How do you feel when you accidentally offend someone

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How do you feel when you accidentally offend someone you like or hurt their feelings without meaning to?

Case #1:
I have an older female acquaintance/friend who is good-looking. One day I said she reminded me of a famous actress. I thought this would be a safe compliment. She icily told me that this actress was actually 20 years older than her. Now she will no longer talk to me.

Case #2:
Two co-workers and me were talking about the Wizard of Oz. We began joking about it. I innocently joked that I'd play the part of the Cowardly Lion, that the other lady could play the part of the Tin Man, and the third lady could play the part of the Scarecrow. The third lady suddenly became extremely offended and said it meant that I thought she was stupid in reality and that I meant she really had straw for brains.

Case #3:
I was fooling around in grade 2 at recess by drinking water and not swallowing it, just letting it collect in my cheeks, which blew up like balloons. My favourite teacher came by and laughed at the way I looked, with my cheeks pooched out. She thought I had blown up my cheeks with air, so she playfully squished my cheeks with both her hands. Obviously, she got squirted with all the water in my mouth. She insisted I had done it on purpose and from then on no longer liked me.

When this sort of thing happens, I feel like a squashed bug. I experience deep feelings of horror and feel that my continued existence is surely an abomination. Then I remember each incident and dwell on it for the rest of my life. It sort of makes me feel scared to say anything to anyone just in case I mess up and offend them. I even used to punish myself severely for each offense, though I no longer do so.

The same as they feel when they offend me......nothing.

I do feel really bad when it happens, which means that I'm excessively passive in order to avoid it. I hate that about myself. And the worst part is that most of the time, I don't even understand why they are offended. If they at least told me why, then I would know for the future, but 90% of the time, they just leave me guessing.

As for the cases you mentioned, it's no wonder we have trouble anticipating these things. Why would the one lady assume that you meant she looked like the actress currently? You could have meant that she looked like she did 30 years ago. In the second case, the scarecrow was the smartest one! He only thought he had no brains. I swear, people bewilder me.

I do feel bad but it's really more out of embarrassment than anything else.

I feel a sense of unfairness. I was not judged for being a bad person, since my INTENTIONS were good. Rather I was judged for not "fitting into" some "scheme" by which intentions are judged.

My first reaction would be to try to explain exactly where the misunderstanding was. Usually it comes across as my "dwelling in details" and people don't have patience for that. But on my end of a line I know the reason I "dwell on details" is precisely BECAUSE these "details" were misunderstood as something huge and offensive and I am desperate to explain why they weren't. But the other person refuses to listen.

Then, at a point when the other person walks away and it is absolutely clear I can't force them to listen regarding what happened, I begin to fantasize about various "bad" things I can do on purpose. That way things can "become fair": after all, I will do something "bad" that will deserve the treatment that I received, even though it would be a cause-after-effect.

Usually though I don't follow up on that fantasies, unless I have an apportunity to do so right in front of me; if I do, then I will probably yell something openly aggressive. That is my version of tantrums. I was actually pretty surprised when I read autistics tantrum for sensory reasons. In my case it is never sensory. Rather, it is ALWAYS about "getting back" for having been "misunderstood".

Last edited by Roman on 27 May 2011, 12:03 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I apologize and try to correct the situation. Sometimes I feel bad, especially when it is clear I just made a huge faux pas, but I am not sure that most of the time I feel anything, beyond occasional confusion because I can't figure out why the other person misinterpreted me so badly.

And sometimes, I think, it's really not me - it's them, and they're aggravating the situation.

Well it's almost always a case of misunderstanding for me, so they can usually be resolved, but yes, in the moments between, it is quite a feeling of dread.

Always feels like I bit off more than I can chew. That comfortably joking around is something I'm not allowed to do.

I know it's backwards, but I can cut loose way more with people I don't care about. Ties can easily be severed.

You know I like you if you make me nervous. Or at least that your opinion matters to me.

I feel bad when I offend people. I used to always assume I had offended people and think everyone was mad at me, but I'm better at that now.

I just worry that people won't want to be around me any more if I offend them.

Recently, I was joking about something and the guy I was joking to took it seriously and was offended, and I felt bad because I often take things seriously that aren't meant to be serious so I kind of understood. *gasp* is that empathy?

Case #1:
I would think, "whoops." I'd think she was vain and my opinion of her would drop. I would feel bad about the loss of relationship but it was an honest compliment.

Case #2:
I would be left totally confused. I would start obsessing over the meaning of the three characters for the rest of my life. I would replay different senarios in my mind that swapped the given roles.

Case #3:
This one made me laugh... (sorry...) Hmm... How would I feel? I'd probably have flashbacks of it for years on end that would trigger panic attacks.

All these people sound extremely sensitive, you didn't say anything wrong, it's not your fault. There are lots of people who would laugh at things like that and not get upset. You've unfortunately only met with the neurotic ones. Please don't be afraid to say stuff, it's only by moments liek those that you find out who your real friends are.

I feel very guilty and even a little afraid. I don't like having enemies, even if it's in a very small way, and knowing that I caused it is nearly enough to send me over the edge.

That only applies when the offense is justified. If the other person is merely overreacting, I feel nothing, and am in fact disinclined to spend any more time with someone so touchy.

First off I must say, I feel terrible if I offend a good friend of mine. However I feel extremely hurt and betrayed and anger if they act the way the people in these situations acted, consistantly.

She's incredibly insecure, and completely rude for taking out that insecurity on you. People like this will actually look for things like this, to try and misread and misunderstand your intentions. From my experience with people like this, she most likely subconciously didn't like you, and was looking for an excuse to break ties with you. She would not listen to reason. However, if you want to repair the relationship, I can give a suggestion of something you could say to her (or send her in a letter or by another friend of hers).

Tell her you are sorry, and that you weren't thinking. Tell her you were trying to compliment her, and you weren't thinking about the age of the actor. You didn't know the age of the actor, and make a note most actors make themselves appear 20 years younger than they actually are. Also note that it doesn't matter the age of a person, they can still look beautiful/young and have an amazing personality.



I might say the same thing as above; perhaps she didn't like you and was looking for an excuse to say it. But my personal opinion is that she really DOES have straw for brains because of the way she handled that.

Make note to her that actors often play characters that are the exact opposite of their personality and intelligence. You weren't thinking about the exact traits that matched each person, rather, you were just trying to fit everybody in, and leave no one out. You were trying to be friendly and joking, and had it thrown back in your face.



She's an idiot (no offense meant, hehe. But you don't have to think that, especially if you like her. Just ignore me). I want to leave it at that, as I have with the above two, as well. Seeing as how there is probably nothing you can do about it now, I can offer you reassurance that it wasn't your fault.
#1 You had just come from recess and the water fountain.
#2 She had no business touching you in the first place
#3 She was the one who squished your cheeks. How were you supposed to know she was going to do that????!
#4 You were very young at the time; she should know that even if you did it on purpose, you were probably only doing it playfully. Kids are like that... well, they can be.

Grfhdfsfhdjfhhfhhhssss I hate being in these situations, but I found myself in them so often (and still do), where these kinds of misunderstandings and hurt feelings occur. I generally stop talking with someone if they do that too often, and they will refuse to accept that they could be wrong in their assessment of myself and my intentions (which are, MINE, and not theirs!), because they are insecure and unwilling to think rationally and deal with their emotions and thoughts in a mature way to avoid breaking a friendship and making you feel bad.
I get even MORE angry if I see this happen to one of my friends! Or anyone else in general (except someone that did it to me. I take pleasure in letting other people experience the injustice they force onto others).

I HATE THESE SITUATIONS. THEY ARE SO ARTIFICIAL AND PETTY (/endrant)

I hate people, too. (And I say that jokingly. I don't hate people, I just find them to be unbearable to be around them for situations just as these)

Also, I JUST NOW had an idea.
What if, when they see you apologise and act horrified, they think you are actually feeling guilty because you meant what they thought you did? (In the same way people with AS and stuff have trouble looking people in the eyes, even when telling the truth, people will think there is something wrong with them or that they are lying or guilty).
What if you act offended that they could think you meant that? And then be angry at them in the same way they were angry at you! They would see that as a "normal" reaction, and one they would experience themselves. MAYBE. Don't take my word, this is just speculation.
After all, it IS offensive that they would be angry at you for something like that! Or hurtful, to me at least.

Whatever, if they cut ties with you for something like that, and refuse to let it be repaired, then you don't need to waste your time with them. You are a better person than they are, and need to move on in your life and watch them fall behind in theirs.

... ... ...I feel like a bad person for saying that. ... ... ...

Whenever I say something that I think offends or upsets someone, I usually feel a good amount of guilt and a need to apollogize at the earliest conveinence. Even though I rarely encounter anyone who won't accept an apollogy, I still feel that they're going to just hate me until I make some effort to redeem myself, no matter how trivial the incident might be. Long story short, with me it's more a factor of personal guilt than fear of someone else.

Puzzled, mostly - because I often can't figure out what went wrong.
Then, the next time I see the person - uncertainty. I get ultra-cautious about saying anything at all in case whatever it was kicks off again.
Very, very rarely people explain to me what was wrong and although it's interesting to have the wreckage laid out for my inspection, I still tend to think they were being over-sensitive or just plain ridiculous about it.

Last edited by Cornflake on 27 May 2011, 12:30 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I can remember feeling devastated by incidents like that and avoiding the person I "offended" basically forever. Now I just see it as the kind of minor complication life throws in your path sometimes and don't give it much thought, except to wonder why the "offended" party chose to make so much of it. Since I know I meant no harm, I seldom try to explain myself to the other party, unless it's a boss. I just go on as if nothing has happened.