Forced well-wishes

Post Reply New Topic

Anyone else have issues with well-wishes

For example greetings cards - I HATE these - it's a sort of forced false sentiment.
You're expected to sign cards at work when someone is leaving whether you knew them or not, forced to give birthday cards because it is expected then you have to make up some sort of false sentiment to go inside...one that differs from whichever one is already written in the card when you buy it, and something fitting to the person you're giving it to and to the relationship you have with that person.

When someone is getting married, moving home, going into hospital, whatever other reason there is to say 'Good luck...hope all goes well' or whatever else you're expected to say - why do you need to say these things, surely they know that you don't wish them to die on the operating table, that you do hope they have a nice marriage, etc. I don't even understand how do you say such things, what way do you say these sort of greetings or well wishes to people without sounding fake or insincere.

Mothers day is coming up - I'm somewhat estranged from my mother, currently we're on worse terms as I was supposed to send her well-wishes prior to a minor operation she had - I hadn't realised when this operation was or that I had to send well-wishes - since then my [estranged] aunt sent me an abusive message and my mother sent my boyfriend (who she's only met once) a message about how selfish and horrible I am to her...a woman who was abusive and never cared about anything in my life. I know she'll expect a message saying 'Happy Mothers Day' or something...despite my not acknowledging mothers day in 20 years - I don't understand how people can send well-wishes like this in this sort of situation, why it is expected, why I'd be so much worse of a daughter if I don't do this.

I just don't understand this sort of thing at all!
Anyone else feel the same way?

I am used to giving well-wishes, but I dislike that they're expected even when insincere, that the action matters more than the feelings behind it.

I welcome a situation in which there are rules, so I don't have to twist myself up in knots trying to figure out what is appropriate. I would like it if there were even clearer rules on when to send well wishes, and exactly what they should say. The fact that they can be fake doesn't bother me as much as not knowing what is expected.

What I've learned painfully over the years is, unless you say it, they don't know that you wish their marriage well or that you care that they come out of surgery intact. I've had to face up to the fact that it's very likely that my husband never really understood that I loved him, since I rarely or never told him. I never really thought about it. I also thought it was obvious from the fact that we were together and from the things I did -- brought him flowers occasionally, made elaborate meals for him -- but it wasn't. I'm terrible at remembering dates, so birthdays and anniversaries always caught me by surprise, and he had banished Valentine's Day himself as unnecessary. I never understood why he pulled away and now he's dead -- been dead for twelve years -- and I finally get it, but there's nothing I can do about it except try not to repeat the mistake if I ever get another chance. So, if a relationship is important to you, for whatever reason, it pays to make the effort.



As for Mom's surgery, if she wanted well-wishes she should have done a better job of making sure you knew what was going on and when the surgery was. However, when it comes to Mother's Day, think of it like this: the $2 card plus postage is the price of keeping the peace. It doesn't cost you much -- or anything at all if you send an e-card -- and will mean a lot to her. Which is more valuable to you -- sticking to your guns, or sending the card and making her feel better -- and maybe keeping her out of your hair for another year? I don't see the big deal, either. Mother's Day has never been important to me with my own daughter or mother, either, and we're all on good terms. Sometimes, you don't have to understand; there's no right or wrong answer, just consequences.

yeah I remember at school during christmas time. There was this girl who gave everyone
a card. I always thought it was strange she never said hello to me or anyone she did not
like but gave people a christmas card. Whats the point.

I don't send cards or wish someone well unless I mean it.

She told me when it was, just I have a million major things going on in my life, and as said I wouldn't have known that I was supposed to send her well-wishes for something as minor as that, and given our relationship. I never send cards, don't know where she lives to send one anyway, at most it would be a 'Happy Mother's Day' on her Facebook wall...but it'd be done out of necessity if anything, not to make her feel better...but then not sure if 'Happy Mother's Day' on her Facebook wall constitutes as being appropriate, not sure what would.

Last edited by Bloodheart on 28 Mar 2011, 8:16 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I see a business opportunity here... aspie greeting cards...

Mother's Day... well, you did give birth to me so there is that... I'm not sure I understand why I need to thank you for that every year, though. I didn't ASK to be born you know.

Get Well - I don't really know what's wrong with you but I hope its not terminal. Feel better soon or die trying.

Happy First Birthday - like you can READ this card anyway! The inside should really just have big goofy pictures, a drool bib and a slot for money intended for your future but that your parents will spend on take out this weekend.

I've had unremembered birthdays, hospital stays without visitors and even arranged a funeral at which I was the sole mourner. None of these left me devastated but a little human warmth, even forced and artificial warmth, would have been nice. I try to remember that when faced with these simple social obligations. A big demonstrative and expensive gift, no. A simple card that says no more than "Hi, I'm a human being and I see you are, too," yes.

I had to comment on this, it really made me laugh
You've got a great sense of humour. That's one thing I really don't get. So many people in these posts have got a wicked, dry sense of humour yet I keep reading that Aspies don't 'get' humour. There are many, many times when I've had family and friends crying with laughter at my quips and comments. My dad always wanted me to do stand-up comedy because I used to do running commentries and observations indoors but I was and am too shy. I don't like the typical formula jokes ( mainly because by the time they've got to the punchline I've wandered off somewhere in my mind) But your type of humour is right up my street.

Tiffinity.

Ditto. I just hate anything that isn't sincere because it's expected, and nobody ever seems to question it.

Thank you - I'll be here all week!

I've never had a problem with humor. I'm one of those overly creative, want-to-be-social-but fail-miserably-at-it types. I also get sarcasm and irony and snark and dry wit... and I try to dish it out too. What good is it if I keep to myself.

So, glad to be your neighbor, neighbor -nice street we got here!

Sorry, but I'm so stealing this for my friends babies first birthday, lol

I grant you limited first north american rights only... anything else we'll negotiate

Same here. What I hate are those "bread and butter" cards that people send you after a visit. They are so meaningless and devoid of sincerity. At Christmas I will thank a person once for a gift in person but never send formal thank you notes.

I don't understand it either. I always hated this kind of stuff, it really is meaningless. Does reading a card really make somebody feel better?