Utterly frustrated by inability to participate! Suggestions?

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So frustrated!! !

So, a group I am a member of is organising an event. We had a planning meeting today. Volunteers were needed for various roles. I was happy to do any role ... and would like to be involved in this way; I'm pretty good at organisation stuff and I enjoy it, and it's an opportunity to be involved and learn new stuff.

So the roles are read out and I try to get a sentence out of my mouth to say that I'd like to do something. Nothing happens. Aaaargh!

The meeting moves on, and later the roles are returned to ... There are still a couple of unclaimed roles... I haven't heard the rest of the meeting because I've been rehearsing the sentence for just this occasion. I manage to make a faltering start at the sentence, but someone speaks more loudly than me - and it's as if I haven't spoken at all.

No matter, there is one more role left ...I'll volunteer for that. Someone comes in late to the meeting, apologises for being late and asks loudly "how can I help?". Guess who get the role? Well, it definitely wasn't me.  

The meeting carries on, everyone discussing what they're going to be doing and I'm sitting there with conversations going on simultaneously on my left and my right. I can't make out either one. The sun is streaming in from the window. My eyes hurt. someone closes the curtains, now it's too dim and that makes me feel really uncomfortable - physically as well as mentally. I feel on the verge of meltdown; holding back the tears.

As soon as the meeting is over I bolt for the door because to stay in the room chatting is not an option for me - even though others are.

It's the same every fricken' time. I feel so utterly frustrated at my complete inability to get involved.

Once again I'll be told "you know, you really must volunteer more... get more involved" in a condescending, disapproving tone, when in reality that is actually what I want to be able to do more than anything. 

So frustrated.

At the bus stop crying and really really wanting to harm (but trying not to) thankful to have a long bus ride home by myself.

Anyone got a solution????! !!

I wrote:

I think what I really meant was:

Anyone got any suggestions on how to overcome this or be at peace with myself when it happens????! !!


Still feeling

Disclosure and email. I do all my communication (almost all of it) in email. People can work pretty well in that forum now..

I have disclosed to the person who chaired the meeting (though not the others present, yet ... ).

But she doesn't get what it means; and honestly probably doesn't want to. I would do email, but I can't exactly volunteer for things by email once they've already been volunteered for ... I've tried that before and it just seems to make things worse ....

I do almost all my communication by email also. Generally helps. But not in this case.

Feck. Utterly utterly pissed off. And crying (again). s**t.

Sorry.

Disclosure is sensitive - wish I could shout it from the rooftops. But I'm really not sure how it would affect my job so I need to be a little careful (and this I think is some kind of stupid insecurity of mine because *theoretically* in my job it would probably be more accepted than most ... but ... it's complicated. Wish I could go into detail but it's difficult to do that whilst maintaining my anonymity on a board such as this).

This episode was not a work thing, but it could easily have been as it would have been the same result.

OK. Just sent a follow up email. Hope it doesn't make the situation worse, but I couldn't leave it like that.

I wish email were the natural way for everyone, but unfortunately it isn't.

Raise your hand.

This same thing often happens to me. I raise my hand and wait to be called on by the chairperson. That seems to work better. I never know when to interrupt, so I miss out if it is a contest between people.