Why do people just not get what aspergers is?

Post Reply New Topic

I have tried a few times to explain what having mild aspergers is to this lady I know. She is very nice, and well meaning, but she doesn't get it so I finally gave up.

I told her how in school I had trouble making friend because of my AS, and she says things like "well everybody feels awkward at that stage. I think people don't realize that everybody feels awkward, and not just themselves".

That may be true but there are clear difference between normal awkward stages of growing up, and dealing with AS. I had no friends, other kids did. I couldnt develop normal relationships with women, other boys/men my age did.

Why does she just not understand this? Why do people in general just not understand, even after you explain it to them? I really hate it when she says stuff like "everyone went through what you did"...NO THEY DIDNT, YOU IDIOT!

Why do people like her minimize what AS is?

I think most typical people have a hard time grasping what Aspergers is because they see it as a mental illness, and they see mental illness as a binary -- you're either sick or you're not. Since most of us who are high-functioning don't seem all THAT different to them, they have trouble slotting us into that "mentally ill" slot. In a weird kind of way, it's a compliment but it's not very helpful in establishing the mutual understand that we crave.

They probably don't know that much about AS and they probably don't understand that the social skills that seem simple to them take a lot more time and effort for Aspies to learn. Also, people tend to pick on those who are different and most NTs don't understand that they really can't help it if they have quirks. Non-NTs can learn to adapt somewhat, but they can't completely eliminate the quirks that are a part of who they are. Some people just don't get it. Did you show this lady this website? It might help her understand what it's like to be somene with AS by reading through the forums on here.

I think NTs see our problems as normal because they don't fully understand. Of course they are right but they don't see how much different it is. Like an NT may say they don't like change either but I bet it's all semantic because what do they mean by they don't like change? Do they get anxiety and meltdown? Do they get literally sick to their stomachs or panic? Do they get cranky about it? I doubt it.

Honestly I sometimes see things as normal what aspies do like I just read something in John Robinson's book Different and he explained a ritual about on the way to school or work or whatever and it seemed normal to me. Even though the person may be ten minutes late, I just thought, leave earlier. It's an impairment because society says it is but you know what, my mom has an impairment then since she has to read before going to sleep and it can disturb other people if she is in the hotel room because of the light. So it's an impairment she has there so therefore an aspie trait she has. After all doctors say it has to cause an impairment and it does with my mother alright so it's an AS trait she has. So I sit here and wonder yeah why do they make things impairments if it's not really a big deal? How is it any different when NTs do the same and it also causes impairments because of people around them or themselves? And my mom really does have to read her book before going to sleep or her night is ruined. But yet if that happens to me, on no it's the Asperger's that is causing it. How fair is that? So I view myself as normal.

Let's see, my husband has bad feet but yet society would say it's an impairment because he is in pain but yet he can still work full time. He has found the right medicine for his feet so he can do more now at home after work and society would still call that an impairment even though it's not. That's how Asperger's feels to me.

If someone is deaf but yet they can still communicate through their ipads, it's still an impairment because they can't talk even though they can communicate with anyone now because people can just communicate to them on their ipad no matter how normal their life is and even if they can't watch TV without caption and have to read the words and miss the picture on the screen but yet they may not even care and are happy without TV and video games they can't even hear. But yet that would still be called an impairment.

There are tons of stuff out there normal people do I can call an impairment.

This kind of thinking has given me high self esteem and feel normal and like everyone else.

I dont think we get what it is to be nt or bipolar or schizophrenic etc either. Understanding will only come from years of experience But you can still be respectfull towards it. What i have heard from aspies is that we tend to be more respectfull towards differences because we are continually confronted with difference in our life. So when we hear someone say he has a different .... we take it for what it is without thinking up reasons of our own behind it and try to normalize or discredit it. If someone says he feels something then that is it. Its ridiculous to not take a persons words over your own when it comes to his inner workings. Telling him how he is feeling because you think you are socially intuitive like that is just stupid.

Most people are so stuck in their intuition/thoughts/emotions that they dont even question themselves, most of the time we are wrong and 90% of people dont even get this. Its good to not question society and yourself because this ensures consumerism, dont think just buy.

{off topic}

It took me a long time to figure out that i should not trust most peoples decision making about their own competency. It also took me a long time to realize that most people are not honest and more importantly not honest with themselves. This resulted many times in me judging myself not to be competent or worthy enough of something compared to others who verbalized how worthy or competent they where. So in my teens i would step down and let others take credit/responsibility only to see how they screwed it up far worse then i could have.

Telling someone "I have trouble making friends" tells them one thing Asperger's does, but it doesn't really say much about what it is and I've noticed that it is pretty much guaranteed to get responses like "try harder" or "everybody has trouble with that". Maybe we need to quit trying to make it so simple when we explain it. Asperger's is not having trouble making friends, it is a neurological condition that among other things, effects communication.

A well meaning "You'll grow out of it" can't compete with "a neurologically based deficit in interpersonal communicative capacity". Someone that really cares will hear that and dig deeper. Someone that doesn't, will blink, look a little bewildered and move on to the next topic.

I think they (nt's) have a problem and it is that they have a "to" good developed empatic capabilty.
what I mean is they project their emotional and reference windon onto everybody including a asperger,
they simply are not capelbel to imagening enything that has not there prespective or feelings/emotions
I hear them some time's talk to plants if these have emotions and knowlage of what this NT has done in the past.
This is so embeded in there system, so they have the space freed up for social interaction.

so if you try to explain yourself or what asperger is they can not shut of this system so if you do not display
retardyness (this is somthing they also dont understand but have learned to deal with) they will always impose
their own personal identidy onto you. So your problems are nowhere near as big as theirs, because they do not
listen to what you say but they hear what they think you say.

And I was thinking that we are te ones with a empatic disorder, but in time I started to think that our empathic
cappabilyties are not low functioning, but theirs is out of their own control.

I alway's try to explain my self as much as possible but it often seems useless, until recently
I came across a organisation that say that they coach aspergers with their problems, and
when I talked to these people they surprised me, they asked me not to try to explain my self all the time
for they already know what kind of problems I got.

And it seems they realy have learned how to interact with a asperger, but it dosn't come naturely to them
like we have to try to keep up with tem the have to try (maybe even harder) to keep up with us.

So I tend to be more gentle in my judgement with people for they have a problem with not to use their empatics on
anything.

Im not surprised that a lot of people struggle to get their brain round AS. When I was first told I may have it, I felt overwhelmed by the subject. The triad of impairments isn't for the squeamish. People generally have quite a short attention span...they mostly wouldn''t have the faith to stick around till they understood it, they'd duck out after the first hurdle and go find somebody with a less nerdy agenda. It's kind of presumptuous even to say "I have Asperger's Syndrome" - it begs the question "what's that?" and then you've got them trapped as your Aspie brain makes its futile efforts to get them up to speed. I can't really blame them for not wanting to know. What's in it for them except a string of awkward adjustments and a lowering of their expectations of you?

You might be lucky and find somebody who is interested enough in you to listen.

@ nibor

I think you are on to something here, many people are just so used to their way of thinking that they cant stop using it in situations where it is harmful. Imo people get way too much credit for their empathy on this forum. Honestly if people had such amazing empathy and social skills would society be where it is at today ?.

When you do the same thing millions of times you will not notice when it changes because you are running on auto pilot.
Fact is that people will only change their mindset and way of thinking when the discomfort resulting from their mistakes cant be ignored. Right now people have a really easy time just getting away with things.

They will never really understand they have never had to go through what we have to deal with everyday. Just like how we see a NT walk into a crowd with confidence and be able to strike up a conversation with a group of people they never met before as we then scratch our head in amazement trying to figure out they did it. Both groups experience things differently each with different forms of brain function.

I always tell people Aspergers is an extreme loneliness couple with an extreme dislike of being around people. At least that is how it feels for me.

For a long time, I thought I couldn't have a problem because, as I've always been told, everyone has trouble making friends. I really believed this. Over time, however, I began to look around and realize that no, not everyone is consistently left behind in social situations. Not everyone seems completely incapable of making and maintaining normal friendships. But when I try to explain this to people, they just think I'm shy and not trying hard enough. It's frustrating, but it's something that I've just learned to deal with. There are days when I've wished that my problems were a little bit more transparent than they are, but that is not how it has turned out. It could be worse, as far as I'm concerned.