Child abuse, Asperger's, or both?

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Hi, everyone. I am new to this site and, like many of you, searching for answers.

About a week ago I stumbled onto descriptions of Asperger's syndrome, and I couldn't believe my eyes. There, in black and white, was everything that drives my girlfriend insane about me (that had come up in couple's therapy). Here were the hundred or so oddities I have noticed about myself at some point in my life, but never bothered putting together. Here again were details so mundane and yet so specific to me, that it seemed as though someone had been following me, taking notes, since my birth.

Couples therapy is happening because my girlfriend has been offered a major job all the way across the country. We have been together for a year and a half (a major accomplishment for both of us) which was just long enough, and yet just short enough, to call into question whether or not she should let me come with her.

Of course I had a major meltdown and broke up with her for even questioning it. I kind of freaked. :) When she said she wasn't sure if she, a scientist with a master's degree, could commit on that level to someone as low-achieving as myself (a Mensa member, making minimum wage in a grocery store) I couldn't hear anything else she said after that.

(Does this ever happen to anyone? You hear one "negative" thing and everything else is like a ringing sound in your ears? She said I worked myself up so as to not be able to listen to the reasons for her comment.)

Anyway, my reason for posting is this: when we move, which we have decided to do together, I am going to lose the Kaiser Permanente insurance I have through school, at least for a year. Depression is something I am already taking wellbutrin for-I think my doctor was considerate enough to have prescribed it to me without making a formal dx.

However, I was abused as a child. Seriously badly. My late father was a religious Armenian nutjob. He would beat us for NOT looking him in the eye. He called my brothers and myself shifty, sneaky, evil children of the devil, etc. But how do you look at someone, without fear, who is likely about to backhand you? I think I must have learned the little bit of social intuition that I have early on, as a means of survival. But I also had no friends. I cried at school almost daily from about third grade on, hid during lunch and recess, typical geek stuff. Aside from all the sordid details, it seems that severely abused children can manifest AS-like social symptoms as adults.

That doesn't explain a lot of other weird/AS traits I have, though. Everything I read seems to fit me except the "obsessive" focus thing. Yes, I obsess, but one would think that I would have special skills by now. I have had a lot of interests that I have abandoned before I got very good at them, almost as though I were afraid to succeed. I know I lack confidence.

So...should I go to the evaluation I have scheduled...? To see if I have AS? I tested 45 on the AQ quiz, and the more I read, the more it makes sense. The move is looming, and I am terrified. I don't have any friends that I will miss, but what if I can't find a job in Philadelphia? Would a diagnosis help me find employment, or really help me at my new college?
Or is the label something I don't want to be saddled with when it comes time to get new insurance?

My girlfriend, btw, has been really great. She isn't convinced I have AS, but would welcome the dx as explanatory. Then again, she sees me at my "best", rawest, closest bonding level possible. She doesn't know all that I have had to overcome. Neither, I fear, will the psychiatrist. Just because I can shake his hand, and restrain myself from rocking back and forth in the office doesn't mean I am NT.

End transmission.

Hey Crash32

Firstly welcome, and yes it feels very much like that when you stumble across Asperger's for the first time, also yes it's a common trait for us after hearing a negative comment to go a little off-course, if not leading to meltdown or getting worked-up then often knee-jerk reactions that see you 'cutting off your nose to spite your face'...like freaking-out and breaking-up with someone

Sorry to hear about your abuse as a child - I'm a survivor of childhood abuse too, my mother was emotionally/mentally and severely physically abusive, father was emotionally/mentally abusive and I was sexually abused by a neighbour. For years my social problems were put down to social anxiety caused by a possessive father who refused to let me speak to other people, and an overly protective mother.

As a child I may have been described as an autistic child (I've not had an official diagnosis, only seeking this now as an adult), amongst other things like you I had no friends, and I barely made it through a lesson without crying (meltdown). In my teens I still had various issues but as stated above this was put down to an effect of abuse from my childhood and I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. As an adult social anxiety disorder didn't cut it any more, I've made HUGE leaps forward in my social abilities, but there remains some things that just don't improve, I also have certain traits that are not down to social anxiety disorder.

In terms of the "obsessive" focus thing - 'special interests' and being 'hyper-focused'.
You don't have to be interested in the same thing your whole life for it to count as being a 'special interest', some obsessions can last decades but some may only last weeks, my own special interests tend to span years however if I realise there are people better than me who I'd never be able to equal this is what sees my special interests wane. Obsessive may also include being hyper-focused, for example as I type this I need a drink, to eat, to get on with housework, to put on some lip balm and to use the bathroom (sorry for the TMI), but I'm focused on writing this (writing this will take a long time as I'll edit and re-edit) and I will likely continue onto another thread before getting a drink, etc. - being hyper-focused, not being able to fully comprehend that you need to stop obsessing over something or doing something. You may well be 'obsessive' in one of these ways and not fully realise.

I've noticed the more I learn about AS and the more I talk to others the more I realise a lot of my behaviour IS that of a person with asperger's, maybe my behaviour isn't as obvious as you may expect but it is there in some form or another - for example stimming; I thought to be autistic you had to have stimming behaviour such as rocking back and forth or flapping your hands, I now realise that my finger tapping and straightening my clothing in the way I do is stimming. Chances are if you have asperger's you will see more and more traits in your behaviour, not because you're changing your behaviour or looking for something that isn't there, but because you're becoming more aware of what asperger's is so can spot the not so glaringly obvious traits.

From what I understand it seems that having a diagnosis is a bad thing in the US.
I think it may effect your insurance, also it certainly wouldn't have you find employment because employers don't like disabled people (whether you consider yourself 'disabled' is up to you and dependent on how AS effects your life on a day-to-day basis, but for the purpose of this I'm referring to AS as a disability). In college it may be useful to get support in some areas, diagnosis can give you some legal standing if you get fired from a job for reasons relating to your social or communication problems.

As for the move - I'm of the opinion that if you feel this way it may not be the best idea to move - obviously it's up to you and depends on your situation, but if you don't mind my saying it doesn't sound like your partner is 100% sure on things, particularly if she says that she could not commit on that level to someone as low-achieving as yourself. In my experience if it feels that bad now it will feel worse when you've gotten yourself trapped in a relationship that may not work and in a new place - moving in with someone or moving somewhere new is a lot of stress on anyone, with a person who has asperger's or a person who's not 100% content/settled with themselves/their life it's going to be far worse. Just be careful that you make the right choice x

If you want to know if you have AS or not or to see if you don't have it and it's just caused by the child abuse, go for it.

If you need any accommodations in school and if you struggled in school with learning or school work, go for it.

Thanks, both of you. I should clarify my statement from before-about my girlfriend's saying she didn't know if she could commit to me because of my low economic status. That was what I "heard' in a fog of upset/rage...she explained later that she just wanted to be sure that we were on the same page, as to what we wanted in life. Makes sense, really-me making minimum wage and all.
:)

Hello, I see there is another semi-newbie on here.

I'm only 15, but I have experienced a lot in my life.
(warning, this is kinda my life story)

Ever since I was born, my mother said that my father was never the same. He refused to take care of me, he treated my mother horribly, and I never got any respect from him. I don't know why he was like this to me, but I think he may have Aspergers himself. My mother said he was determined to name me (I am so glad he didn't, he wanted to name me Brittany).

Later on, we had moved from house to house, trying to find cheaper ones because we were on the verge of foreclosure, and my father wasn't holding a job. He would also abuse me, spank me for no reason, slap me, call me names like ret*d because I couldn't figure out a math problem in one second (but I pretty much can now). And all along, he said it was because I was different. He said I shouldn't be treated normally because he thought I would do bad things unless he scared me.

And boy, he scared me to death.

My mother ventually left him, and I visit him every other weekend. He's remarried now. What I don't get is how he treats my step-siblings like they're his own children, and me as some awkward room mate.

I hope he regrets what he did, because I'm getting more and more sucessful as I go to school. I don't know what his problem is, but I think he needs to get over it.

When he found out I had Aspergers, he dismissed it as having a bad attitude.

That was such BS.

So anyways, I guess this is my diversional way of saying I sort of know how you feel. I'm in a better situation now, and my father leaves me alone (maybe because I'm only two inches shorter than him). For those of you who read, thanks.

hey, I feel you on that one. New parents can be so infantile, and we're like the walking, not-really-talking reminders of all the horrible abusive stuff their insecurity caused them to do to us when we were little. So they cycle continues, the dog gets kicked for being afraid of getting kicked. One day we look in the mirror and realize that they are gone-we are in control now. That's some scary stuff, too-because life is hard enough. The world is cruel enough without being kicked out into it and at a disadvantage.

And I get so sick of people telling me how "high-functioning" I am. They don't see me when I'm alone, pacing my apartment for hours, talking myself through leaving...curled up in a ball and skipping class rather than face the day. I learned how to fake it in this cold, cold world...just enough to get by. People don't understand why I haven't lived up to my supposed potential yet. Getting through a day, sometimes, is success enough for me.

So yeah, I wonder if a diagnosis of Asperger's would just be a convenient catch-all term/explanation for my not having successfully overcome being an abused child of two tortured, artistic, and socially immature genius parents. It would certainly explain a lot about me, anyway. I can understand why someone, myself included, would seek this out. But i only want the truth. I don't want it if it isn't really me. i wonder if they can scan my brain just to be sure...? It would be nice to know this was beyond me.

You can't just get your brain scanned, then it would be that autism is like a physical trait of interest, like a... tumor? Tumors can be taken out, not autism (you're pretty much screwed if you have it, but its not the end of the world).

Check with a professional. I thought I had Asperger's and was diagnosed with BPD and SPD. They were right.