Mom doesn't think I have AS?

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Hi. I'm a freshman in college, and a few months ago I told my mother that I thought I might have AS. I seem to match up with a lot of the traits.

Because I was crying when I told her, she took me seriously but basically said, "I was shy like you, and I didn't have any friends in my first two years of college either... you just need to be braver and try harder." Also, she's a retired rehab specialist who sometimes worked with children who were on the autistic spectrum (for non-autistic reasons), so she's really confident that I don't have AS. But, my mother is also really supportive, and she tells me that if I think I really have AS I should at least see someone who can tell me I don't have it. I'm also a girl, which I think I read means that symptoms are different. So maybe the autistic people she saw were boys?

I'm coming home in a week, so I'll have the opportunity to possibly talk to my mother more. I guess I go through stages where I think "it's all in my head. I just need to try harder." I don't know. What would a diagnosis even mean? I've lived 19 years without one, but recently, with college, it's become extremely difficult to deny my differences. I read some of the posts on this forum and it's like pages from my journal.

As it happens, I'm now hiding in my dorm room (a single, thank god!) on a Saturday night, with extremely loud music practically trembling my bed. It's really pathetic, but I'm sort of afraid to go to the bathroom because I think everyone's drunk.

Anyway. I think I have AS. I'm still not sure I want to approach my mother about this again. I can't even imagine telling my father. I keep thinking "I'm going to get help this summer" and then the next day I'll be like "I don't need any help - I'm just shy." Blurg. I'll probably regret posting this tomorrow morning. I'll go back to thinking I don't have friends because I'm not trying hard enough.

Well, it is all in your head. Where else would a mental disorder be?

Whether you have AS or not, I don't think it would hurt to try harder.

I vacillate between thinking AS and thinking shyness too.

One thing that makes me wonder is that this year I actually did manage to make friends (and it wasn't because I tried harder, it was because these friends took an interest in me and made the first move.) And even though I have friends now, it's still extremely hard for me to figure out social rules. I am not more comfortable in social interactions.

It might be worth getting help. Even if it is a problem such as anxiety instead of AS, at least it would get identified and then you'd have the option of treating it.

You should get yourself tested, anyways. You're an adult. You can get tested if you like.

I was scared to talk to my parents about being autistic too. Both of them basically ended up saying that they see that I have some autistic-like traits, but they don't think I'm really autistic. But both conversations were overall positive. (I talked to each one individually, and talked to my mom several months after talking to my dad.)

It's good that your mom is supportive of the idea of you getting evaluated, even if she thinks you probably don't have it. Hopefully she would be willing to accept the results of an evaluation even if it says you do have it.

I'm probably going to try to get evaluated soon, and while I've talked to my parents about the possibility that I'm on the autism spectrum, and the results weren't bad, I'm still nervous about telling them I'm getting evaluated and asking for their input about my childhood.

I sympathize on the going back and forth about whether you need help or just need to try harder, too. My mind is having the same kind of debate since I started considering getting evaluated, though about a different troublesome trait.

In some people's cases it does, if they try so hard that they burn themselves out, or put so much effort into one thing that they don't have enough for something else that's important. That may not be so for the original poster, but sometimes trying harder does hurt.

Does your mother possibly have undiagnosed Asperger's? Some parents write off the behaviour of their kids because it's "normal" for them.

Wow, so didn't like the "mental disorder" comment. Also, the "try harder" thing is not great advice IMO. Be who you are, try not to worry, it makes things worse. Many many professionals don't even understand what AS really is, look at all the people on here that are very sensitive to moods of others, etc, yet many mental health and medical professionals think anything on the spectrum means the person is "disconnected" to what is going on. I personally think (I am as yet undiagnosed, and have been scoffed at for suggesting it more than once), the the whole autism spectrum is about hypersensitivity and overload. For me, often the "socializing" thing gets lost in all the other stuff that is going on in the interaction, so it's not that there is not enough "getting through", it's that there's too much.
Also, most of the socializing, (and college kids can be the worst) is just plain stupid stuff going on.

I'm fairly certain I'm an undiagnosed AS but I might give you some advice I gave somebody else. Labels are unhelpful in NT society, they only serve to push you out of the "in-group" as you now have a badge that says "I do not conform".

Don't bother getting a formal diagnosis (I haven't) just tell everyone you are NT and don't hide in your bedroom - just a carry a glowing mobile phone with you when you and pretend you are talking to somebody when you go the bathroom and nobody will bother you.

This is my main reason why I don't want a formal diagnosis too. And that is what I meant by trying harder. I hate pretending like I'm someone I'm not too, but it's the only way to maintain the little bit of social life that I do have.

My dad doesn't believe in aspergers either. Which is funny, because he's been a classic example for eighty-four years.

Parents have a big stake in their children being normal - be patient with them and they'll come around.

My parents were a little like that. Even though everything's sorted out now and we know why I'm such an antisocial person, my dad will invariably make a huge fuss that I haven't made any effort to talk with people after we come back from holiday (they're to family houses where there are lots of cousins and people around). Even though I have! I spend most of my time with the little kids or at least in the same room as the bigger kids (one has suspected AS actually and is good for table tennis, but conversation between us would be a bit of a joke, the other is the anime/Blink182 type, she's not that bad, but nothing in common really, and the others are younger or whatever). But it's never enough for him. And before I was assessed, my mum kept saying stuff like "I was shy too. I spent all my time in my room too!" (which is completely untrue, because family stories and things always show her as this outgoing centre of attention), trying to make out that I was just lazy. I still wish they read more about AS. I never doubted that they cared about me and now, when this is pretty important to me, it's like they're not even trying to read books about it or talk about it or anything. My dad especially, he's the ultimate family man and always tries to work things out, and I feel like he hardly cares. Because they're not really involved in it, I feel like they won't want to be involved in other things (even though they were so overprotective and more partent-y than my friends' when I was little). I think they just dislike my personality now I'm nearly an adult (in age!). But whatever. Getting a diagnosis like this is received in different ways, especially when people hardly know what autism is.

It's thought that girls and women get overlooked for various reasons, but there are other things that cause social problems and just because it isn't AS doesn't mean they don't cause valid difficulties in life.

Concerning females and AS, there are various reasons they are thought to be underdiagnosed.

I recall seeing a dateline special where a woman had a son who had been diagnosed with AS yet her daughter, she was told, did not have AS, despite the fact that the mother claims her daughter's traits were exactly the same as her son's. For some reason how a person is perceived hinges largely on their sex in this society.

There is also an inherited social tendency to overlook quiet girls. Many of the men in the Love and Dating forum use this as a basis to support their claim that women with AS have it easier. A quiet boy or man stands out in society but a quiet girl or woman doesn't, because girls and women are expected to be reserved...or at least this used to be expected of them and some remnants of this mentality exist today. But of course this really just leads to her needs being neglected so I wouldn't really say she has it easier.

Ways that girls or women might present that may differ from boys or men is that it's soeculated that girls might imbed themselves in a group of girls and follow the lead of the others and learn to mimic their behaviors. It's speculated that girls may generally have special interests in typically girl type things, such as horses, cats, or arts and crafts, and that the excessive degree of the preoccupation goes unnoticed. I once knew another girl with AS and she played a paper doll game for many hours a day.

It's also been speculated that girls don't draw attention to themselves because they are less aggressive and less likely to be disruptive in class. Aggression was never part of the description Hans Asperger gave, as far as I know, and it is not part of the diagnostic criteria for AS, however people seem to prefer to use it as a marker for AS for some reason.

Personally, I didn't present any differently than the boys with the exception of the fact that I was not aggressive. As a child I actually had a rather profound case of AS to the extent that I did receive accommodations though it was not known to be AS at the time.

Even so I tend to be met with skepticism when I tell people I have AS now days, and honestly I don't think I would be questioned nearly as much if I were a man. Ironically people have asked me if my roommate has AS, rather spontaneously, and the answer is, no he does not. He has PDD-NOS. He has many friends, he works with people all day, holds a steady job and doesn't feel socially impaired. He does have some very strong AS traits concerning rituals and schedules, but one would only see this if they lived with him. Why do people assume he has AS yet doubt me? I suppose it's because he's quite and I'm a woman.

Strangely enough people also assume he's left handed. We're still trying to figure that one out.

If you are borderline (like myself) then it's a but like a blonde person with has a grandparent who was black. If people don't pick it up then don't bother drawing attention to it.

Wow, sorry guys! I went to bed after I posted this because the people on my hall left for some dance (thus leaving me with a small window of quiet to fall asleep). Thank you for your comments.

I will readily admit that right now, within the last few months, I have not been trying hard enough. But, you have no idea how hard I used to try in high school and middle school (or maybe you do). I tried hard last semester, too, and people decided I was "different" somewhere in there. I can understand where cyberdad is coming from. Once people identify you as "different," they treat you differently. No one at my college bullies me, at least not to my face, but when they talk to me, they treat me like I need their special consideration. I'm not sure how to put this. It's like they're looking down at me, even when they come to me for help studying for an exam or understanding an assignment. I feel like there is a huge disconnect now between how they perceive me and how I am. And that's just with a label of "different."

I think it's already too late, and pretending I'm normal will not get me far anymore. I go to a tiny college, and it would be impossible to erase that. Either way, I hate having to analyze everything I say or do. It's exhausting. If I don't over-analyze then I end up saying something offensive that I didn't mean. Also, I have absolutely no desire to be in the in-group (actually, I haven't identified such a group at my college). Regardless, I don't like doing many of the things popular people do, and I would much rather have friends to whom I can relate.

My parents do have traits from the autistic spectrum, and they don't have friends now either. My dad's working too much to have friends outside of his colleagues, and my mother's a lot like me. In fact, her main complaint when I told her I thought I had AS was "you're just like me."

Chronos: Thank you for your post about girls. I find it interesting that girls are so undiagnosed and that AS in girls hasn't been studied more. I guess when I was the most "different" I was 4 - 8 years old, so whatever was "wrong" with me should have been diagnosed then. I used to have tantrums and not remember why I even started crying afterwards (I would make up a reason after they calmed me down). I was aggressive in that time frame, too, hitting my younger brother, biting my teacher, and chasing my older brother around the house with a shovel (errr... blushes... it feels like another life). I sucked my thumb until I was 6, and slept with a blanket until I was 8. I think that they sent my to a psychiatrist/psychologist (not sure) and determined that I was normal, only that I needed more attention (my parents both worked full-time and my babysitter didn't speak English well). Thus, my mother started working part time. I think they attribute my behavior improvements (which basically meant me becoming more reserved and quiet) to having more attention. Anyway, there really would have been signs when I was at that age that I had something, and my parents are doctors. I have no idea why, if I do have AS, it would have gone undiagnosed.

Thanks everyone for leaving responses. I hope I addressed everything. I'm going to tell my parents that I want to see someone, even if it means I get a label. I think I need help, even if I don't have AS, and maybe identifying my problem areas will help me lead a healthier life.

This.

My mom tried several times to talk me out of going to my assessment. I also thought she would go far enough to sabotage it for me once we got there. When I explained my reasons for wanting an assessment, she shrugged off a lot of my symptoms saying 'so what...I do that' or 'so...x does that' (one of my cousins)...she was on her VERY best NT behaviour during her interview with my doctor, and conveniently, she left out describing ALL of our shared traits. I believe my mom and my brother are on the spectrum, and I believe that my mom doesn't want to know this about herself, and also she has some guilt about my childhood because she asked my dr. when I was young about AS and he dismissed her because I was a girl, and girls don't get AS (this was in the 80s)...I think she is now feeling badly because my life has been anything but easy, and had she just stood her ground, maybe it would've been a bit easier with the proper supports/understanding.

I hope u seek a diagnosis if that is what you want, and you don't need your parents input to do so. However, some drs. will want to talk to them about your early development, but you should be able to get a diagnosis without them if need be.