In Tears... Is this TRUE about Aspie?

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I'm Neurotypical. My SO and I have been dating for over a year and are in love. Recently I found out about my SO's Asperger Syndrome. I am reading Complete Guide to Asperger's Syndrome by Tony Attwood and I first opened to the chapter about Long-Term Relationships in shock and horror. It states that a problem in the relationship is that the Neurotypical will feel lonely and, "Although the couple are living together, conversations may be few, and primarily involve the exchange of information rather than an enjoyment of each other's company, experiences, and shared opinions. As a man with Asperger's syndrome said, 'My pleasure doesn't come from an emotional or interpersonal exchange.'" As I read those two sentences, I burst into tears. This completely devastates me. I am so upset and sad. I don't know if I am going to continue reading this book. I am so devastated.

This is what stuck out to me the most in this book and this scares me: "I observed a situation where a husband with Asperger's syndrome was sitting next to his wife, who was in tears. He remained still and did not offer any words or gestures of affection. Later when I discussed this situation with him, and asked if he noticed that his wife was crying, he relpied, 'Yes, but I didn't want to do the wrong thing.'"

Last edited by CheshireCat1 on 24 Jun 2011, 11:38 am, edited 2 times in total.

More generalizations. I haven't even read this book, but the more I hear about it, the more I want to toss every copy into a furnace.

Atwood is an expert on AS, but he's not autistic himself, and in some areas he's dead wrong about what it's like to be autistic.

Incidentally, intellectual exchange can be very intimate. If you don't know that, then you're not a geek and you've never dated one.

I am so upset I am crying

Wouldn't it make more sense just to ask your guy any questions you might have?

Well, from what I know, if I don't enjoy someone's company, I don't spend time with them. Simple as that. Life's too short to spend time with people you don't like, and for me, socializing is difficult and takes a lot of effort, so if I interact with somebody, it's because I really think it's worth it.

Seems to me like some of these AS "experts" make value judgments about our interaction style for no good reason. Yeah, we're nerdy. Yeah, we might have an odd way of interacting. Yeah, sometimes we can't get ideas from Point A to Point B. But we connect to other people just as deeply as anyone else, care about others just as much as anyone else. The big fallacy is that if you aren't emotionally demonstrative and suave, you don't feel it. But that just isn't so. Just because we aren't much good at smooth talk doesn't mean we can't love somebody. We're just going to be ridiculously awkward and nerdy about it.

Last edited by Callista on 23 Jun 2011, 9:07 pm, edited 1 time in total.

You could just ask him.

If you've been dating for over a year and you haven't had any problems thus far, trust that over what a book says.

But yeah, you can always bring the conversation up and then try your best to be honest and calm in your conversation. Don't jump to conclusions and if it seems like he's given you a hurtful answer, try to clarify.

As I said, if you haven't had any problems so far, you're doing great! Trust those 365+ days as evidence that you can last and you will be happy.

If you've been your SO for a year, then I would imagine that you are a much better judge of how they feel and how they act than a book is.

I'm NT, my SO is AS- We've been together for three and a half years now and I promise you we have a perfectly loving relationship, same as any other couple. Being diagnsoed with AS isn't going to make your SO suddenly become some emotionless robot who speaks to you only to share data. They'll be exactly the same as they were before, with the exception that they'll likely be more comfortable with themself knowing that there's a reason for any of their more unusual traits rather than just thinking they're a weirdo.

No matter how expert the author of the book may be, People with AS are as different from each other as NT's are from other NT's. A book generaly describing what someone with AS may be like will likely have no relevance at all to your SO's actual personality.

Most importantly, don't let what you've read in a book change the way you act towards your SO. If they've stuck with you for over a year then they're obviously happy with you just the way you are. Suddenly acting differently, treating them with kid gloves, are constantly pushing them to show affection and love because you're now paranoid that it isn't there, is the worst thing you could do.

I've been instructed by my afore-mentioned SO to also point out how amazingly awesome and wonderful she is

Thanks for the advice.

If you're willing to buy another book, I would recommend Mozart and the Whale. It's about the relationship between two people with AS, not an NT and someone with AS, but it pretty much takes a huge dump on the whole "people with AS lack emotions" myth. Also check out the movie version if you have a Netflix account.

I've read the same book, and while much of it is true about me, much of it is also far off-base.

Yes, my conversations tend to mostly involve exchanges of information, with little "mushiness" and few terms of endearment.

Yes, my pleasure is derived mostly from my own accomplishments, rather than the number or quality of my relationships (although sex is very pleasurable).

Yes, this seems to have an adverse affect on all of my relationships, even though my wife is a very caring and patient woman (she seems to instinctively understand that I'm a little "different" without needing to be told why).

As I've seen so often before, "When you've seen one Aspie, you've seen one Aspie". Each of us is a unique individual, even though most of us present the same "symptoms".

But if you place primary importance on the degree of emotional fulfillment that your SO can provide, then in my opinion, you would also eventually have the same issue with a neurotypical once he became "burned out" with constantly trying to gratify your insatiable need for emotional fulfillment.

Good luck with that.

I would recommend "Aspergers from the Inside Out" by John Michael Carley. His book is very easy to read and he has Aspergers Syndrome. I feel he has a very positive, common sense take on the subject. I don't read much (I can't stay engaged in reading- my mind wanders too much) but didn't have any trouble getting through this one. Just the first chapter is worth the purchase!

I have been in a relationship for 4 years with an amazingly loving and understanding guy he listens to, reads about and interacts with me based on my special interest. and many times we will have the same conversations over and over again. I love talking to him about my interest and in exchange I try to listen and participate in what interests him though I am guilty of dominating our conversations with my interests. Sometimes we will sit for long periods and say noting ad its okay. I LOVE being around him and even when we don't talk having him near makes me happy I enjoy being with him. he is the one person i am really strongly bonded to. I also do value his opinion too. so for m this statement is wrong.

When I got married, I was doing part time university by correspondence, so I always had an excuse for going into my study and spending lots of time alone. I still need hours on my own each evening - the stillness and quiet around me is necessary to create calm inside me. It is nothing at all personal about my wife - I am not trying to avoid her, I am trying to regain inner calm.

My wife used to meet me for lunch together when we were both working in the city, but I had to stop that because I was just getting overloaded - I needed the lunch break to recharge, not socialise. Work is so "stimulating" (I mean overloading, not exciting) that I need at least an hour alone in the middle of the day to recover.

I am also sound sensitive (misophonia) which makes it difficult to eat with my wife in quiet, confined places. This does not affect most Aspies, although a few here have this same problem. Again, it is not at all personal about her (or how she eats) it is just a physical limitation of mine: for me (and many other people with misophonia) eating sounds are torture (seriously). It is yet another reason why I need time alone - time without distressing sounds.

Aspies tend to be very faithful partners, and deeply (but quietly) attached to our SO. But we still need lots of time on our own to recover from interaction, and we may not do chit chat very well. But we might love to share our special interests with someone else. Also, we may work well with our SO - I and my wife used to work together on working bees, e.g. cladding a house wall together. If other Aspies are like me, they won't understand gossiping about people we have never met, or social stuff like "who is popular and who isn't" (bleugh!), or details about how someone felt. After all, many of us don't read our own feelings very clearly, so we don't read other people's feelings very well either. Our interests tend to be impersonal - e.g. science or technology - but we may really enjoy talking with others about those scientific or technical things: that's our kind of social interaction.