Page 1 of 2 [ 25 posts ]  Go to page 1, 2  Next

Argentina
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

14 Jul 2011, 7:37 pm

My husband (aspie) thinks that myself and our kids complain all the time.
From our perspective, we feel that he never listen to us or our feelings on anything.
I am very hurt about a discussion that took place last night. Our 7 year old son is having trouble with bed-wetting and as my husband was coming to bed very late, I asked him to wake our son and take him to the toilet. This is something I have been doing for the last two weeks.
Husband's reaction was to sigh, swear and moan about it.
Afterwards I told him that I felt that i was not happy about this reaction. it made me feel like he did not want to help in getting our son's problem under control. i explained this in a calm manner and my husband's response was
"well, i don't think you are justified feeling that way"

I have again spoken to him this morning about how this makes me feel and how it is so wrong to minimise others feelings. Particularly those of the person you are supposed to be in a relationship with. My husband's response to this is to get up and make breakfast for the family.

I understand now why there have been so many problems in the past and why i have felt so lonely. i am not allowed to have feelings. and when i do express those feelings the only response i see from my husband is him ignoring it or getting annoyed. he admits he gets annoyed because he thinks he is being blamed for everything that goes wrong.



MakaylaTheAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2011
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 14,853
Location: O'er the land of the so-called free and the home of the self-proclaimed brave. (Oregon)

14 Jul 2011, 7:42 pm

YES!! !! !! THEY COMPLAIN ABOUT STUFF THAT DOESN'T MATTER, LIKE FINDING A MOLE SOMEWHERE!! !! !! !! 8O


_________________
When in doubt, ask someone with ASD. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know. :roll:


Bloodheart
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 17 Jan 2011
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 2,200
Location: Newcastle, England.

14 Jul 2011, 7:52 pm

No, I don't think that NT's complain a lot, at least no more than anyone else...and frankly no one complains as much as me :)

Maybe there is a lot for you to 'complain' about right now and he just has trouble understanding this - remember, we AS/ASD lot have trouble with empathy, if it's hard to put yourself in the other person/people's shoes, hard to understand how they feel, then maybe the 'complaining' will be hard to understand and it will seem like you're complaining over things he can't see issue with. That would be my theory at least, that is IF his being AS and you being NT is the issue at all, it sounds to me just like normal marital/parental strains to me.


_________________
Bloodheart

Good-looking girls break hearts, and goodhearted girls mend them.


syrella
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jan 2011
Age: 33
Gender: Female
Posts: 942
Location: SoCal

14 Jul 2011, 8:02 pm

I think the things that NT's complain about and the things that Aspies complain about tend to be a bit different, but I don't think the level/amount of complaining differs all that much.

On a side note, though, for the longest time I had trouble understand what it means to complain. I "got" when other people complained, but I never registered myself as doing that. When someone else pointed out to me that I was complaining, it took me a long time to really comprehend what I was doing and why it was considered "complaining". It also took me awhile to understand that other people are bothered by things that don't bother me.

Also, complaining isn't inherently bad. It's better to constantly complain about something and do something about it as opposed to pretending there isn't anything wrong (and then exploding about it later). Perhaps you could find some other way to explain your frustrations to your husband in a way that he understands. Or, if he is really not receptive to it, find someone else to complain to. Sometimes ranting about something does help.


_________________
I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.


MrXxx
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 11 May 2010
Age: 59
Gender: Male
Posts: 5,746
Location: New England

14 Jul 2011, 8:14 pm

In comparison to Aspies? 8O

Me, and all three of our kids are all Aspies. NT's have got nothing on us in that department. :lol:

Not even close! :P

Ask my wife!

Actually, I just did, and in her own words, "Yes, but no more than Aspies."

Personally, I think she's just being nice considering I'm the one who asked her, and I know for a fact (she's said as much before), I deserve a trophy from the complaint department.

There's a reason we have a sign in the kitchen. It say's "Complaint Department. Take a number."

The ticket dispenser is the pin to a hand grenade.

:lol: :lol: :lol: :lol: :lol:


_________________
I'm not likely to be around much longer. As before when I first signed up here years ago, I'm finding that after a long hiatus, and after only a few days back on here, I'm spending way too much time here again already. So I'm requesting my account be locked, banned or whatever. It's just time. Until then, well, I dunno...


Avengilante
Velociraptor
Velociraptor

User avatar

Joined: 20 May 2008
Age: 60
Gender: Male
Posts: 466

14 Jul 2011, 9:04 pm

I know they complain about ME a lot.


_________________
"Strange, inaccessible worlds exist at our very elbows"
- Howard Phillips Lovecraft


pensieve
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Nov 2008
Age: 34
Gender: Female
Posts: 8,326
Location: Sydney, Australia

14 Jul 2011, 9:26 pm

You acted too spontaneously, to him.

You need to tell him you want him to do something so he can prepare for it. We have our whole days planned out in our head and any deviation from this throws us completely off. It annoys me when people suddenly tell me to something. Don't take the swearing and muttering too personally. I mutter over some of the smallest things.
If he just came back from work he probably had nothing else in his mind but sleep. If someone disrupted my night time routine I would tell them 'I'm in bed' which would be the end of the discussion. It's hard to explain the mental and physical discomfort of doing something that wasn't pre-planned to do but it's bad enough to put us in a bad mood.

Do NT's complain? Yes, but about different things that I complain about. They complain about my symptoms that they don't understand properly.

Here's a few examples:

I can feel physical discomfort when when are just around me. Some people think I'm mad at them. Sometimes they only have to be in the same house, different rooms, to irritate me.

When I'm engaged in an activity and they ask me to do something or just want to talk with me I will be annoyed, sometimes even muttering a 'Jesus Christ.' To not do this is a real miracle and takes a lot of self control. I simply cannot stop the feelings that I'm feeling at the time.

There are other things NT don't understand like my sensory issues and them just telling me to 'toughen up' gives me a whole range of negative feelings towards them.

So, yeah, they complain about a lot about my autistic symptoms that they don't experience.

I think that is what is going on here. He is probably overwhelmed and doesn't know how to explain the situation to you. I find that people that tell me that I need to tolerate them should at first tolerate my differences first.


_________________
My band photography blog - http://lostthroughthelens.wordpress.com/
My personal blog - http://helptheywantmetosocialise.wordpress.com/


Ashuahhe
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 29 Jan 2011
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 724

14 Jul 2011, 10:16 pm

I agree! NT's do complain alot, one of my boyfriend's friends is absolute whiner. He is getting to that point where I can avoid him any time I can. I never knew a person would whine that much until I met him. He used to have a girlfriend and the relationship ended in 6 months. It was his first. Yet he tries to give my boyfriend some 'good' advice on relationships. Me and my boyfriend have been going out for almost 4 years, I don't need his advice haha



Argentina
Blue Jay
Blue Jay

User avatar

Joined: 28 Jan 2011
Gender: Female
Posts: 99

14 Jul 2011, 11:17 pm

The worst thing is him telling me my feelings are not justified. Regardless of whether I complain a lot or not, everyone should have a right to the way they feel. And when I calmly explain to him my feelings and get told they are not justified, it is very painful.



Jonsi
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 31 Dec 2010
Age: 27
Gender: Male
Posts: 4,219

14 Jul 2011, 11:19 pm

I think negative/lazy people complain a lot. It doesn't matter whether you're NT or AS.



TeaEarlGreyHot
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 4 Jul 2010
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 29,539
Location: California

14 Jul 2011, 11:24 pm

People complain a lot.


_________________
Still looking for that blue jean baby queen, prettiest girl I've ever seen.


SammichEater
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 6 Mar 2011
Age: 26
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,903

14 Jul 2011, 11:26 pm

Avengilante wrote:
I know they complain about ME a lot.


Very true, unfortunately.


_________________
Remember, all atrocities begin in a sensible place.


MakaylaTheAspie
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 21 Jun 2011
Age: 23
Gender: Female
Posts: 14,853
Location: O'er the land of the so-called free and the home of the self-proclaimed brave. (Oregon)

14 Jul 2011, 11:54 pm

SammichEater wrote:
Avengilante wrote:
I know they complain about ME a lot.


Very true, unfortunately.


I don't know a NT who hasn't complained in front of me less that 20 times.


_________________
When in doubt, ask someone with ASD. Chances are, they're obsessed with what you need to know. :roll:


Callista
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 3 Feb 2006
Age: 37
Gender: Female
Posts: 11,395
Location: Ohio, USA

15 Jul 2011, 12:20 am

I think they complain because they like to tell each other about the bad things that happen to them. It helps them feel better about those things. It might seem odd to someone who would rather deal with things by themselves, but if you remember that that's how they cope, it's not too annoying.


_________________
Reports from a Resident Alien:
http://chaoticidealism.livejournal.com

Autism Memorial:
http://autism-memorial.livejournal.com


nikki15
Sea Gull
Sea Gull

User avatar

Joined: 14 Jun 2009
Age: 36
Gender: Female
Posts: 220

15 Jul 2011, 2:04 am

Everyone complains. And it's fine as long as you eventually do something to fix your problem.

I only have issues with people who whine and whine and never do anything about it.