Judging peoples intentions. ?

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Just curious as my social circle is pretty much non existent. How do you find judging others whom you're not sure if they care about you or not. I have one friend who paid me back and literally only that one person. Another friend who seems to only take and I feel like doesn't want to know me unless I have something to offer . I like to help everyone but I don't think people care about me the same as I do for them.. kinda. :-/ thoughts? Sorry for rushed post if it makes little sense. Just trying to get to other side of town and not familiar with new route. Thanks. Dani.

i have problems judging people's intentinos and when i trust pepole i oftne thrust them to much and end up getting hurt. THat'd been said i'm kinda jealous that you actually have real life friends You just gotta find the friends that will stand by you and hold on to those people if they are gonna backstap you the first change they get your better off without them. [/color]

Many people use people for their own purposes. But many do not.

You should avoid people who use you for your money.

It's nothing to be jealous of. In some ways I rather be alone with nobody. But I'm sure they all backstab me but unsure if I want or need friends that much to put up with it. Fitting in with people is hard . I've known some people a long time but it seems that's irrelevant to how they treat me.

How are things in banana bender territory?
I'm from Sydney, btw.

When I was a kid I used to buy "friends" also. Not the best way to gain true friends, though.

I wouldn't call your second "friend" a friend, if the person only takes.

Regarding friendships:
Usually, it is a mutual give and take situation. If it is one-sided, I'd be putting my energies into someone else.

I'm always very cautious of people I meet, particularly ones that I may want call a friend. I spend a while observing them: how they treat others, how they talk about people when they're not present, etc. Even after I start regarding them as a friend I remain cautious.

Yeah I often think I unintentionally buy Friends but seems it's the only way I can have any. All my so called genuine friends seem to block me on FB and crap so even If I wanna do the right thing.. I can't. And this makes it harder to understand them .. the ones that don't block me seem to have some BS agenda. So that leads me to my Next question. I have a friend who I'm considering moving in with.. but I'm super clean And he isn't, though I'm willing to consider a move in.. not sure if i Am doing it cause I want a friend or if it's cause I don't wanna see him mess his life upAnymore because I care about him.

Judging peoples intentions is something that is learned through experience. Socializing more will make it easier. You'll eventually notice patterns of behavior that indicate their true intentions. If you suffer from stress or emotional problems, treating them can be very helpful since they can make it more difficult to miss things you would have noticed if you weren't stressed.

So, you have no idea why you are being blocked on FB? Can you see them in real life and ask them why?



What sort of BS agenda?



It sounds like you are a good friend to him.
And there is the financial benefit also, in living together.

[quote\] Yeah I often think I unintentionally buy Friends but seems it's the only way I can have any. All my so called genuine friends seem to block me on FB and crap so even If I wanna do the right thing.. I can't. And this makes it harder to understand them .. the ones that don't block me seem to have some BS agenda. So that leads me to my Next question. I have a friend who I'm considering moving in with.. but I'm super clean And he isn't, though I'm willing to consider a move in.. not sure if i Am doing it cause I want a friend or if it's cause I don't wanna see him mess his life upAnymore because I care about him.[/quote]

Oh, boy. Living with a messy person even if they really are your friend can be hard--sometimes it can completely kill the relationship.

It is absolutely not your job to fix your friend's life. Unless you're like a life coach or counselor, it probably won't work and will only make YOUR life harder. Your efforts, no matter how well-meaning, might make him pissed at you--he might feel like you're meddling--and his problems could easily become yours by proxy, draining you emotionally and physically. It can be hard to get out of a relationship like that, even if you really want or need to. If this guy has financial problems, I can practically guarantee he will take far more than he will give.

You seem to have a generous, kind heart. That's a great attribute in a friend! I'm glad that you're thinking carefully about how to gauge other people. It's inpossible for anyone, ND or NT, to read others 100%, so it's best to be at least a little cautious.

Oh, boy. Living with a messy person even if they really are your friend can be hard--sometimes it can completely kill the relationship.

It is absolutely not your job to fix your friend's life. Unless you're like a life coach or counselor, it probably won't work and will only make YOUR life harder. Your efforts, no matter how well-meaning, might make him pissed at you--he might feel like you're meddling--and his problems could easily become yours by proxy, draining you emotionally and physically. It can be hard to get out of a relationship like that, even if you really want or need to. If this guy has financial problems, I can practically guarantee he will take far more than he will give.

You seem to have a generous, kind heart. That's a great attribute in a friend! I'm glad that you're thinking carefully about how to gauge other people. It's inpossible for anyone, ND or NT, to read others 100%, so it's best to be at least a little cautious.[/quote]

Thanks for the advice. I think I only want to see the good in people. Trying to be social and maintain friends is very very tiring. I'm drinking stupid amount of alcohol again and have almost died a few times from either drinking too much or not drinking after a couple days I blackout even if I'm not drunk .. but doing anything outside my apartment is impossible cause I can't avoid seeing others and feel like if I don't acknowledge them I'm seen as an anti social a-hole. But I don't know. My washing amenities is downstairs and that's impossible like shopping without being over run with stimulation and having to seem interested and use all my energy and end of the day I've run out before the afternoon . So this kinda feelings and thoughts go through my head and I'm still contemplating living with a friend.

Hi Dani.

Please stop drinking now. Right now the kind of drinking you are describing is far more damaging than your autism.

None of the people you describe sound like real friends to me. If you can afford it, do not share your living space.

It is so easy for others to take advantage of us.

I, for one, would rather be alone than be with people, unless they are truly deep and long time friends. It took me about 50 years to learn that.

(((Dani)))

By the time I had reached my current age, I had also learned there are two types of behaviors that signal other people's ill intent: (a) mean, aggressive, predatory behavior, and (b) complimentary, indulgent, flirtatious behavior.

It goes without saying why people displaying the former behavior are to be avoided, but the second -- especially in women you've just met (if you're a man) -- signals "scented bait" for an eventual trap.  The nicest people may actually be the meanest, most psychopathic manipulators you will ever meet.  Sooner or later, a person who has been overly nice to you from the very start will begin to ask for favors; small, insignificant ones at first, but eventually leading up to a very significant favor, like an unsecured loan of money, an alibi, or a recommendation to a better job.

Then their intentions become clear.

Failure to comply usually means some form of retribution -- a few bad words to your friends, your co-workers, your boss ... or your wife.  Then comes a promise of even worse things to happen if you don't do exactly what they say.

The last such incident that happened to me was over 30 years ago ... about the same time I lost my job, my marriage, my home ... multiple back-tracking attempts led me to the same person each time -- someone who literally slept her way to the top.  I seem to be the only one who turned her down and called her bluff.  She's retired now, and enjoying "the good life" somewhere back east.  I hope she gets cancer.

Lesson Learned: Beware of attractive strangers bearing gifts.

Yeah, I used to think the key to happiness was telling people what I thought they wanted to hear and forgetting what I wanted for myself, instead of trying to understand that people won't always come to agree on differences I would seem to gravitate to people I love and trusted and in the end I would somehow be alright with not engaging in an argument so long as someone other than me was happy. I hate conflict, mainly because I don't have the solutions to justify why I felt the way I did then realising much later that if someone was happy I would be OK to sacrifice my own sense of things and not question it because I relied on others so much.. probably cause I was co-dependant and thats why every relationship fails.. this even became a never ending juggling match between even my kids. I wasn't able to distribute my care evenly between them and would retire an argument or disagreement because the most important things / people in my life wouldn't go without.. I'm habitually wired to make sure others are happy even if it cost my own happiness and wait for love or acceptance of my difference in opinion to come back around. Except now I can't seem to feel like I fit in anywhere unless I'm involved in whatever they are doing.. even if it's against my own self care or respect. My Mom often tells me (of late) to care about #1 which turns out this stupid saying means I have to care about myself otherwise nobody will. How the hell is one supposed to care about themselves if no one else does? this seems very contradictory to living just being myself vs being accepted by others.. far out hope that makes sense.

You're right, I know drinking isn't helpful.. except it masks well my stupid appearance to others.. I think even the one or two people I'd contemplate thinking they were actual genuine friends is hindered by my presence or actions have a negative impact on them cause I only really care about the people I do based on the way others in their circle view them. If they're accepted socially or whatever - why have my burden in their life when I only want to be myself, funnily enough I actually for the first time in my life enjoy learning about myself and who I am, my own values and stuff. Except I feel like this isn't an option if I don't make a conscious effort to do what they do, drugs or other crap. So i'm caught between trying to fit in vs my own goals. I've no other people I know like myself that have the same interests or hobbies (without feeling like they've some agenda) so I don't engage in much.. What I'd give just to be liked as I am.. they say dreams are free - prime example.

I find it really hard to judge people's intentions--lifetime hazard of being autistic. I can only observe and see how they treat others. I still get it wrong. Some of the worst bullies I have come across also seem to be some of the nicest people. And when you want friends, it is so much harder.

I have been extremely lucky to have found a wonderful lifetime partner. It is purely good luck. But one thing I learnt is if you find one good person, that can lead you to more. The same can be said of the bad ones, so learning to avoid them is good.