Saying or doing "wrong" things

Post Reply New Topic

Long before I ever found out why I was the way I was, I had a number of run-in instances where I wound up looking like the village idiot.

When I was around 5 or 6, I remember my family taking me to a restaurant. I don't remember what restaurant it was; all I can recall is that, despite it being a moderately small building, there was a kids' play area. So I went over to slide down the kiddie slide, and when it was my turn to go down, I slid down before the girl ahead of me had gotten off. Her father was there, and as he picked her up off the slide just before I would have rammed into her, he barked angrily at me, telling me that I was never supposed to do that.
I was devastated. If this wasn't the very first time I noticed just how absurdly sensitive I am to guilt, it was certainly one of the first.

A couple of years later found me at a daycare center my mom took me and my sister to one summer, when she had to work. One day I was sitting in a group of kids, and the twenty-something woman watching over us had us playing a game. I don't remember what the game was. All I know is that I've always had trouble understanding set instructions when they're laid out for me, and whatever the rules to this game were, I had missed them because I was off in what all the grown-ups called "La-La Land." Anyway, when it came my turn to make the face, or signal, or whatever it was I was supposed to do, I just looked dumbfounded. The daycare employee then said to me - and I quote verbatim: "You're dumber than a doorknob, kid!"
I distinctly recall wondering how an inanimate object could possibly be dumb.

Fast forward about twenty years.

I went to a restaurant-cum-grocery store one night with my family. I finished my food first as usual, and while they were finishing up theirs, I wandered absentmindedly into the store section of the business. I only vaguely registered that I seemed to be the only one in this part of the store, until a manager waltzed up to me and said, "Excuse me, sir? This section is closed. Unless you need help finding anything." I felt like such a doofus.

Quite recently, I was working at a second-hand thrift store, in the back, testing electronics to make sure they work, et cetera. I was new (and, well, didn't get past "new," as I hardly lasted at that job for a full week, but that's another story), and the co-worker I was with pointed out that on the cart, I had been stacking VCRs and such on top of each other (nothing towering, just two devices to a stack), and we as employees were never to do this. That was enough for me, so I stopped doing it. But somehow he had it in his head that he needed to rat on me to the manager, who told me exactly why we were never to stack items: the carts were wheeled out to the front section of the store, where customers shopped, and heavy equipment like electronics could fall off the carts if stacked, possibly landing on a small child's head.
This was horrifying to me. I've made some whoppers of errors in the past, but to think I could screw up something that was basic knowledge, that I could cause some poor kid's life to be in danger... The irony is that said manager made sure to pat me on the shoulder and let me know he wasn't trying to get on my case (I must have turned pale in the face), but I still walked away from that traumatized. Even though this was after I had learned about Asperger's syndrome, it made no difference.

And just last night I was at a church dinner. I was in an outrageously bad mood to begin with (and so tried my best to avoid people), but when we all got in line for the food, I took two pieces of chicken without even thinking about it (hey, I was hungry). One of the leaders, who was serving the next dish, saw this and said to me: "Just one piece." He wasn't mean about it. If anything, he was friendly, if matter-of-fact. But I did note that, once again, I had gotten something wrong, when by neurotypical standards I should have known better.

All this seems just so funny, because here I am mulling over all these trivial little incidents. That's exactly why it bothers me. Why should it get under my skin? These are all honest mistakes.
Because I keep making them, over and over and over, and wind up looking like a total jackass when it happens, too. There's always been something about this especially that has irked me from childhood - after all, I hate appearing stupid or being mistaken for stupid (well, who doesn't) when I know I'm an intelligent human being, but in these situations, I could fool everybody.

Anyone else have other, similar stories to share?

Oh, man, do I ever.
Like the time in sixth grade when I was eating lunch with my class and got up to go with the class at the table next to us instead of my own. Only when I was outside of the lunchroom did I realize my classmates weren't there; I had exited with the Title I (developmentally disabled) class. Ironic, really.

In college, one evening when I was really tired, I became fascinated by the fire alarm (it didn't even connect in my mind what it was for). If my now-husband hadn't been there, I might have pulled it--not because I wanted to cause trouble (that would have been mortifying), but because I was momentarily fascinated with an object.

There are countless times I've said or done stupid things like that.

During high school graduation I walked in the wrong direction. We were divided up into two large groups alphabetically, and the students in each group, after going up to receive his or her diploma, had to walk in opposite directions to get back to their seats. I did not walk in my group's direction--I walked in the other one.

That meant that my parents did not get a shot of me when I was going back (they were sitting near the "right" place). Later, one of my friends asked if I was making some kind of "statement" when I did that--I can't quite remember what I told him.

I caused my brother great mortification and embarrassment because of my inability to know what the right thing was; coming home from college with an older friend of his, and I failed to pay the friend an appropriate amount of gas money. The friend brought this to my brothers' attention who promptly yelled at me and denigrated me at the family supper table, which caused our parents to add to the yelling and the constant chorus of "How dumb can you be?".

I also have the refrain of "We raised you better than that" firmly lodged in my frontal lobe. Can't think of any specific instances at the moment.

Well, the fact that he even cared about "fairness" in terms of paying someone for gas...wow, a lot of NT's don't even think about that. Think anyone calls them out for it?

However, that was NOT something to go ballistic about. Did the friend even ask you? Also, you said "appropriate amount"--did you pay him anything at all, just not enough?

Regardless, "How dumb can you be?" was kind of off the graph.

This happens to me pretty much every day.

Like today, for instance. Two coworkers were having an animated discussion, so I walked over to join it. Trying to join in on the "fun", I made a couple jokes before one of them plain walked away and the other told me, "Conspicuous, go somewhere else right now." At least he said it nicely...well, as nicely as one can tell you "get lost". I spent half the rest of the day beating myself up over my inability to properly read a situation.

Many and I'd say 100% of my stories are embarrassments that live in my head... moments that everyone else has forgotten and possibly didn't think much about at the time of it happening.

I remember most if not all of my social mistakes. I would understand jokes too late or not at all, I would not understand that people didn't want to talk to me, I would get angry at someone over something very minor, then regret it forever.

I've done a lot of things that have caused others to think I must be stupid or up to something. I'll never forget them, but the other people involved have probably long forgotten. In the town where I stayed, a new supermarket was being built. I was on the bus and noticed some people going in, so I thought, 'Great, it's open and I need a few things'. Anyway, I entered the door and picked up a basket and starting to pick up some items. A man approached me and said, 'Sorry the shop's not open yet. This is just a preview for invited guests.' I felt my face turn bright red. There must have been notices or something, which I didn't see.

How come when an Aspie tries to join NT's conversation and they don't want him there, the Aspie is considered wrong for trying?

And how come when an Aspie doesn't want to talk, but NT's come over and insist on making unwanted conversation, the Aspie is also wrong for not responding enthusiastically?

How can we be wrong in both cases, how is this possible?

NTs make those mistakes all the time. They are so clumsy (especially when they are new in the group) that it can be dangerous sometimes, because they are too consentrated in looking/seaming/appearing.

It can sometimes take 30 minutes to explain simple game rules to NTs, because they are distracted by each other or cant follow the simple logic.

I claim that NTs would be more capable than me to steal a chicken, while I have never experienced to be that absent as you describe yourself doing this. As soon as I have a new object in front of me or something new happens on my way, Im not absent.

The only thing I can slightly relate to is how you slid down the kiddie slide before the girl ahead of you had gotten off. This could maybe happen to me as I have been surrounded by people that where slower than myself (NTs) and where I just have finished my tasks without waiting in the line. (So its not perfectly similar).

I don't really care what stupid things I did as a child, because all children do dumb things (that is why the irritate me so much!) But I can name a big story of what I done when I was a teenager, which I frown upon now, and also a few little, tiny things I did just a couple of years ago, what I was oblivious to.

When I was 14, (at the end of year 9), I did something socially cringing. I got a little friendly liking to a crowd of girls who I didn't really know, but I know of them, because their form room was in the room next door to ours. And I wanted to be part of their crowd, since they always hung around together in a 6. I always wanted to be part of a crowd, and I wanted to show all the girls in my class that I can make friends of my own (since the girls in my class didn't really want me around. They felt embarrassed to hang around with me - then people wonder why I have being an Aspie so much!). So I looked for this crowd of 6 girls who I wanted to be mates with, and I discovered that their ''hanging out'' spot was at the bottom of the school field. I sat on my own nearby, and they just sat talking about things in general (they weren't the type of girls to keep saying ''like'' between every other word, and they didn't talk about make-up and celebraties either). They were friendly, and said a few words to me, being that I was nearby, so I shuffled along to their group and joined in their chatting and laughing. They didn't seem to mind. Then I walked back to our form rooms with them, and we were all chatting, and one of them seemed happy about me being in their group. And I did not misinterpret anything, because I know when somebody is happy when I'm around, because I was so used to people being unhappy when I was around at school, so people being happy was a nice surprise for me. I didn't intensely stick in their pockets, but I did occasionally speak to them and sat with them at lunchtime the next day, but about 2 days later, they crept off to the office and told on me for trying to be their friend. I followed them to the office, and they went inside but I obviously didn't go in there with them, so I waited outside. The staff in there must have let them creep out of another door to avoid me, and then I got called into the office and one of the women in there had a chat with me (I wasn't in trouble). So these girls were freaked out by me, and didn't want them following me and trying to be their friend. I felt very silly afterwards. One good thing is, they didn't bully me at all, because they weren't the sort. But I suppose I don't blame them. Teenagers are still immature at 14, and it's a funny age, and I think any schoolchild would be freaked out if a stranger kept following them around the school. But I felt SO silly, and every time I think about it now, I still cringe and tell myself how much I hate myself for doing that.

And here's the embarrassing or stupid things I done just a year or two ago:-

I used to go out wearing T-shirts that had shrunk at the back.

I never used to pluck my eyebrows, and so went around with a monobrow.

I never used to clean my teeth in the mornings, nor eat anything. I hope my breath didn't stink!! !! !!

I used to literally sulk on the bus ride home if my favourite bus-driver wasn't on it, and made it look obvious that I was sulking

I used to pretend I was foreign to customers when I worked at my vollunteer job in the charity shop. I done this to give me an excuse as to why I'm so shy and unconfident with customers. Then another vollunteer there was working downstairs with me, so obviously I couldn't speak to customers like a foreigner because she will wonder what I'm doing. The customers probably wondered why I took off my Eastern Europpean accent all of a sudden.

I can relate. I joined in conversations before, and the response was ''I wasn't talking to you''. But then I see other people butting into other people's conversations, and it's always 10 times more annoying than what I ever do, because I see them butting into other people's private conversations, whereas I butt into other people's general conversations. Well, I don't even butt in. I just join in politely.
Once I was talking to somebody at my vollunteer job, and another person was literally right at the other side of the room doing something else, and she suddenly answered my question, even though I wasn't asking her, and the question was nothing to do with her either. Now if I had of done something that, it'd be a different story. It REALLY pisses me off!

I seem to jump from one embarrassing moment to the next. I have to laugh about it sometimes.

I got myself into massive trouble recently having a joke with someone- they were laughing at first but I appeared to take the joke too far without realising. They didn't speak to me for weeks and weeks. I'm still unsure at the moment it turned to be honest.

I don't see anything wrong with that. Personally I don't find the plucked look at all attractive in women.

I've lost count of the number of silly things that I've done over the years.
The worst times have been when I'm in a group being given instructions.
Everybody else has "got it" first time but I'm left thinking "OMG, I don't know what to do".
I have a terrible short term memory which doesn't help.