Getting oversimplified comments that "you're not listen

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As an Aspie who was diagnosed 10 years ago, and previously diagnosed with ADHD, I am still appalled at how people (NTs) will oversimplify any communication mishaps with them as "not listening" or even when I tell them that I didn't detect the nuance in their statement, they say "Well, I think you just need to listen closer to what the person is REALLY telling you" - I got into a semantic argument with one person over this, she insisted that I don't listen to her, and my reply was:

Me: "I DO listen to you, but I don't always extract the intended meaning. When I'm absorbing what you say, I'm giving you my full attention, I'm not distracted or thinking about something else. Therefore, I am listening."
Her: [insert frustrated laughter] "Well, I don't really think so, because if you were listening, you would be able to tell my meaning. I just think sometimes you need to stop over-analyzing what people say and focus on their overall meaning."
Me: "Well, I disagree. Listening is a voluntary activity, and because I choose to listen, but I'm not inferring the intended message, it could just be the way I'm filtering it which is NOT voluntary. Think of a person from a foreign country who could be listening to you, but certain aspects of communication are filtered differently by them."
Her: "But you're not from a foreign country. Sometimes it seems that you are [read: another planet], but you're not."

Unfortunately, I see this judgmental analysis from NTs as being part of their tendency to oversimplify issues that an Aspie would analyze more in-depth - NTs by and large like to accept certain norms as arbitrary and don't question them or probe them further. This is the same issue that perpetuates misdiagnosis of Aspies as ADHD, and even after my diagnosis I have had people spreading rumours about me that I must have ADHD. I even told one guy in his 50s about my AS and his response was "well, these days, they're diagnosing all the young folks with ADHD or whatever the most fashionable label is, and I think some people just have some things to work on more than others." Totally flippant!!

Yes, I totally agree. Even my mom sometimes doesn't realize that I am listening to her.

I had to laugh when you said that, because its a running joke between me and my mom that I'm from another planet (even before we suspected ASD). The next time she says something like that I think it would be great to tell her in a totally deadpan, serious voice "Well, I am from the wrongplanet and can't discern the overall meaning of your conversation. It would be helpful if you could be more specific and tell me what is the overall meaning of you are saying?" I think she would be taken aback, but it might work.

Actually they're sort of right, you're not listening to everything they are saying. Only something like 30% of communication is the words, the rest is the body language, but people generally aren't aware of this. You are listening to every word they say but because you're an aspie, it's unlikely you're listening to all of the remaining 70% of what they are saying.

Or, they are like my daughter who constantly complains about me not listening to her. I don't agree with what she is saying, which to her means I'm not listening. I'm for ever having to remind her that not agreeing is not the same as not listening.

I find that NT people use A LOT of words when they're trying to explain something or express themselves. A lot of what they are saying is disregarded or replaced with something else, even though you are still adding it to the equation.

Like this. Imagine they are painting a picture you can't see. You can see them using red, blue, paint brushes, fingers, etc, but you can't see the picture. So you watch every move and hear every word and in the end, the picture you imagine is not what they made because you didn't see the parts they wiped off, painted over, etc.

For us, we know what we want to draw, and do it right the first time. But they need to see it, move it, mold it, and change it as it's going to get it how they want it to look. So in the end, you're seeing different pictures.

It helps to have them restate what they mean in the end because by then they usually know what they're trying to say.

Yes, I notice this a lot. I will tend to mentally iterate over the possible meanings that I find, and while I do often identify what they probably intended to say, the conflict with what they actually said bothers me and I can't feel confident about what they said so I have to ask for them to clarify it.

I also notice the reverse - I ask a very simple question, and the NT infers all these other meanings that I never alluded to nor intended and doesn't address the actual question:

Me> "What do you want me to do with 'x'?"
NT> "I wish you had told me about 'x' earlier, it's too late for me to do anything about it now"
Me> "Ok, sorry, so, what do you want me to do with 'x'?"
NT> "I told you it's too late for me to do anything!"
Me> "What. Do you want. Me to do. About 'x'??"
NT> "Umm...ok, just put it over there"
Me> (relieved) "Thank you"

It's so true. I am NT and had no idea that people on the autism spectrum didn't intuitively decipher body language until I came to this board. I had read some books to better understand my daughter but misunderstood and thought that the "not getting body language" was a reference to not paying attention to it because of hyper-focus elsewhere. Getting an NT to understand that most communication is body language and people on the autism spectrum literally don't decipher those cues is like getting a fish to understand that it's swimming in water. When something surrounds you every day, you aren't even aware of how much you depend on it. The only fish who really "get" water are the ones who were hauled out and then thrown back in. They have a basis for comparison (which they probably forget 5 seconds later because they have fish brains, but I think the analogy sort of works).

One day my daughter asked "what does "mad" mean? So I launched into a talk about feelings.

After that was done, she said "but where are your eyebrows?".

"On your face" I said, baffled by the sudden subject change.

"No! Are they up or down??"

Then I got it and realized she meant "where are your eyebrows positioned when you are mad?" So I said "down".

She repeated over and over "mad means 'eyebrows down'". I suddenly realized with some horror that all the times I had lowered my eyebrows to convey that I was displeased with something had meant nothing to her and when I got even more displeased because she didn't react to the lowered brows it was like getting mad at a deaf kid for ignoring when you shouted "stop that" at them. Now I always use precise words and also have coached her on the differenbt "words" of body language. She now goes to a school for autistic kids and they use pictures of stylized faces to teach this. They've sent many home and it helps. She has to learn by rote memory things that NT kids were wired to know pretty much at birth. I had no idea and didn't really get it until pretty recently. Luckily she has a powerful rote memory, more powerful than mine thank goodness.

So back to you. This woman-and everybody else not familiar with this concept- is like a fish in water who doesn't realize that there is another place without water. She gets that there are a multitude of spoken languages but does not get that there are also at least two non-verbal languages. She thinks there is only one and that everybody uses it. So how to explain? I recommend using the spoken language analogy. Explain to her that if you didn't know English, you wouldn't understand her spoken words. You could eventually learn them by rote but would always miss some idioms and nuances. NTs (and I am one) think that body language is literally universal to all humans regardless and that there is only one and all humans are born with the capacity to understand it. Spelling out that this is not true is the only way to build a communication bridge between AS and NT. Otherwise you wind up in the situation you did, somewhat like two people shouting at each other across a river bank because there is no bridge between them.

To communicate effectively with you, she'll need to put into precise words everything she thought she was conveying with body language. She won't know this unless you tell her.

That is so me.