Recently, before I knew a term existed for it, I had a meltdown. A monster meltdown. I mean, I've had them before it's just this one almost ruined my life. I paced, stimmed, talked baby talk, became confused, girlfriend hit me, there was screaming, and all I could do was pull of the road and cry as every sense burned around me. The meltdown started because I was researching autism and became obsessed with it a bit. I knew I was always different, and never talked to anyone. Looking back now I never had a smile in a picture and when I was it was forced. When it was candid there was nothing. I started looking more into the autism spectrum. And my girlfriend and her friends didn't believe me. They called me a hypochondriac even though I have meltdowns. But that's for the other forum. I noticed that I felt little empathy and my thoughts were concerned about hiding away alone to play classical guitar and study drugs and neurobiology. My whole life was filled with anxiety attacks, rituals that hurt not to perform, hurt my brain. They thought it was OCD, panic, but they never saw how bad I was socially. They never noticed me wandering aimlessly across the playground in a stupor as I made a dream world far more beautiful that the one I was forced to endure. Endless bullying, etc. But back to now. I have always wondered why I had to prethink every word I used and smalltalk etiquette was nothing. Why I had to be alone constantly and why patterns are my nature. I see them in everything. It's the reason I can play classical music. I can only play by patterns I see and not by sheet music or tabs or anything unless I really like the song. But for some reason I can freestyle classical if that makes sense. When I was with people for weeks I just shutdown and even the thought of driving someone to the dr gives me a meltdown. When I am alone I am free from fear, I can think of orchestras in my head in some ways and in other ways I know who I am. Every time I am in public I freeze mid thought. I have two brains, one that is all emotion and one that is pure logic. I knew this before I knew anything about aspergers or autism. I know I am somewhere on the spectrum just hope I'm functioning enough to live my life. Now that I know about it in detail, because of how I am obsessed with my life story so to say, I am recognize when I do things like look for patterns in everything and look at peoples lips when the speak. I can now try to mend the way I speak as others speak, I've not a clue who speaks first at work. I feel like a machine but I know since I feel like one I can feel. And when I feel it pours like a torrent. I know what they mean when they say it's like having control over only one part of your brain at a time. Right now since I am mad at my girlfriend for not believing me and abusing me during a childish meltdown I have lost feelings for her. When I think about those feelings it is as if I become a kid who needs the reassurance his mom's coming to get him. When I am in this state I am capable of so much mathematical-esque thought. When I listen to music like Debussy I feel the sides come together. It's beautiful. Logical beauty, a paradox made real. Steam engine that feels the twisting of its gears and the fire in its belly when it doesn't want to. So it shuts it off, and just runs, until it cracks from self doubt. That is me, and that is my story of how I've discovered I'm on the autism spectrum. Too many other symptoms to list, basically the entirety depending on how much I hide it.
24 Jun 2011, 3:06 pm
