Neurotypical theory of mind

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My step dad seems to be trying to convince me that I'm not autistic and makes it out like hes complimenting me by doing so. This mans not stupid but at the same time I'm wondering how he managed to reach the age of 45 without grasping the concept that not everyone is like him. When I explain the fact that I dislike socialising to the point that I feel sick just thinking about it he says "no way, I don't believe you" like I'm a little kid or something pretending to be something I'm not for god knows what reasons. One night I forced myself to endure an agonising 2 hours of "socialising" with him and my mother and trying to listen to him verbosely telling me stories with no apparent point while he chain smoked cigarettes (which greatly added to the sickening sensation since I don't smoke and detest the smell of it) and slowly became more arrogant and condescending as the alcohol accumulated in his blood stream. I toughed it out entirely as a show of respect so as not to offend him (or my mother) by just walking off and when I finally decided to get the hell out of there he said "you enjoyed that conversation didn't you" and when I told him the truth in the kindest, least offensive way I could (I just said "no") he first told me "I'm offended" then insisted that he didn't believe me. I'm a pretty patient and understanding man but this is just f****d up. I find having a root canal more enjoyable than sitting around listening to people talking because they like the sound of their own voice (or whatever the hell it is that NT's find enjoyable about "socialising") and what I get in return for having to courtesy to partake in this mindless BS is people trying to get me to admit that I enjoyed it. This s**t is pretty sickening. I should just start strapping ignorant NT's to a chair in front of a computer screen and forcing them to read an explanation of what high functioning autism is. Sorry for bitching and moaning here but I needed to get it off my chest and this is the only place people know what the hell I'm talking about. f****n NTs and their inability to comprehend the fact that not everyone is like them

My first reaction is that your father is being an ass.

That's my second reaction, too.

My third reaction is that you should quit trying to please someone that consistently behaves like an ass.

But that's just my opinion and it's based on a very short description of your interaction with him. Maybe he is a kind, loving, gentle and understanding man and this situation just wasn't him at his best.

It could just be denial. A lot of parents (or step parents?) have this idea in their minds of what they want their children to be. It is not that they cannot truly grasp another person's problem, but when it comes to their children, they do not allow themselves to see outside of the narrow path they have laid out for who their child is supposed to become. I doubt it is a lack of ToM. A lot of parents blame themselves for autistic children, thinking that parenting somehow causes autism. This is especially common, I think, when adults are considering/get a diagnosis. They don't want to think they have done anything wrong, and so they make-believe that everything is okay. I've read this somewhere, and I think it is pretty true.

I've had the same problem with most of my family members. It really pisses me the **** off whenever they think that I am acting/pretending in order to receive special treatment. I am getting SSI in 2 days and everyone thinks I am "cheating the system" saying things like, "don't let them catch you"
The main reason I hate socializing is because it is not really done for informational purposes, it is done to waste time. Whenever I do socialize, the other person won't even remember what we talked about, the next time I see them, so what was the reason for the conversation?
You should try online chatting. There is no sound, no emphasis on words, no misunderstanding someone's vocal tone, and there is more capacity for informational conversations, since there is no stupid laughing/giggling/smiling

Yeah I think he genuinely has my best interest in mind but is just misinformed about the difficulties of living with mild autism. He doesn't seem to comprehend the fact that people with mild autism are genuinely different and do not have the same aspirations, traits and neurochemical makeup as your average NT. I think he has the idea that hes fending off the evil psychiatrists who are trying to label me as something less than human. On the surface that seems like a highly offensive (to autistic folk) point of view but in reality its just another case of erroneous preconceptions. Whether the intentions are good or not, its still a source of great suffering for many people, especially those that have visible differences to the average person.


Exactly!! The only time I enjoy "socialising" is when I'm talking to someone who is interested in something that I'm interested in so that we get an exchange of information going. I would happily talk to someone like this all day but they always try to change the subject after a while and start ignoring me when I insist on sticking to the interesting subject. I still don't really socialise in situations like this, I just kinda dump information on the person but when we're both highly interested in the subject this works well, we both dump info on each other and when we walk away we have new knowledge. If socialising was always like this I would like it.

As for talking online, you're right. Its perfect. You start a thread with a specific subject for it and people actually get flamed if they stray from the subject.

Last edited by cnidocyte on 03 Aug 2011, 2:29 pm, edited 2 times in total.

Sorry your stepdad's reacting like that. The truth is that a lot of people don't realise that not everyone is like them. It's difficult for a lot of people to understand why people might not enjoy socialisation when it's almost a rule for everyone to do so, and when they and most people they know center their lives around it.

I can't really think of what a good thing to do in that kind of situation is! If you don't have to spend much time with him, maybe you can just try and put it to one side. It's horrible when people patronise you and act as if you're making something up when it's the truth.

Whichever way, don't doubt yourself and try not to think about what others say. You're an individual, and you should live in the way which suits you most/ enables you to function best.

ForestRose: Thanks for the reply. Makes me feel better hearing from people who can relate to this kinda thing because it makes me feel like less of an alien. Although I'm fairly hard headed and resilient I still start to doubt myself when everyone around me seems to be trying to convince me that I'm something other than what I think I am. I start to wonder if I'm actually schizophrenic and incapable of seeing things for what they are. It became easier to fend off this kinda thing after being diagnosed though because at least now I have an explanation for whats going on.

Whatever you enjoy - strap the biggest book you have on the subject in his hands for two hours and tell him he HAS to read it. And, when you ask him if he enjoyed it, tell him he's lying. YOU enjoy reading that book for two solid hours so he must as well.

Sometimes, you need to give a concrete example in the most obvious, simpliest terms in order to challenge someones thinking - NT or otherwise.

Sorry to be a Debbie Downer, but that's the attitude of most of the population of the planet. They don't get it, and don't care enough to try to learn about it. Until there's an immense Autism Awareness campaign worldwide, that will never change. The world needs to be bombarded by Public Service Announcements featuring short dramatizations demonstrating what Autistic people go through on a daily basis. Unfortunately, everybody's so obsessed with finding a way to 'cure' us out of existence, the concept of understanding and acceptance doesn't even occur to the NT world.

Oddly cnidocyte, because I was treated that way all my life, even though I tried to explain to my family for years that I simply could not do things they same way they did, when I finally was diagnosed as an adult and they could read a little about AS and see for themselves that the handicaps I'd been describing to them for decades are REAL and actually make up a diagnosable disorder, I think they were kind of embarrassed for not taking me seriously when I was a child and teen.

Oh, well, water under the bridge now - fat lot of good it does me at this point. Employers and bureaucrats still can't wrap their heads around it and there is absolutely no one to turn to when you're discriminated against or need help because of your disability. If its not happening to them, and they can't SEE it, it can't be real.

I've seen this before...

lol good idea. I should put my 1200 page Organic Chemistry book in his hands and make him feel like he should read it because its what humans are supposed to enjoy doing. The introduction chapter doesn't require any prior chemistry knowledge and is written in plain English so he'd have no excuse not to be able to read it. This would make a good test because maybe the way his brain is wired means chemistry isn't enjoyable for him the same way socialising isn't enjoyable for me.