Autism and Aggression

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My son is very aggressive, and I was wondering if aggression is a manifestation of autism? or is it something unrelated. It's not sensory overload aggressive like behavior, it's "you pissed me off and you deserve to get hit, kicked (whatever)" kind of aggression. It doesn't even have to be a big thing, at least to me anyway. For example, he wanted to play a game in the pool that included dunking. He tends to push kids under water and I don't want to play that because it's dangerous and he scares kids, and he could hurt someone because he tends to get carried away. He kept talking over me when I was telling him I wanted to play something else, and when I totally refused and said we need to play something else he kicked me in the stomach with both feet. He felt totally justified in doing this, and I was wondering if that was a social skill difficulty that comes with autism or if it's something else altogether.

Aggression is one of those things that can be found in autism but is not technically a part of autism. I mean, there can be some aggressive people with autism and some aggressive people without autism. There can also be nonagressive people who are both autistic and not autistic. There are some cases were people with autism become aggressive when they are overstimulated and/or in the midst of a meltdown. This aggression can be toward another person, toward themselves, or towards an object, etc. I really don't know if the type of aggression you have explained is related to autism though--perhaps someone else will have more to offer. Is he corrected for doing these things? If not, maybe that is why it keeps occurring. If so, maybe he has something like Oppositional Defiance Disorder. Or maybe it is related to autism and I just haven't heard of it before...

Yes, he does get corrected. He has gotten punished by losing privlidges, I have done token economies and incentives that reward for handling things without resorting to hitting, I have him in social skills therapy to give him tools to use to deal with other people effectively and appropriately but nothing seems to work. His first line of defense is aggression. I thought of ODD, and that this may be a co morbid, but he's not defiant really. I know a child with ODD and he's not like that, it's different. He feels justified when he does this. It's like he was wronged and that person deserves it. I really believe he knows what to do, it's doing that instead of hitting is the issue. He is not intimidated either which scares the crap out of me. He attacked 2 teenagers today in a group of 6 for taking his ball. Although I feel they did deserve the reaction because they were picking on 2 little kids, he tried to choke one kid and punched another in the face trying to get the ball back. The kid he was playing with didn't want to play with him anymore. He's 9. One of the kids he hit was 13. He doesn't discriminate. He wouldn't hesitate to hit his teacher either. He has done that too, just because he lost what he thought was a race (that wasn't) he jumped a kid and when the teacher pulled him off he scratched and head butted him. I really wish I understood what is going on and what to do. I feel like I'm beating my head against a wall.

Maybe part of poor social skills? Like, he doesn't know how else to resolve problems, so he gets physical. Or he doesn't understand how it feels for others when he does this.

It might also be a self-control issue - does he seem to be impulsive in other ways? Can he stop himself from being aggressive if given the right incentives?

Another thought, though this is unlikely, is that he might be bipolar. He'd need to have a lot of other characteristics for that condition, though.

One thing you could do is sign him up for lessons in a fighting art, like boxing or karate. "What, make him a BETTER fighter when he fights too much already?" Well, hear me out. He sounds like someone who does not have a lot of self control, physically or emotionally. He may be a nice person overall, but he just doesn't know when too hard is too hard or a little peeved is raging mad. Our gauges are fuzzy, especially with sudden bouts of anger. Studying a physical fighting art will help him be more self aware, physically, in that he'll understand how hard 'hard' is and how soft 'soft' is and all the levels in between. In the process, he'll also learn how to keep his cool in a fight, rather than simply rush in fists flying. That coolness can, and usually does, translate into realizing you don't have to fight at all. A man confident enough in his own fighting prowess never has a problem finding a peaceful solution, because he has nothing to prove to anyone.

I think it may be all of these to a degree. Sometimes I talk to him about the incident and ask him to go to an adult when he is in over his head but he says that adults don't believe him so he feels that this won't help. His social skills therapist talks about how to deal with things too but he doesn't tap into that at the time. I did get most of the hitting under control when he had to go 20 days without hitting anyone in order to get his first DS. He says he can't control himself, and he is impulsive, but it only took 22 days out of 20 to earn his DS so how true is that really if he can do that? Can a really strong incentive overcome lack of control? The amount of hitting is better than it was before the DS, but now he's getting more aggressive in that he isn't just slapping someone anymore, he's kicking and punching. I have thought of bi polar because I have a few bi polar people in my family, and his older brother was diagnosed with bi polar 2 disorder at 22 years of age, but I don't know enough about how that manifests in a 9 year old.

I've also thought of martial arts, but the last thing I want him to do is have license to hit, and if he learns to fight well I'm afraid he will really hurt someone.

I've also thought about pursuing medication, but I don't want to do that unless I have completely exhausted all other means of dealing with this issue. I'm not anti medication, but I don't want to medicate if I don't have to.

He does have trouble with what is hard and soft, but honestly I don't think he cares, which is why I fear martial arts. It's that feeling of justification. How do I turn that around to get him to understand that not wanting to play a particular game is no justification for kicking your parent in the stomach.

This reminds me of myself when I was little. I use to push my friends, classmates and their little brothers and sisters when I was at their houses. I was extremely frustrated and aggressive and always hurt people! I've even made a couple of my friends siblings bleed and they were only a year old! I remember dunking my friend's little sister under water a few times and my friend kept telling me to stop doing that to her sister but I wouldn't listen to her! I can tell you several stories but I'll be here all night! But I was a very aggressive and frustrated child too! I'm glad I'm not like that anymore!! I'd never hurt anyone now!

this sounds a little like who i keep repressed under a layer of inactivity.
i also have many agressive tendencies starting when i'm only a littie peeved. my first reaction to something that doesn't work is usually: "well, lets relieve it from its suffering then...";
also, with my nephews, i do also play rough, playfightig and the like.

however; i have learned to control myself, partly due to willpower and partly due to, indeed, martial arts.
in my case, i went to a judo club; they dont teach you the typical 'flashy moves', it is focussed on just wrestling your opponent to the ground. and keeping him there, without actually inflicting pain. yet you do learn discipline, when not to fight and how to control your anger and strength.

Thank you! Maybe I can give martial arts a try. It's not the first time I've thought about it, I've been so afraid to do it because of this very thing. It is also encouraging that he can grow out of it. I just hope that he doesn't get really hurt in the process.

Unfortunately I couldn't afford to go to martial arts classes but yes I have heard brilliant things about martial arts and helping aggression. Just be sure to find a class who's sensei (teacher) knows about autism because then they will be able to help your child better. Martial arts schools are very strict about violence and do not condone it (I know it sounds ironic!). If they find out that your child has been using the moves on you or friends for example (not in a playful way though) then he might be banned from the class. This helps you gain self-control because you don't want to get thrown out of the class.

I too have been aggressive in the past, but it does get better as you get older. I think it is important to address it at a young age though because my teen years were just terrible.

i remember the first time i really got beat in a fight. losing a fight can teach a good lesson to a kid. i was more careful about when i picked fights after that experience.

Another thought - take the class with him. You'll get better at fighting while he does, so if his aggression doesn't reduce you'll be able to handle it. (In fact, if your son is clumsy, he'll probably learn it much slower than most people. And martial arts can also make people less clumsy - I don't walk into walls as much since I started karate.)

Your post sounded like you were talking about my son who also has aggression issues. I am unclear whether it is because of witnessing his fathers behaviour (Father recently diagnosed with Aspergers) or if these are meltdowns about not getting his own way. There has been improvement though since I started treating him like he does have ASD (eg: I have sat and explained why he cannot hit and how it makes others feel etc etc) He certainly knows his fathers behaviour is not right. Have you tried talking to your son about his actions?

You said your son feels justified in his reasons for hitting out. This reminds me of the attitutude of my husband. My husband knows that physical abuse is wrong but always says "anyone else would do the same thing if they had to go through what I did" My husband has a justification for EVERYTHING. Very slowly he is starting to realise that his thought patterns differ from others and I have noticed some changes since his diagnosis.

My son also has other symptoms which tend to muddy the waters. I am taking him to a psychologist who specialises in autism spectrum disorders, behavioural management, ADHD to get an expert opinion. It took 10 years to get my husband diagnosed and i am getting in early with my son to ensure early intervention.

I feel your frustration.

Autistic kids can be aggressive, but I don't think they're aggressive at higher rates than NT kids. But NT kids are aggressive at pretty high rates, so it's not like it's going to be uncommon.

What I think you'll see more with autism is that we won't really know how to be aggressive in a "socially appropriate" manner. In physical fights, we'll bite, kick, and go for the balls. In social conflicts, we'll say what we know will hurt most rather than going for the socially-approved insults. For example, a sixth-grader may be allowed to say something like, "You stink like poo!" but not, "Your daddy's a drunk and he doesn't love you!" In some circles, it is not appropriate to pick on another child based on disability or race; in others, it's allowed. And the autistic child will have more difficulty figuring out where the limits are.

There are always limits on fights--culturally agreed upon boundaries that depend somewhat on your social status. The higher your status, the more you can get away with. A very popular child may be able to get away with pulling an unpopular child's pants down, and everyone will think it's funny. If the unpopular child does it to the popular one, he's likely to be shunned as a pervert. And the autistic child may not even know just how unpopular he is. I know I didn't.

So you'll be seen as "aggressive" for kicking another child in the stomach, but not for pulling a child's hair and calling them stupid. The first is out of bounds, the second isn't. (Most places. Depending on age and culture and environment.) Only problem is, the autistic kid doesn't know where the boundaries are. A naturally aggressive autistic will thus be seen as more aggressive than an equally aggressive NT...

I also think autistics tend to be under more stress, which can trigger aggressive behavior.