I could use some advice (if you don't mind)

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Ok, I'm dealing with a pretty common issue I think, but I would like some advice from anyone who has had to overcome it. I am a social ignoramus, I have no idea how to start a conversation or keep one going even if I somehow get one started or someone else starts one. I also have a good deal of anxiety coupled with this issue as well, so that doesn't help. In my head I don't feel like I need to talk to people, but I want to because I need to work up my social skills to level where I can finally get a girlfriend or just some friends in general, it's always good to have friends you know. But yeah, could anyone offer any advice on how to get over this issue?

The anxiety is actually most of the problem, at least subjectively. If you're socially clumsy but you don't have anxiety, it's easier to learn because you're not as afraid to fail.

Kind of ironic, right? Failure is one of the keys to successful learning. More specifically, when you try things, you find out what does and doesn't work. Learning is very much an experimental process.

Anyhow, it's easier to practice on people you don't have a lot of investment in. Like, for example, grocery-store cashiers or random acquaintances you won't see again; distant relatives, classmates for the elective you're taking that's not in your major; the person running the coffee shop; the mailman.

'Course you can fail at talking to these people too, but if you mess up, they'll just be some random person that you embarrassed yourself in front of, rather than a good friend; and you'll just be some random odd person that they met one day and will soon forget about.

People expect you to talk to them...at least to some degree. They expect neutral comments, for example, about the weather, about something in the immediate environment, about novel moments that you happened to experience with them. Most of these comments don't turn into full fledged conversations. They are just short exchanges, but it's a good place to start.

Conversations are generally composed of three components.

1. An ice breaker: This can be an explicit introduction, a question, or a neutral comment. Questions shouldn't be too personal at this point. Try to make them as neutral as possible.

2. Sharing information about yourself, your experiences and perspectives.

3. Requesting information of the other person and listening to their experiences and perspectives.

Each party should contribute fairly equally to the conversation. After you make a comment or talk about something for a short period of time, give the other person a chance to speak.

If the person is being very terse and not only answering questions, chances are, they aren't interested in the conversation.

Do you have any close friends or family members you can practice with? Even if it's just one person who can watch you, give you feedback, and help you with what to work on. A social coach, more or less. I know I used them in high school.

One thing that helped me was recognizing I had a problem, and then observing those who didn't. I watched the way they interacted, took mental notes, and remembered (sometimes word for word) what and how they said what they did. I then did what they did. It worked. True, I played the BS NT social game, but I got to know a lot of people, and made a lot of friends.

One thing that helps me keep conversations going is to use some of skills I learned from my high school journalism class. We were taught and practiced interviewing techniques which I still find pretty useful to this day. Here are a few things I tend to do in a conversation:

1. Do Some Homework: If you know that the person you are talking to is interested in a particular topic it doesn't hurt to research that topic a little bit. I know I get particularly stuck in conversations if I don't really know anything about the subject.

2. Think of Questions Before: If I know I am going to be talking with someone I make a mental list of things I could ask/say and some follow up questions for those topics. It makes things easier for me if I already thought about what things I could/say ask before a conversation so I don't have to sit there thinking about what to say next as much.

3. Have a Goal: This is what I do when I am completely stuck in a conversation, I try to come up with an objective to reach. It doesn't even have to be something particularly interesting/important, for example I might make it my goal to figure out what kind of car a person drives... I really don't care all that much but at least it gives me a direction to go.

I wouldn't say any of these things will completely solve your problems but they might help you. It seems to me that most 'natural' conversation is somewhat aimless and random, which can create anxiety for me because I won't know what to say. Having objectives,etc makes me feel a little more 'in control' of the conversation--I feel like I know where the conversation is going and I have already thought of things to say before.

Good advice! I used to be very anxious talking to store clerks, etc until I started thinking about them as a practice conversation more than a real conversation. If your anxious about conversations it will be uncomfortable to do this at first, but to get better at conversations (or anything really) you do have to step out of your comfort zone a little... just take it slow.

Watch and listen to other people who are starting conversations. That's what I do, and then use what I have learnt. Also, I was told once that most people like to talk about themselves. So see what questions others ask and commit them to memory for later use. And learn a 'get out' phrase for when you've run out of steam so you can disengage politely.

Well, just use your looks. You look pretty gosh darn good in that portrait of yours. Girls will be all over you before you can say "Jack Robinson". Also, ask a familiy member or a close friend to introduce you to social situations. Kinda like your guide. I wasn't lucky enough to be guided within a social situation but hey, I am still alive and kicking FYI. Also work on your self confidence. That's gona be prolly the hardest part. I am pretty sure it is possible to take classes to improve self confidence. Don't worry about friends, NTs are a bunch of dumbasses. You just need to find those who are a bit less traitorous and abusive and hook up with them. Some people would say I am overextending in my views about NTs. Sure alot of them wana help but still alot of them will not say nice things about you and will try to screw you over. You need to develop good sense of personality judging or you will end up with the wrong friends.

callista this is perfect advice