Rigidity

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As we learn more and more about parenting a child on the spectrum, my husband and I are realizing with ever-deepening understanding, that his issues are ours, that they come from us. Recently, we've been stymied by rigidity. For my son, this means some simple things we can work on in small bits: not being able to play board games, melting down if he doesn't get to choose a certain color, etc.

However, my husband is struggling with this, too. He wants things to be predictable, to be a certain way, especially at home. He struggles with having a son on the spectrum, not because he has any issues with disability - but because our son's behavior isn't predictable. This also spills into other things: work, life, etc. He responds to things he can't control with depression, which worries me.

While I have my own issues with rigidity (I HATE when I make plans and they go awry) I am somewhat more flexible than the two men of the house - but I have no clue as to how to help them. I'm not finding much out there on how to deal with rigidity; there was one article on reframing (changing what you think about something) that I found useful for myself, but I don't know works for my husband, and another article on approaching a situation where a child is rigid as though the change is a trauma - so, de-sensitizing them gradually.

Neither of these approaches seem to be valid for an adult head-of-household, at least for mine. Does anyone have any insight as to how my husband can increase his resiliency (not asking for a sea-change, just enough so he isn't overwhelmed by things we don't have control over.)

Perhaps, a way of giving your husband control over an otherwise uncontrollable situation is to give him choices ad let him choose whih one he thinks would work best. E.g. "there is a problem that needs solving, it seems like if we do x then y would happen, but if we do nothing, z could occur. What do you (hubby) think is a good approach?" It's about very clearly communicating the what, why, and how and then letting him make a choice. Then he'll feel less frustrated and more capable of dealing with stuff. A good therapist can help you with improving communication and problem solving, too.

P.S. this works with kids, too. This is how my mom got me to be less rigid and more adaptable.

I'm also a very rigid thinker. I thrive on predictability.

We do try this with my son (it rarely works) but the problem is that my husband's the one in charge in these situations. He needs help internalizing the mechanism of finding more choices: you're right, that's the major problem, he can only see one choice and one outcome.

I am no rigid thinker. As for the colour example, I'd just ask upfront and calmly, does it matter?

This is a tough one. First, I admire your calm, common-sense approach to this. If your husband thought more like you, you might not have this problem!

But my first question is ... does your husband acknowledge that he needs to change? Does he recognize and agree with the things you've talked about in your post?

If so, then that's a huge plus. I would be optimistic that together you guys will find a way to work this out.

But if not, then that's your first task, I would think. It's very difficult for anyone to change if they don't even realize change is needed. Or worse, if they realize the situation but refuse to even try to change.

The best of luck to you

The best part is that he does recognize this, and we've been talking about it; he is a terrific husband and father and is working very hard. He had gone so far as to get counseling, but unfortunately at the time we didn't know about the autism - and using NT methods for a person on the spectrum got us nowhere.

He isn't so much into getting out there and finding answers, (I suppose another symptom) which is why I'm doing the posting, but has been reading information that I relay to him, and taking it in.

Thank you.

CockneyRebel, how do you manage when things don't go your way, in a best-case scenario?

Ditto.

Then, Makayla, I ask you the same question: how do you manage when things don't go your way, in a best-case scenario?

When I begin to worry when something suddenly changes that I have no control over I think of the many possible futures I would have in a parallel world. Like I have to think about every possible event that might happen.
I'm struggling to find an example.

OK, say I wanted to make a meal but didn't have enough ingredients. I need a fall back plan to get me out of that mess if it was to occur. It's kind of like planning for many different future events.
I need to remember this. I usually get so overloaded that I forget that I even have this method to think about.

pensieve, that's a good one - and it's nerdy and sci-fi enough that DH might just try it! Thank you!

There are two ways I read this, so let me ask a few questions to clear it up for me:
Is it your son or your husband who you are finding too rigid - or both? And now that I've asked, could it apply to both?

I see the phrase "my son's behaviour isn't predictable" -
And by unpredictable do you mean:
"on tuesdays we go to the park; sometimes my son simply refuses to go despite all our efforts - an unpredictable delay and frustration (for all 3)"
or more like
"when my husband sits down after dinner to watch the news, my son could be racing around playing airplane or sitting quietly at the table being picasso with his leftovers - we just never know"

Solving tuesdays at the park:
Give your son prompts throughout the day to remind him that after lunch, at 3pm today (teach him to understand the analog clock, maybe buy him a watch) the whole family is going to the park. (or leaving for granmas, or whatever). This gives him warning of the event, and time to mentally prepare himself - he won't feel like a rag being pulled around on the wind. It may also be helpful to tell him how long you will be there; when you will be home (in a meaningful way like: we'll be home before suppertime - events have more meaning than clocks). We like to know when we'll be home and familiar/safe again.

This is why some kids run around saying "three sleeps until christmas!" they like to have information about events - it feels good to know. Some more so than others.

Solving disruptive behaviour at key times:
Again, use clock or event framing to teach what rules you wish to impose - but be sure to discuss them OUTSIDE of the actual disruption: "Every night, including tonight, when daddy goes into the den after supper, he needs quiet time. You can go in if he invites you, but utherwise, any noisy playing has to be done in different rooms. Quiet playing is okay." And now he'll either listen and follow, OR you'll have already set the rules for him. So if there is a breach, he won't fight you on them - you're just reinforcing the rules already made.
** Be sure to include dad in the rulemaking session, so that your son knows dad heard the rules too.

Hope it was the right question I answered.
If not, maybe you got inspired by a part of it anyway

LOL, OddFiction, I suppose both are true. I think the thing that really upsets my husband is that, no matter what we do (and we have visual schedules, etc.) our son still struggles and lashes out. He does not like transitioning no matter what we do. I recognize this is a learning process for all of us. (Another issue is getting our son to tell us or figuring out what bothers him, as we are still piecing it together.)

That being said, things have vastly improved over the last year - lashing out is now screaming and occasionally cursing rather than physically harming or trying to harm us. Unfortunately, my husband has difficulty changing the way he reacts to my son's improvement in behavior. I'm (painfully) aware that it's just plain difficult to manage your own feeling when someone screams at you, no matter what.

Some of my husband's issue has more to do with his outside impressions of children and how they should be, and not with what's actually occurring. For instance, I can see that when my son reminds him of himself as a child (you can imagine what kind of childhood he had socially) he tends to overreact. Or, when my son displays "bratty" behavior (when viewed through the lens of an NT child,) it is really upsetting to him. He is really struggling to reset his frame of reference.

Sounds like progress is in the works.
Frame of reference for bratty behaviour: Might not realize it's bratty.
Solution: When confronting bratty, don't confront accuse or deny the behaviour. Get on his level and ask for reasons behind the behaviour - start a calm discussion about it, eventually explain that there's a time and place - and this ain't the time or place (use the line that works, and keep it handy).

Frame of reference for lashing out: Did you just impose a rule (think in broad strokes) on his already existing behaviour? Did you alter his environment or personal plans just a little too quickly? (are you waking him up where he fell asleep on the couch and telling him to go to bed. Did you then take his hand (normal) and try and pull him up? - RAGE!)

In recalling most of my "fits" they came because someone was not giving me time to adapt my thinking or actions to their time frame. OR because someone changed the rules while we were already playing.

Example: Mom took me into a toy store without warning me that we couldn't buy WHATEVER I wanted, and when she says no to the toy gun, I think she's just being difficult for no reason - I don't know that she thinks guns are a dangerous theme - but when i say "i want it", the correct response is to crouch down and say "it represents a dangerous item and dangerous place, and for that reason, we have to find a different toy."

Emphasis on the "we will get a toy" -

sometimes a no feels like an undeserved attack, even when it isnt meant as one.

and always always always a rule change is an attack. it always says "you were doing wrong / being bad and im dissapointed in you" even if it wasn't meant that way.