Why does he not understand

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Husband has recently diagnosed aspergers, long-standing depression and anxiety.

Recently our 11 year old daughter was being defiant and cheeky. My husband sent her to her room and i supported him on this. he was not happy though to have his evening interrrupted and he followed her to her room to continue angrily going on and on about her behavoiur.

Eventually after he had come out of her room I told him that whilst I understood his anger and supported his punishment, I did not support him perpetuating the situation by ongoing displays of his anger towards her. He then accussed me of being totally unsupportive, never agreeing with him and ruining his night. Then he said what he usually says about these types of situations "anyone who had to deal with what I deal with (ie his family) would have reacted in the same way"
I told him what I usually say
"no. others do not deal with things this way. they plan and implement strategies for disciplining their children appropriately"

After a while of talking, husband eventually changed his opinion and conceeded that perhaps I was right. He seemed to accept that I was being supportive on at least one level.

However, an hour later the whole subject is bought back up again about how his evening was ruined. I was a totally unsupportive b***** etc etc. Yet again, he then swings back to agreeing that maybe he went over the top, maybe I was supportive and then back to telling me how awful I am.

so, my questions are:

Can anyone on this forum help me to understand this "switch" of thought pattern? Is this an aspergers thing because he is so confused.

what therapy is there for people with impulse control issues. our family is falling apart because of his inability to manage his anger in a more constructive way. there appears to be some belief that he is justified in displaying his anger inappropriately. eg: "his father did worse things to him", our family is more demanding than any other family.
so, i wonder ---- is this part of his medical condition or is this just an abusive man? our psychologist says he is fundamentally a good man who doesn't know how to manage stuff and therefore reacts inappropriately.

I have been undergoing therapy for something similar. Mine is more directed at my husband only, and almost never my kids, who I have tons of empathy and patience for. This in turn hurts my husband very deeply. It's not him, but the fact that my anxiety and depression was so out of control that his demands (however small) were more than I could take. I have through out so many years given all I could give and tried my best to plug along in a world that I didn't understand and made no concessions for me. I was filled with anger, hurt and regret. It was like my bucket for ability to take anymore had been filled and sometimes just his presence was more than I could handle. The very thought that he might mess up my routine, my order, my plans, or my anything.... I just was hanging on with all I had. Like him, my parents were not tolerant at all. I was raised in a very abusive environment. I thought getting diagnosed would help, but for some reason my depression and anxiety worsened a lot the year after diagnosis. The clinician recommended Acceptance Commitment Therapy. I sought an on-line therapist which I am still working with and it's helped immensely. I don't do well with face to face talk therapy, but e-mailing works very well for me. If you're interested PM me and I'll send you the site where I found my therapist.

As for the switch. He FEELS like his night was ruined and his life is unfair to him. It's a feeling and not necessarily what is happening, so when you rationalize with him, he has to concede that you are correct. His thought process is flawed. But, later on his depressive and anxious feelings return and there he is left feeling bad again. He's not doing it purposefully to hurt you. Keep standing your ground and not letting his outbursts go without asserting yourself, but do it kindly, with compassion. Urge him to find someone that will do ACT, or Mindfulness therapy with him. It has helped me wonders. Good luck!

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No this is not an Asperger thing. Perhaps your husband has some type of anger management problem or personality disorder. Who diagnosed him with AS and how? Did they consider any co-morbid conditions or another diagnosis?

Diagnosed by a clinical psychologist recommended by Austism Association. Other diagnosis by a psychiatrist was Major depression, anxiety, obsessive compulsive disorder.

Does your husband do this frequently or was it an isolated incident? If he does it frequently where one minute he agrees with you and the next minute he is verbally abusing you and acting like he never agreed with you in the first place, then perhaps he has borderline personality disorder.

Yes he does do this frequently. Basically he keeps coming back to what his first reaction was to a situation. Then I try to get him to see it from another point of view. He appears to get his head around this and agree to a certain extent. Then hours, days or weeks later will bring up the same situation again and his initial reaction /thoughts. This applies to incidents that occurred with me last week or 5 years ago and also incidents that occurred with others. Some going as far back as 20 years !
he verbally abuses (in his opinion) because his family is worse than anyone elses, no-one listens to him and no-one respects him
People with AS tend to have difficulty switching from one mindset to another.

Reading through a few of your old posts this is not a new issue and was already determined in another thread that this can be AS related, but...BUT...he has to take responsibility for himself and his own behavior. I can certainly sympathize with him about how hard life must be for him as per your list of things he struggles with, however... as the post above me says, you're not his mother. I have most definitely seen a lot of behavior on this forum that resembles what you're talking about, so I can see how it could be AS related. If he agrees that he has a problem, will accept his AS diagnosis then there's hope. If not, I'm afraid you may have to help him find appropriate services and ask for a separation/divorce. Asperger's may be the reason, but it's never ever an excuse to treat others (especially children) badly. I don't think he has BPD or any other personality disorder if he's already been identified as AS. I think someone with AS that's very mindblind, stressed out, and has poor coping skills can come across this way. Ultimately, he has to make the decision to change his behavior. I can see by your previous posts how heavy this is weighing on you. I hope things turn around for your marriage. You deserve to feel loved and safe and so do your kids.

It sounds like he was possibly abused as a child ("his father did worse to him"). Many abusive adults were abused children. And children with disabilities are much more likely to be abused. While his behavior is not likely a direct result of his autism, it may be a result of maltreatment he received because he was autistic.

I can sympathise. I am not NT like yourself, but I have had to detach for now from my bf because he was displaying the same behaviour, only it was very, very rare he would agree with me at all, rather he would just rant on and on, steamrolling over me, telling rather silly and illogical lies and twisting every attempt to rationalise with him, around. I reached my limit when he called me a selfish b**ch for the 2nd time in days, claimed I acted like God and considered myself superior, and said a series of really upsetting things. It was like dealing with a child, in many respects, which is incredibly difficult considering he is 52 years old. Mind you, I have had to step back because his behaviour was causing me severe meltdowns and emotional damage.

I have found no solution myself, I tried talking, I tried ignoring it, and the last thing I tried was sending a letter, in hopes he would have time to think and consider, but instead he turned the letter into some sort of negative thing, and treated me as if I had suddenly become the people who had physically attacked him in his past. I think sometimes, maybe, the damage is too great to work with, especially so if the person is not willing to realise that their behaviour is far from rational, and far from fair.

I would not put up with your husband's behaviour, you need to find a way to get across to him how badly it is affecting you, without it coming across to him as criticism or anger. Or you need to give an ultimatum, if you suggest some sort of therapy, and he declines. I don't know because I ran out of ideas in my own situation and am now trying to recover myself.

It sounds like he has a lot of thinking errors. There are some simple CBT exercises that can help like three minute therapy stuff, just Google it, it is all online. These are especially good for people with AS as they require an analytical approach to behavior that is in the comfort zone for a lot of people on the spectrum. If he's struggling studying behavioral science will also help give him some insight into others actions and help him feel in control instead of losing it.

Thanks everyone for your thoughts. From what I have been reading and discovered, those with AS who get early intervention are at a huge advantage. Unfortunately for those that are mature adults (like my Husband in his mid 40's), changing some of those thinking patterns is near impossible. I am certainly not expecting him to become someone else, but to at least acknowledge why others react the way they do and why we have the opinions we have can go a long way in compromising between the aspie/NT relationship.
It is my opinion (rightly or wrongly) that my husbands aggressive behaviour is a result of years of misunderstanding, feeling victimised, exposure to perhaps a father who also had undiagnosed AS. However, regardless of the reason, he is now an adult and must, through his own observations of life and others, realise that there is a line that should not be crossed.
I am actually considering a restraining order so that a magistrate can tell him what he can and cannot do. Name calling, yelling over and over again, ridiculous threats, throwing things, ranting has got to stop and he seems to think that he is justified in doing this stuff because we (his family) drive him to it and do not listen to him.
I am also in the process of re-organising finances so that we have more choices in regards to our living arrangments. i think he would be much better living alone.

Argentina YES it can definitely be an Aspie thing. In fact, I have a problem with going on and on about something when people no longer want to hear it. I usually repeat the same things over and over so that whomever is listening says "yes, you told me that already." It's not that I am angry, exactly, just repeating stuff. It's hard to let go when annoyed about something and drop it. I can drop it maybe twenty minutes later but I must go on and on about it and repeat my opinions for a while first. It's especially bad after I eat dinner at a restaurant which leaves me wondering if it has something to do with my blood sugar?

Caffeine makes it much MUCH worse, too.

I have no idea how to stop it completely. I consider it one of my quirks. It's like while I am repeating, I am processing the feeling of annoyance of something. It can be about anything. The hot weather is one of my favorite topics, so is the bad roads. I tend to dwell on the same topic whenever I am reminded of it. Like, in the car I am reminded of how hot it is so I go on and on about how the heat bothers me, repeating myself for fifteen minutes or so. I also do the same thing when the road gets really bumpy and there's strange dents in it that make the tires seem like they will go out of alignment.

Does your husband drink coffee? I find coffee makes it worse.