Need to get it out there

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I have never truly felt a part of society.

I was troubled in school because I often would get hung up on details of the topics, and be unable to continue to the point I would need to be removed from the room. Others would call me a "class clown", but I didn't like the attention from it at all.

My sister often said she thought I was messed up in the head. She would never really hang out with me, and I didn't know how to hang out with her. When she would have friends over my idea of hanging out would be listening to their conversation, to know what they are talking about; without having to contribute. I like commenting to myself on topics, but I find that I have trouble conveying the thoughts from my mind to my mouth. I can have a mental picture of the feelings in my mind, but it doesn't come out as such


Under normal circumstances I am acceptably social, although all of the people who remain in my life a long time term me an awesome awkward person. I try to be part of the group, but often am thought of as strange or weird because of it. I see what is termed "NTs" forming friendships. Nice friendships, where they do nice things for each other without having to be asked. Getting lunch for each other, chatting it up, etc. etc. Although when I try these things, I am a creepy person, or unable to act on the thoughts I have in my mind.

When I get put under pressure, well; more so get put "on the spot" first I lose my social skills. My words cease up, I have to take breaks to finish my sentences, and I start getting angry and frustrated because they don't understand me.

I have had a job for 6 years in the IT field, and I think it has helped me maintain. Its easier to approach somebody when you already feel disconnected due to your position. I am not good at empathizing with the customer, but after years I have learned to feign a caring tone.

I have been sent to psych wards twice, and I have taken anger management. All 3 times I was told I don't seem to have any ailments that they are able to recognize and/or help with.


Do I need to go somewhere in particular for ASd/HFA testing?

My coworkers have teased me about being autistic before, and today I googled "I am great with data, but have trouble with my thoughts and feelings" and it brought me here.

Looking for some advice on how to proceed.

EDIT: I forgot to mention: My coworkers started teasing me because after a review brought to the light the fact I miss details and or what the underlying implications of directions entailed. Then they started joking I must be socially awkward, or even autistic.

I took the "Scientific Tests" that I saw on the forum. On the AQ test I scored "41" (range of 35-50 is AS/HFA?) and I scored Autistic/BAP on the first quiz which was listed, I can't remember the name but I remember it was on some silly site hosted by "OKCupid".

It might have something to do with thinking in black and whites. I don't do very well in conversations where everyone must contribute something. I prefer it when I am just a listening spectator, or if I am the only person talking (like a lecture) and everyone else is listening to me.

but how can you make friends if you don't contribute and make yourself known?

I often try to do things to make friends that I see other people doing.

Randomly go up and try to engage in some form of conversation.

Share my foods/drinks with people in the area.

Ask if people need stuff...

but no one ever seems to want to accept, and/or reciprocate on these things. I rub people the wrong way without knowing it, and while having the best intentions.

One of the reasons its much easier to go home and sink into my literature instead of going to do stuff with others.