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I am undiagnosed aspergers but diagnosed with schizoaffective during my first hospitalization a few years back. This may explain the tension of seeing my doctors. Ever since the diagnosis, I never really thought of myself as having a neurological problem but a mental illness. I think the diagnosis is mainly attributed to answering one question whether I saw any hallucinations during my stay at the hospital. Really, they asked a lot of questions that I had no choice but to answer yes to get something going or I be stuck there forever. Unfortunately, that led to this weird diagnosis that never really described my problem and has led to many series of miscommunication among my supporters, family, friends, and even myself.

I am now trying to seek a correct diagnosis of Aspergers because with each minute I find myself researching and reading books of authors with Aspergers that I can relate to. I am now convinced I have Aspergers but right now I do not have much support. It is discouraging to let my loved ones to know that I have a neurological problem than a mental illness because we've been exploring the mental illness realm for quite some time now. It really hurts to start all over again.

After reading some books for people with Aspergers, though, I am inspired how much I can relate to them, not people with Schizoaffective. I am really good at the piano, finding it my sanctuary. I am good at math, science, computers, and computer games. I like to talk about the subject at hand whether it is from plants to astronomy--whatever scientific that makes sense works for me. But I have a lot of difficulty relating to the so called neurotypicals who can easily socialize and pick up the cues of others. I am often discouraged when I try to freely talk about anything. I find it extremely difficult. For example, my Facebook friends like to post weird things like what they're doing, pictures of food, and other weird things I do not find that interesting. But they get a lot of feedback and get some sort of interest and dialogue going. Whenever I post something I find interesting like a random joke or something that uses verbal or technical knowledge, I get scolded and ignored leaving me hanging and feeling guilty. I feel like an alien for the most part.

This leads to a certain question that I'd like to address to the Aspergers' community here at WrongPlanet: have you ever felt so guilty and upset that you just basically ignored people and felt that you had to hide and "fake it"? In other words, have you ever tried to fit in with the neurotypicals that you felt bad doing so? I felt that many times, but I cannot shake it off. Meaning, I've had difficulty just being myself and that I have to fit in. That's why I'm seeking a diagnosis so I can finally put this issue to rest. I hope all of you feel the same way as I am and can relate. This would make me feel more part of the Aspergers' community instead of being mainly schizoaffective.

Thanks.

That's how I feel. I"m always on edge in social situations and feel guilty for being me, especially if there is a conflict. I think I did something wrong and beat myself up. I am never relaxed enough to be myself, because if I am, I usually get rejected. I'm also looking for a more formal diagnosis than my therapist saying, "You might have a mild case of it."

Asperger's used to be classified as a schizoaffective childhood disorder.

I don't even try to fake it anymore, I simply don't interract hardly at all with anyone, it is that bad.
After so many years of being rejected, chastised, criticised etc, for my way of speaking and being, I now actually find myself unable to talk much at all, not even about my interests. It is quite sad really. Even when I try, I cannot bring myself out of myself, so to speak as so many times, it has been shoved away by other people...do you have to speak so loud ? Stop mumbling! Can't you laugh more quietly! you are selfish! I don't want to hear about .... anymore! Stop going on about ...! It is sickening the way another human can trample you down, just because you interract differently to them.

when i was a little kid in elementary school, various school shrinks noted that i was either schizotypal or schizoid.

the person i talk to in the mirror every day is always nice to me. i've gotten to spend lots more time with him since i dropped out of the rat race several years back.