack of true understanding. They may understand you have Asperger's but not really have a sense of what that means, and go on treating you the way they'd treat an NT. In my case, pushing me and expecting the pressure to produce the desired results (a functioning me). This only leads to further stress.

It makes little sense. They are setting up disability benefit meetings for me at the same time as complaining that I don't have a regular schedule where I get out of the house every day, and "have a job like everyone else your age." I could not take the stress of a daily out-in-the-world job. This is beyond the comprehension of someone for whom entering an office full of people every day does not send them into fight-or-flight mode.

I'll probably erase this post later. I don't like talking about family stuff. But I wanted to let you know I am in the EXACT same situation.

Maybe they just accept it.

If you can "act" normal - and for years I tried myself - indeed it keeps the parents happy. But it suffocates you inside each day, as you drift further both from understanding and from being yourself. If you can get them to understand and accept your difference, that would be ideal, but it is also as likely they will not be able to comprehend. It's a matter of wiring, of the content and function of our minds - for better or worse we are irrevocably different. You have to be true to yourself, and if that means distancing yourself form your parents, changing the scenery, then that may be a necessary step in your self-discovery. You see, living in a state of mimicry, of adaptation, of constantly trying to control and "fit in" as we so often do will wear you out, because it is not what you are. One of the most valuable journeys in life is the journey of self-discovery, of trial and error, and if you do not partake in this root of human nature, you slowly will fragment, stagnate and find yourself getting older with no clear idea of who you are. It is not how those with Autism should live - but it is often where we end up given the many ways we are impeded from the outside and inside. For those who are Autistic, self-discovery is imperative to keeping a healthy mind, to warding off depression, anger, and anxiety. Autonomy is very important to us.

I'm disappointed to hear that your parents are being that way. Obviously I can't judge them or you, as I don't know you or them personally, but I think it sounds kind of like how I was treated by some of my authority figures when I was a teen & in my early 20s. There are some people who will not accept that one person can do things/learn things better or more successfully by methods which are different from those methods used by the parent, etc. If the attitude is something like they're thinking (or God forbid even saying outloud) "Why did I bother to ask you that... You'll never give me an answer because you can't"!, that's a TERRIBLY destructive attitude which is very selfish on their part, and it WILL HURT YOU in the long term. That's not only my experience, but it's been explained to me by several MD/psychiatrists who specialize in AS and Autism. Listening to, or feeling, that kind of input from those you respect, will lock you down into an "I can't do it, so that's just the way it is" attitude. That's NOT how it has to be!

In the example of picking a tie, it sounds like they just aren't being patient, and they don't understand that when they ask you that question, it might be a loose and informal question, but you (we with A.S.) hear it as literal and scientific. This makes it super-hard to answer a question that does not have a factual or scientific answer, such as "Do you like ____ or ____?". If they asked you whether or not the tie is black, you would answer instantly, I'd guess.

All I can say is that you are way ahead of many people with A.S., simply by coming to the WP forum. We cannot make people understand us all the time, but we can compare notes, and begin to work on identifying people with whom we can work, and those with whom we need to limit contact at some point. My rule is that if someone (friend, family, teacher, or whomever) leaves me feeling judged or bad about my inability to answer a question the way they wanted it answered, or if they constantly call me out for having "weird" opinions, then they aren't ever going to make your life any better, in fact they're sucking your self esteem away. At 20, this probably all sounds like too much, and I was 40 (went through 2 careers and several girlfriends, and several completely different sets of friends), before I began to figure any of it out for myself.

Charles

KX, thank you for that post. I would speculate that that type of thinking, like "oh just get to the point already" etc takes place in their minds often, even if it is euphemised by them finishing statements or saying wishy-washy feel good statements like "you just have to practice it" and "try to remember next time" . They get tacitly frustrated when it causes them a disconvenience, like if I make something at night because I forgot to during the day or fail to plan ahead, but then if the topic of conversation is the aspergers, they say all the right stuff like how its just a different way of thinking, doesn't mean your dumb, isn't a bad thing, etc. If it isn't being brought up, then the AS is invisible to them and I'm held to the standard of a neurotypical person.

Also, what you said about the question being an abstract one making it hard for me to give an answer hit the nail on the head, and helped me understand why I can answer certain types of questions, like school ones, with alacrity and stumble when trying to process and engage with social language, which is often anything but literal.

It's great that your at the most promising part of your trial and error process. You seem like your at complete peace with who you are and surround yourself with people who love and respect you for it. Keep it real.

I know my mother and step father never wanted to accept that something might be different; I think their attitude of 'you're choosing to do this' gave them the ability to put it on me to 'correct' my behavior and not actually do anything to help. I wound up learning to act NT as much as I could and things got better between them and I but I still felt like a fraud.

I started my 'weirding out' moments (this was long before I knew what Aspergers was) while living at home; go into my room, close the door and stim or let all the other things explode. Thankfully my obsessions we things I could disguise as studying.