Do you "play dumb" if confronted re: your AS manif

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Since my diagnosis about 10 years ago, I've improved greatly, but still had a few behavioural mishaps and misinterpretations slip through the cracks. Most of which I'm sure were ignored, or obliquely called to my attention, it's the ones that people confront me on that I find unsettling, and my default response is to pretend I don't know that I have "some sort of problem" as their NT layperson labels would call it.

I realize this "play dumb" approach might invite more ridicule, or gossip, or whatever, but I feel persecuted in disclosing the truth , not to mention that even though people are more enlightened about AS than 10 years ago, they still offer silly advice as if they have a medical background (which I would prefer NOT to hear ).

Whatever the circle/setting, be it friends, close ones, workplace, associations, etc...I have occasionally gotten a comment like "you know, I've noticed that you're very bright but you don't seem to notice people's preferences 'in the moment' for when you interact with them - you need to pay more attention to what they're not telling you." Or at work some time ago, I had a boss who would repeatedly confront me about unspoken rules being bent, which I did not see as causing anyone any grief but she was the complete 180 of an Aspie - she would call me on them, then I would say "OK, I will keep that in mind for next time". Her response: "Well, I don't want you to memorize responses for every single situation, just let it come naturally to you, just perceive (making a rounded globe gesture with her hands). OK?? " All I could do was say 'OK'...

To a couple of those "confronters", I did eventually tell them, and they didn't appear to take my response seriously. Not outwardly so, but I have enough experience with interactions to know when somebody is just giving lip service and doesn't really have any conviction behind what they're saying (that part of my AS has improved, more so than absorbing arbitrary unwritten rules). At least I didn't get the dreaded "why didn't you tell me??" when the answer should be obvious to them, the same reason why gays have had the "don't ask don't tell rule" for so long, i.e. fear of persecution.

I know one of the hallmarks of AS is 99% honesty in one's interactions, but I think the "playing dumb" is the justified 1%.
Some might not agree, but that's their prerogative and I respect their choice.

I have never been confronted about my AS but I do that when confronted about something I feel very uncomfortable about a confrontation.It's like:
Uncle in law:What's this thing I hear about you smoking
Me:(upset face)I haven't been smoking.
UL:I know you have
Me:I dint know what your talking about
UL:Well, you better now start(still believes I have)

There is no single answer as to how I feel/react, as there are many different attitudes and reasons why people might confront or ask about my peculiarities.

If it's a casual situation, with people I really don't know, I'll make it kind of a humorous thing by saying something like "Yeah; I guess this is part of high-functioning autism", and give a light laugh. Usually people will drop it at that, or laugh with you about it and point out something about themselves that's weird or funny. That means that they weren't really being judgmental, most likely.

In the particular case with YOUR boss, I might think about sitting down and sharing the details about Asperger's, and seeing if it changes how she acts with you. If you're doing a good job, and she is just frustrated with your inability to "feel & see" situations and act accordingly, and IF she's a logical and non-judgmental person, that might help a lot for her to know what Asperger's is, and how it works. And in fact, I might even worry that if she doesn't understand (has no idea you have it), she might just get worried that you're some kind of weird personality, and might be afraid to keep you on staff. People are instinctively scared of things (and other people) which they cannot understand or figure out. In fact, you MIGHT even consider printing out this thread, and giving it to her along with a paragraph explaining Asperger's, and the pros and cons of working with someone with Asperger's.

If it's someone moderately or very well-known (relative, friend, boss, etc), I respond with another question: "Charles, I know you're smart, so why would you do "____?". I might answer "Do you think what I did was weird (or whatever the suitable word)?" Then if they say "yes; why don't you do better?", then I say, "Well, what makes you think something else is better?". In other words, I keep replying with another question in stead of any kind of defense or answer. A judgmental person WILL nail you flat on the wall if you try to answer a loaded question with a defense or an explanation. Eventually they'll learn that they can't get you into a vulnerable position if you keep them at bay with the answer-with-another-question method.

And by the way, I remove those judgmental people from my life if at all possible.

Charles

I'm am a big fan of your technique Charles! I've done this as well but never in a deliberate fashion. The way you worded it pulled it all together for me.

Bottom line - it's your choice what you do and do not want to tell people. You can decide to withhold your dx from people without being ashamed of it or yourself. I know some people feel that 'hiding' it is a disservice. I think thats rubbish. Bias and discrimination are very real obstacles. Everyone cannot be the Rosa Parks of the autism discrimination issue.

If your boss regularly questions you about your 'approach' or feel they need to critique your interaction abilities it may be in your best interest to inform HR of your dx. Disclosure is the only way to protect your job should it come into question.

Other than that - do what feels right for you.

Playing dumb just means pretending to be ignorant, pretending to not understand something, or pretending you don't know what people are talking about. It doesn't literally mean you are playing dumb.

I have gotten situations like this. My aunt who got me the cookbooks for our wedding presents, she asked me if I have used them and I told her I haven't and that i don't like to cook but my husband does. She told me I should use them and I told her I have a hard time understanding the directions and she told I just follow the directions and it's all easy and she wouldn't understand it's just hard for me to understand them. She just kept saying you read them and do as it says.


My office clerk thought I didn't use common sense and wouldn't understand my mind doesn't work that way. He expected me to be psychic and magically know where everything is when they move items around and have a savant memory. Obviously people can do those things and I can't. I wonder if things would have been different if I said I had a disability so it makes it hard for me?

I don't know if this counts as playing dumb but when I think I know what someone is talking about, I ask them what is it and what are they talking about because I want to make sure we are on the same page and that the person isn't talking about something else. This is how beans have been spilled before with other people. They think someone is confronting them for something they did so the person admits it and turns out that is not what they were talking about and bam their confession was out. I sure don't want that to happen to me so I just wait and see what they are talking about by asking even though I think I may know what they are talking about. But is it really playing dumb? I mean I don't really know what they are talking about, if I do think I know, I am just assuming so I don't really know what they are talking about so that is why I ask so it's not truly playing dumb. You never know what someone is thinking after all. You're just assuming what they are talking about. If people just refuse to tell you, I think they are just too lazy and it wasn't that important anyway or else they wouldn't be too lazy to tell you. Just something that wasn't a big deal then or else they would have told you, even if they thought you were playing dumb. After all they would want to shove it in your face and not let you pretend if it was that important. If they don't shove it in your face, then it probably wasn't that big of deal and I don't know what they wanted then. Maybe they were just curious and decided on the spot to forget about it. I always hate it when people go "never mind." My shrink said it's because people don't want to bother to explain stuff to me.

Now if your feeling kinda ballsy try this response

Do you talk down to diabetic employees for not controlling thier insulin production better, then why do you seem to think it is ok to talk down to people with AS for not spontaniously curing themselves.

Mind u i informed my employer in writing after being diagnosed. Gave me a good deal of saticfaction to be able to tell this to a supervisor that had criticized me in the past for being hard to understand sometimes(the fact that i work for a nonprofit that provides autism services made it that much sweeter)

Go you!

. After all they would want to shove it in your face and not let you pretend if it was that important. If they don't shove it in your face, then it probably wasn't that big of deal and I don't know what they wanted then. Maybe they were just curious and decided on the spot to forget about it. I always hate it when people go "never mind." My shrink said it's because people don't want to bother to explain stuff to me.[/quote]

Whenever the "nevermind" arose (even before my Dx) I just promptly responded with a shrug, and either "OK, well that's your choice" or "OK, can't blame me for trying". Sounds a bit passive-aggressive, but I think you recoup some of your dignity that way, which is already wounded by someone writing you off in that manner.

Hi Charles,
Well, the fact is, I already told her about it (and HR for that matter), as I said in my original post: "at work some time ago, I had a boss who..." Since then, we've both moved on to different jobs, and nobody got fired. The reaction when I told her? Well, it was basically nil, it didn't change any of her confrontational questioning over every little innuendo or idiosyncrasy that didn't meet her "normal" expectations. It was if I'd never even told her.

And, I would definitely NOT have printed out this thread to show her, since such a judgmental and bigoted person could easily become vindictive if they were talked about on a discussion board, even anonymously. Why take chances.

Your idea about answering a question with a question to a judgmental person is bang-on BTW - will have to try that tactic when I next encounter such a personality (unfortunately, that's a "when", not an "if" )

I think it might actually work better to try doing this.

Maybe instead of pretending to understand nonverbal communication, I should just make it even more obvious that I do not.

Well, try not to think in absolutes - don't say "I do not" but "I am challenged by it". Just like a dyslexic would not misspell every single word they type, but it would cause some stumbles along the way.

Besides, and this might sound cynical on my part, but for people who don't know about Aspergers, declaring that you don't understand non-verbal communication will not diminish their proclivity to take advantage of you or harass you. That's been my experience. On the other hand, for people who DO know about Aspergers due to somebody close to them having it, are more understanding and much less inclined to harass me if I tell them about my challenges. So those are people that I would not tend to play dumb with, I would open up to them more.