In a horrible predicament, need help!! !

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Okay, so recently, I have been looking into and studying up on Aspergers and what it is really all about. I was diagnosed as a child but never really looked into it. Anyhow, my recent findings had given me the impression that I likely didn't have Aspergers, as I didn't appear to fit much of the criteria whatsoever. So, I approached my mother about it and told her that I really don't think that I have the disorder, and this is where things started to go awry. My mother suddenly began assuring me that I do indeed have the disorder and that it is not something one can outgrow. The more I insisted that I figured it may have been a misdiagnosis from the beginning, the more she would insist that I was wrong. My mother over the years had told most, if not all, of her friends that I had the disorder and would even go so far as to act somewhat patronizing (though without realizing it) whenever something wouldn't work out for me, because the assumption was that my self esteem had always been extremely low and that I needed extra encouragement. My mother would go onto the internet and point out some symptoms of the disorder to me, insisting that I simply didn't notice them in myself. She would proceed to point out the following signs:

1.) My heavy interest in sports (because Aspie's are known to be preoccupied with one or a few interests)

2.) She assumed that I was one to take everything literally which isn't the case at all. I will concede that I rarely laugh along when someone is joking around with me, but that is more or less because I rarely find the same humor in it that they likely do. She was quick to jump on me when I got noticably irked by this constant assumption, as she pointed to this irritability as another symptom.

3.) That I closed myself off in my room whenever my younger brother would bring his friends over. Now, I will give a little backstory on this one: Before I went off to university, I had a group of friends that I hung out with that I no longer call friends. The reason for this is because I was always the odd man out whenever there was a big event that they went to or took part in. When friend A went to university, myself and the others would always talk about making the four hour trip to his place on the weekends to hang out with him. The others would head down there seemingly every weekend and leave me behind, always giving me lame excuses as to why I was left behind, and then they would promise constantly that they would take me along the next time. When friend A dropped out, I moved away to attend the same university. Not once did any of my "friends" even think about making that same trip to visit me, in fact, I would never even hear from them. Therefore, I decided that I could no longer call these people friends and decided that I was better off without them. My years at university would see me making loads of great friends that I still keep contact with today. However, once I moved back home after graduation, I had to deal with the fact that my old "friends" who I wanted to leave behind as mere memories, were suddenly best friends with my younger brother. So, whenever my brother has a group of friends over, one of these former friends is always present and I just do not feel like seeing them again. My mother and father though, feeling sorry for me for being shut in, insist that I should head outside and join them whenever they have a campfire out back. It's almost as if they want me to take them back because it would boost my self esteem a little.

Now, the point of this thread is that I am now fully convinced that my parents have brought on any signs of this disorder that may have existed over the years. I do not feel worthless until I hear them talk with other relatives or friends about my apparent low self esteem, and they are always trying to counter this by telling me about all the great minds over the course of history that had the disorder, as if it will make me feel better. I am convinced that this disorder may have been the result of a self fulfilled prophecy, as once I realize how others apparently see me, I begin to feel discouraged and actually start to believe that I have a problem. My parents are always speaking for me despite the fact that I am now an adult and to make matters worse, they are coupling this with assumptions that hold no ground. For instance, I was recently in a meeting with an army recruiter and my mother who was standing in the doorway listening in on the conversation, spoke up and said, "I don't see my son out on the battlefields, I see him enjoying working behind a desk alot more." This assumption had come from the fact that she didn't see me as being able to take criticism during training as she beleives I take everything literally. This kind of thing frustrated me to no end, and it really eats away at my confidence. And to those who are wondering, I have indeed talked to my parents about this but it hasn't amounted to much. I'm not sure what advice I am hoping to recieve, but I guess I should probably ask what I can do to counter these negative thoughts that are being brought on by others. How can I overcome all these assumptions and be taken seriously as a normal human being, because no matter what I do, I can't seem to escape any of it.

If you were hoping to make a case against your having Aspergers,
pointing out how your sense of humor differs significantly from your peers',
and you were often-excluded from your social circle until you entered the environment of academia isn't very effective.

That being said, it can be absolutely maddening to have people make assumptions about you,
based on misinterpretations of the motivations and feelings behind your actions, things you once-did and now don't, and flat-out fantasy on the part of others about you.

Unfortunately, just as you don't know what questions to ask, I'm not sure of what specific advice would be helpful.
I've found in my own life that adopting a mindset wherein I don't feel the need to prove anything to anyone is extremely liberating.
For instance, if you're a grown adult, why is your mother in an army-recruit meeting with you at all?
That to me is representative of the issue more than her butting in-
quite irritating in itself, but she had no business being there "hovering" in the doorway in the first place *unless* there exists a relationship wherein you actually need her,
so it's understandable she acted that way.

I would start buttressing my protests against my being stereotyped with actions-
a polite "Thank you for your input, Mom. Let's talk when I am through discussing my options with Sargeant Such and Such", accompanied by shutting the door would be sufficient.

Last edited by ValentineWiggin on 01 Jul 2011, 10:32 pm, edited 2 times in total.

I think I understand your issue. It sounds like you have been labelled with AS as a youngster and that this has shaped your development. There is a debate on whether or not it is a good thing to be diagnosed early in life. I was never diagnosed early in life and so I had to live a normal life and do the things others do without thinking I have a problem. I believe this has made me do things I would never have done if I had been diagnosed younger.

You seem to be in the opposite position. You were diagnosed early, but you want to break out of that label and live a normal life. Your mother sounds very dominating and I presume this doesn't help you. You must feel like you are being molded by others and that is unfair.

The upside is this. You have information and understanding of what Aspergers is, so you can try to live your life normally but are able to gauge yourself and see if any of the traits turn up in certain situations. I never had that so my inability to fit in was always a mystery to me and caused a great deal of stress. But on the other hand, I can't imagine what my life would have been like if I had been diagnosed early. I reckon it would have been very different.

My advice would be. Try to tell your mother to back off and let you live and learn just like anybody else. Tell her that Aspergers is not a serious syndrome and so you can live like others if you wish to. Also try to live your life the way YOU want to and not the way others want you to. But as you go, keep an eye on yourself and see if any of these traits begine to cause problems with your ability to fit in.

I hope you can persuade your mother to allow you this. Because everyone needs to live their life as they see fit and I can see from your post that you have intelligence and are able to make your own decisions.

Regards

^ I'm sorry to be so blunt, but

"I feel my Aspergers diagnosis is incorrect, and my mother won't listen to me when I try to talk to her about it"

is not best-addressed with

"You're lucky you were diagnosed early as opposed to later, and you should talk to your mom".

No.

lack of early diagnosis can lead to unnecessary problems like being yelled at a lot and not being given any consideration for sensory sensitivities, so it's a mixed bag. if people weren't such a**holes it wouldn't matter though, would it.

Well, since you are an adult I heartily recommend that you stop spending so much time with your parents. Move out on your own or with a roommate if you think you can handle life alone as an adult.

The majority of parents see their grown children through something like funhouse-mirror spectacles, a totally distorted view they created. Some are just trying to be helpful, like yours, but it's still not a good environment for you to evolve and grow into your own personhood.

All of your time and energy is being spent arguing and disagreeing (even if just in your mind) with the distorted views of your parents, so you have little left to use to forge your way forward in life. I don't think you will grow very much in the negative environment you're still in.

I have no car of my own as of yet, so she was my only real option for a drive to the facility at the time. However, she was supposed to stay in the car while I went about my business, the real issue is that she often feels she needs to be there even though I handled things like this on my own in the past when I lived alone. My childhood had consisted of my parents making decisions based on what they figured was in my best interests, but in actuality, these factors would only serve to hold me back. I'm not sure if this had anything to do with my AS, but it seemed that she was always far more lenient with my brother. For instance, when I was 8, I wasn't allowed out of the yard, so my friends would always have to make the trips up to my place on their bikes if we were to hang out at all. On the other hand, by the time my brother was 8 years old, he was allowed to take his bike out into the woods with all of his friends and do things that I was never allowed to do. On a similar note, when we moved for the first time, I had to start over and make new friends which is tough for any child. Anyhow, I was invited to a sleepover at another kid's house the first week at my new school, but my parents were too worried to let me go and I ended up missing it, which caused the kid to become offended and our friendship never took off. My brother on the other hand was allowed to attend many sleepovers by the time he got to be that age and some of those children are still friends of his to this day. It just seems as if they wanted to experiment with me and my brother got the benefit of not having my parents make the same mistakes with him. It just seems as if I was always the one who was looked out for and I have already proven that I am capable of functioning on my own. Like Robdemanc said, it's like my life has been shaped by my label and my parents had made their decisions for me through childhood with the disorder in mind. If anything is for certain, it's that I need to get out on my own agian and escape this environment.

So move out. Go to college. Join the military. Move to Hollywood for an acting job. Move to Alaska and become a fisherman. Move to the middle of nowhere and sell apple pies and "alien jerky" by the side of the highway. The point is, move out of the house and a few hundred miles from your family.

It's probably also (partly) because you were the first child. The first one parents don't know what they are doing, and with the second one they are generally more relaxed. My parents used to say that I "paved the way" for my brother and sister, just by virtue of being the first.

My mother is also domineering and I just try to stay away from her as much as possible. Maybe it would help you to do the same.

She'll continue to act on that feeling until you firmly establish boundaries such as in the example I used.

Agreed. Though as a 23 year old total dependent myself, I know this is easier said than done.

NickSoapdish, could you do the AQ test and post your score.
Whether you have AS or not you mother should not use it as a way of putting you down and keeping you there.

I recieved a 10, though the test didn't indicate what that signifies. I was borderline for quite a few of them though.

This is the one out of 50 with the first question "1 I prefer to do things with others rather than on my own. "?

If so you have the lowest score I have ever seen for either on or off the spectrum. I think its impossible for you to have Aspergers. It would be a six-sigma event if you really did have Aspergers.

Interesting. I suppose it should be a load off my mind but it really isn't. I was tested as a child and it was shown that it was present; could certain circumstances that were prevalent at the time have contributed to me testing this way? If so, does this kind of thing happen often?

My information only comes from this forum. What I have seen is false positive diagnosis occurs in children. Adults have to kick the door down to get a diagnosis.

Does incorrect diagnosis happen often? We have a term for it: "The laundry list." Do you remember what the test you did was? What were the position, qualifications and experience of the person who diagnosed you were.

Maybe you should consider legal action.