25 and confused...

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You get tons of these topics I'm sure. But I wanted to see what the "experts" thought

I'm 25, just turned 25. I'm a female, single. I'm actually on SSI for severe depression, anxiety. That's the short background I thought you'd want to know.

I really freak out with noises. Like if I'm watching tv and my mom asks my dad a question, it screws with my head. It's so overwhelming I can't stand it. Even if the tv is off or muted but my mom was on the phone and my dad and brother were having a conversation, it would be the same. It's too much!! If i'm in the car listening to music and someone starts talking it's the same thing. It's like my brain is gonna explode. I get very upset and tell people to be quiet. It often lead to arguments/fights. A couple months ago I googled about over stimulation because it was just really bad that night and one thing led to another...I saw it was a symptom of Austim which I knew I didn't have but then there is Aspergers. I've looked up some stuff and obviously it resonated with me or I wouldn't be here.

It's just really hard to imagine that I went 25 years without someone else thinking I had aspergers. I've been to lots of doctors and therapists for the depression and anxiety as you can imagine. Granted none of them were experts with Autism or anything. I don't remember a lot before the age of 10. There was some abuse: verbal/emotional, physical, sexual but all that was actually after age 10. I think i was a happy child. I don't remember having many friends. But I wasn't obsessed with like building things. It was more pretend play with like dolls. I loved video games though. Actually I'm still obsessed with video games. I do remember playing quite a bit with my younger cousin. I got in trouble several times in school. I threw my fair share of temper tantrums but I don't remember if it was more or less than the average child. From the pictures I've seen though I seemed to be a happy baby at the very least.

So how do I know if the way I am now is just the way I am or if it's the way I was born? I don't know if that makes sense. But the things that made me wonder about aspergers are:
I don't make very good eye contact. Just a few seconds and then look away.
I fidget a lot. Constantly moving my hands especially.
I don't do what I imagine the typical rocking motion looks like however I do have a subtle rocking motion I do but never thought anything of it till now.
I have a set routine with nearly everything. Down to the time I leave for my appointment.
I get upset over stupid things like my parents not getting my diet coke for me which I drink all the time. Hardly ever water.
I get extremely stressed out and its the main reason I can't work/hold a job.
I took this quiz about "aspie" and "nt' traits and my score was:
Your Aspie score: 141 of 200
Your neurotypical (non-autistic) score: 72 of 200
You are very likely an Aspie

To be honest I have no idea if I am interpreting social cues right. I assume I am but I am mostly by myself and much of my interaction with people is online and with my therapist once a week. I see my parents every day but I don't talk much to them.
Also I don't lack empathy. I am a very sympathetic person. I am a pretty creative person as well. I have multiple interests though I do obsess over them. Especially music. I can listen to the same song over and over and over......... Or I will find a new interest and obsess over it for like a month or two and then lose interest. I don't think I'm that intelligent, or not above average intelligence anyways though according to an iq test I am. I'm not book smart, I just research a lot of things. So the things I research I know. I am extremely obsessive with researching things. Even if it's just looking up the definition of a word to make sure if fits the sentence I want to use it in.

It's all so confusing. I normally write much better than this, I apologize. I like the name of this site because I do feel like I'm living on another planet. My therapist asked me something like that before. About feeling different than everyone else. It's true. I do. I feel quite alone and like no one really understands me.

Any thoughts/insights would be appreciated. I've thought about trying to find a doctor who specializes in autism/aspergers I just don't think my parents would be supportive. Also I don't really want to do that if I'm way off base. Like Maybe I'm just weird or something....

Thanks

EDIT: Oh and apart from not talking very much, my speech is normal. I don't speak in a monotone or anything. I just don't like talking I guess. Sometimes I have to force myself to speak even. I much prefer writing/typing.

It sounds to me like something is going on. And some of the things you listed are pretty stereotypical meaning that not everybody with AS/Autism has those "symptoms." For example I am diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome and I hate building things and I don't lack empathy or sympathy. So just because you don't share all the characteristics of Autism doesn't mean you don't have it. But you do list many that I have, so I say it's worth getting checked out.

Last edited by Tamsin on 17 Jul 2011, 6:48 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's worth an evaluation, sure. Sometimes knowing about an underlying neurological difference like an autism spectrum disorder can really help you deal with your psychological issues. For example, you say you are very overwhelmed by noise. Well, someone who wasn't overwhelmed by noise wouldn't have noise as a major stressor, and since those major stressors are seriously important when it comes to treating depression and anxiety disorders, obviously you've got to know what they are.

Quick thoughts--
--Have you tried using captions rather than turning the sound on when you watch TV? I find it a lot easier to read the captions.
--Do you have a room of your own? Being able to go there when you felt stressed out would help prevent some of the arguments. Use it as a safe home base.
--Lack of pretend play is supposedly an autistic trait, but I've seen so many autistics who played pretend games as children that I'm starting to doubt that it's that significant.
--IQ or general intelligence isn't really that relevant when it comes to doing an autism spectrum diagnosis. The presence of developmental delay rules out Asperger's, but that's about it. Classic autism and PDD-NOS can come along with any IQ score; Asperger's, 70 and up.
--Research sensory processing disorder. That's a common feature of autism and it may be a large part of your case.
--Regarding things like your parents not remembering to buy your Diet Coke, and similar things: Unexpected events can be really overwhelming and upsetting. The trick is to make them expected: That is, have a plan in mind for what you will do if your routine breaks. Use sort of an if-then pattern: "If my parents forget, I will remind them to put it on their shopping list and drink water instead." Or iced tea or whatever else you like. If there's a good chance something unpleasant will happen, don't just hope it won't happen--plan for what to do if it does. You're less likely to flip out that way.

That is good advice thanks. Even if I don't have aspergers it could be helpful.

I can't do captions when watching normal tv. They don't work. But it would work for dvd's. Or I could invest in headphones. I tried that once but the headphones were all static-y and that didn't really help. Maybe if I got a better pair though....

I do have my own room I just don't always go there before getting upset. It's hard to be in there when I always feel stressed out cause I'm stressed out a lot. And my room is rather small. My option is basically to go to sleep. Which is perhaps better than flipping out on people but I have a neck injury and too much time in bed causes pain.

This morning when I woke up my mom got my towel to wash and I was able to tell from her voice that something was wrong. I was right, she didnt' feel well. I do ask a lot "what's wrong" and she says nothing so maybe it's just being able to pick up changes in her voice? That's the biggest thing holding me back from getting an evaluation is I care a lot about people and can usually tell when something is wrong with my parents at the very least. And I want to help them if I can. And I talk "normal" whatever that means though when I'm depressed I think it's probably more monotone. That's hardly an indicator though cause people with depression have a flat affect anyways.

I just find it so hard to concentrate with so much going on around me. It takes me a moment to answer questions but sometimes if there is too much going on I get distracted and don't actually answer. My mom thinks I just don't pay attention or get distracted by my computer. Maybe she's right. But I think it's more than that. There's just always SO MUCH going on! I feel like I notice everything. And my mind is constantly thinking about random things too. But I'm very good at hiding the turmoil going on inside. I have a pretty expressionless look most of the time to the point my dad says "Smile Teresa, it's not that bad." But I can laugh and smile too. I just frequently have a blank expression too. But that could be normal? I don't know... I live in Alaska so I'm not sure if there are any specialists up here. Or if they'd be willing to evaluate someone who is 25 years old....


I appreciate the responses so far. They are very helpful.

I definitely don't think you are way off base; it sounds like you could be on the spectrum. It took me until I was 21/22 to realize that I most likely had Asperger's or some other type of PDD. The therapist that I am seeing now has been encouraging me to get officially evaluated by a psychologist. She thinks that a proper diagnosis would still be useful to me, even though I am now an adult, so it may still be worth looking into in your case. The psychologist that she has in mind for me has experience working with kids on the spectrum, but he says that he would gladly evaluate me, all he would have to do would be to borrow some reading materials and brush up on how Asperger's and autism present in adolescents and young adults. That, combined with information about what I was like as a child, would be sufficient for him to make a diagnosis. So as long as there is a psychologist in your area who has some experience with kids on the spectrum, you may have a chance of getting yourself evaluated.

Hello.

I can't tell you whether you are on the spectrum or not.

All I can say is that there are many of us who have been in the same situation - I was just diagnosed recently at age 38. The psych who delivered the news told me "it was obvious from the very beginning" (my assessment took place over a period of several months).

I wondered, if it was so obvious, why did no one every pick it up sooner?!

But people *did* pick it up sooner ... they just couldn't figure out what it was that was "odd" about me, because I covered up stuff that I didn't understand and tried to moderate behaviour that seemed unusual (at the expense of my mental health). So although folk knew there was something "odd/weird/quirky/unusual/different/bizarre/crazy" about me (these things were often said to me), they saw the image of someone who was generally getting on OK, in spite of depression & anxiety, and didn't look any further.

It was only when I was so exhausted from it all that I couldn't keep the mask on anymore that folk (including, myself, to be honest) realised there was something underlying that depression & anxiety.

I had first considered the possibility of autism in my early 20's but dismissed it. The possibility kept cropping up in my mind regularly after that - not helped by the fact that my work has me regularly working to help folk on the spectrum and I couldn't see why they needed help because they were "just like me" (though obviously everyone is different, there were so many things they described that I just thought were normal for everyone because they were normal for me) - but I *kept* dismissing it, because I thought "surely that gets picked up when you're a child, I'm just trying to find excuses". Don't dismiss it - if you can go for an assessment, please do. At least then you'll know what you're really dealing with rather than spend the next 15 years or so (like I did) getting even more tangled up.

So update... I talked to my mom. I bit the bullet and decided to sit down with her. I was so scared I could hardly talk and get sentences out.

It turns out that I was a perfectly normal, happy, active child and baby. I read some of the traits online to her and she said none of them described me. So how am I now, is not how I was as a young child. Which was a little disheartening because now I'm back to being alone in my weirdness/awkwardness. And it makes me sad cause I wanna know what happened between then and now to make me this way. Not now exactly since I've been this way for at least 10 years.

I know I was abused. But does that account for issues with noise? I don't know. I can't even say it might be sensory processing disorder or sensory integration disorder whatever they call it because even that is present from early childhood.

Maybe there is something that mimics aspergers but doesn't present until older? I don't know.

I do appreciate all the responses but I don't think it makes sense to get evaluated now. Because it can't be aspergers if it didn't start in early childhood.....

That isn't correct. Classic autism starts in early childhood\from birth, but Aspergers often doesn't present until later. Personally I went off the rails at about 9 - 10 years old, when everyone else grew up, but I stayed playing in my fantasy world, and my lack of social skills really became apparent. Prior to then, I was the painfully quiet and shy tomboy girl that played with toy cars and read books all the time.

Can't hurt to get evaluated - its likely you will feel less anxious once you have an answer either way.

I agree with kahlua.

My symptoms didn't really become severe or obvious until I was about 6 years old. Up until then, my parents probably would have described me as a happy, normal child. But if I look back carefully, all of the signs were there. I still had some of the same traits and tendencies that became so apparent and began causing problems for me when I got older; they just weren't obvious in a young child, because children are not expected to behave the same way as adults. Also, when I started going to school, it became very obvious that I was different from my peers. And when I say "became very obvious", what I mean is that it became obvious to me, because my parents still did not really see how troubled I was on the inside. In fact, I do not think they fully grasped how serious my problems were until I had a total breakdown last year and tried to drop out of college.

You know yourself better than anyone else does. If you cannot think of a significant traumatic childhood event that would have caused your personality to do a 180 degree turn, chances are this did not happen. Also, symptoms may develop over time, even in individuals on the spectrum. I remember quite clearly that my sound sensitivities did not start until I was about 7 or 8 years old. Nothing happened to me to cause these sensitivities to appear, I just remember that around that time I noticed that noises were really bothering me. These sensitivities have been with me ever since.

The only problem is, the get a diagnosis they interview the parents for behavior of a child. So if to my parents I was like every other child then it would be rather pointless.

And I can't tell from the few memories I do have of my childhood if what my mom saw is how I felt on the inside or how I interacted with kids when she wasn't around.

I know I got in trouble for talking during class. This would imply I was social I think.

My mom just basically flat out said "I'm telling you, you don't have aspergers." She is a nurse, so in a way I trust her opinion. But there's still a part of me that's like people with aspergers can LOOK normal but on the inside they are feeling everything different. I don't know. I have an appointment with my therapist tomorrow. He's technically a child and adolescent therapist but I went back to him cause I liked him. Maybe he's had experience with "aspie" kids. Almost afraid to bring it up though. :/

Oh and my father was verbally abusive when I was a child. Lots of yelling. I was also abused by someone else from about the age 10-15 verbal, physical, sexual. Not severe but enough that I have issues cause of that too.