Hi, I'm a 16 year old NT dating a aspie.

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Vampwolf95
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01 Aug 2011, 10:41 pm

I have been dating my aspie boyfriend for 2 years, and, despite the issues we deal with, we manage to survive it. Even though I am happy physically, I am fustrated mentally. For one, my boyfriend depends on me; but I can't always receive the same dependency. If anyone was to view my relationship, they would consider me the superior partner of the relationship; and I hate that. I want my boyfriend to be happy, but I want to be happy too. We have seperated twice, and I think we're going to seperate again. I love my boyfriend, but I just feel isolated. I have not told any of my friends, or family about his "true identity", and I don't know where else to turn. I don't want to talk to his mother, because I will be reflected as a "stuck up" person blaming him for our issues. I also am having a hard time with hiding my emotions from my boyfriend. He thinks everything is ok, but I know we are toxic. I wanted to know if there is anyone out there who can give me hope, and encourage me.



MakaylaTheAspie
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01 Aug 2011, 10:53 pm

First of all, welcome.

Second, you should be proud to be dating someone so different. If you could possibly share how he reacted when you two separated those few times, one of us might be able to give you a concrete answer.

You should also recomend this website to your boyfriend, he might like the idea of other people on the spectrum all in one place.

All I can really say right now is good luck, and hang in there! It may seem like a rollercoaster being with an Aspie, but it's much worse being an actual Aspie. Give him as much support as you can.


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Callista
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02 Aug 2011, 2:08 am

You're not really being specific about the issues you are facing. Are you two having problems communicating? Do you have problems reading him; or maybe he has problems reading you? What, exactly, do you want to depend on him for? Why would you be considered "superior"? Because you are dominant and make more decisions, maybe?

Honestly, you've got to give more information. We're mostly autistics, here, and that means we don't read between the lines. Just say it straight out; we'll get it then.


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Artros
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02 Aug 2011, 3:22 am

Besides being clear to us, what exactly have you told him about this? It could simply be that he doesn't understand what you're talking about and therefore discards it. I have recently begun a discussion with an NT friend on friendship, and I find some of the stuff she talks about very difficult to understand. Without specific real examples of events that have happened and that illustrate your point, I doubt you will simply make him understand these concepts your are talking about.



Vampwolf95
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02 Aug 2011, 11:34 am

We usually have issues with communication. I can read his emotions, but he can't read mine, and he isn't very interested in my emotions either. I often have to tell him how I feel in details; for example, If I'm upset about a movie, I has to explain to him why I'm upset, not how. My boyfriend also has issues with priorities. I'm not his top priority, his video games, and gem collection is. When we are together, he treats me as a stranger. Whenever we seperate, I am his biggest fixation. I make most of the emotional desicions in teh relationship, and he makes more of the literal desicions( ex. where to eat, what movies to watch). I want our relationship to be equal, meaning we both make desicions together. The issues I have listed here is the reason why I am fustrated.



MakaylaTheAspie
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02 Aug 2011, 11:42 am

Vampwolf95 wrote:
We usually have issues with communication. I can read his emotions, but he can't read mine, and he isn't very interested in my emotions either. I often have to tell him how I feel in details; for example, If I'm upset about a movie, I has to explain to him why I'm upset, not how. My boyfriend also has issues with priorities. I'm not his top priority, his video games, and gem collection is. When we are together, he treats me as a stranger. Whenever we seperate, I am his biggest fixation. I make most of the emotional desicions in teh relationship, and he makes more of the literal desicions( ex. where to eat, what movies to watch). I want our relationship to be equal, meaning we both make desicions together. The issues I have listed here is the reason why I am fustrated.


You may already know this, but that is quite common. You're going to have to deal with these traits if you're with him, but if you're concerned about you two being equals, just talk to him about it. A good location would be somewhere where he is comfortable. He may actually be interested in your emotions, he just doesn't have good ways of showing it. His priorities may seem a little mixed up, but that's life for ya. If he was in a challenging situation, I'm sure he'd have his priorities straight. And if he fixates on you, it's obvious how much he likes having you around. it seems like to me that you calm him to an extent.

If you could possibly just give us a little more details, we could be a little more concrete. (sorry if that's a little frustrating)


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Artros
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02 Aug 2011, 11:54 am

Vampwolf95 wrote:
We usually have issues with communication. I can read his emotions, but he can't read mine, and he isn't very interested in my emotions either. I often have to tell him how I feel in details; for example, If I'm upset about a movie, I has to explain to him why I'm upset, not how. My boyfriend also has issues with priorities. I'm not his top priority, his video games, and gem collection is. When we are together, he treats me as a stranger. Whenever we seperate, I am his biggest fixation. I make most of the emotional desicions in teh relationship, and he makes more of the literal desicions( ex. where to eat, what movies to watch). I want our relationship to be equal, meaning we both make desicions together. The issues I have listed here is the reason why I am fustrated.


The first thing is hopeless. It's simply how he is, and nothing can change that. I would note, though, that he does listen to your explanation as to why you are upset and wants to know all the details, so he is interested in your feelings (I presume that he's the one asking you why you're upset). I don't think there is some magic moment where he suddenly starts seeing your emotions. Some start seeing patterns and might become better at it over time, but you can always expect a certain blindness.

As far as the priorities thing goes, I think some examples are required. If he was engrossed in his video games or his gems, then I would understand it if he'd be unhappy that you interrupted him. I think Aspies tend to show their priorities more when they understand that they need to do something. For example, if you are obviously hurt, he would prioritise you over his video games (I hope).

What do you mean when you say emotional decisions?

Maybe he does not want to take decisions together because he is afraid of conflict.


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Callista
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02 Aug 2011, 12:43 pm

Telling him how you are feeling, in detail, is a great solution. His being unable to read your emotions is a pretty normal thing. So, in a way, you've already solved that problem, right? OK.

Regarding priorities: His special interests will always be very, very high on his list. He will want to talk about them, spend time doing them. That's because his brain is built to focus very narrowly on his topics of special interest. He'll often fall back to talking about them because he's good at talking about them. If you're going to be his friend, then chances are you're going to be talking about them a good deal. Since he has AS, chances are (if he's like me) his special interests are a source of fun, relaxation, stress-reduction, and general coping with a world that's probably quite overwhelming to him. I know you're sixteen so you're probably not thinking about this; but an essential part of many AS/NT marriages is that the AS person has enough space to spend time with his special interests, and the NT person has enough space to spend time socializing with friends. That's true of dating, to a smaller degree. If both people don't make allowances for each others' differences, then the relationship tends to get rocky.

Remember that most Aspies are introverted. Yours probably is, just by the odds. That means he's not going to want to spend all his time with people in general, you included. He needs his space to be alone and recharge. When he has his energy back, he'll come out and socialize again. If you're an extrovert, you'll have to adjust to this, and realize that what an introvert would do is different from what you would do. Some introverted Aspies fill up their social need from just meeting with friends once a week, or even once a month. Their closest friends--the ones they'd give their lives for--are people they see every couple of weeks. I don't know if yours is that introverted, since he's already dating at sixteen, but it's not impossible.

While these links aren't about Aspies, they may help you--
A Girl's Guide to Geek Guys
Caring for your Introvert

The important thing to remember is that you two probably speak different languages. He won't always understand you; you won't always understand him. Luckily, you both speak English; so get in the habit of using that language to say what really needs to get across. :)


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