Letting Go

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Husband is finally starting to come to terms with his AS diagnosis, is reading books and we are talking about the differences between us. This is a massive development considering we have had 12 years of arguments, miscommunication, abusive behaviour, mis-diagnosis etc etc.

There are certain beliefs about me that he has that he will not seem to "let go" of. They are totally wrong and i have told him over and over again that his interpretation of the situation is not correct. I don't really know what more I can do to get this through to him.

1) he truly believes that I was the reason why he has not made any friends. he tells me and therapists that I would not have let him have any friends. I have explained to him that in the early days of us having children, I wanted him around more to help with the kids. i have certainly NEVER said that he cannot have friends and in fact, have been telling him for years to call up ????? and go out for a beer or something. He still claims that if he tried to make friends now that I would make it difficult for him to sustain these relationships.

2) in general conversation he will often make disparaging remarks about myself, our children or other people that are close to us.
eg: someone on TV will remind him someone we know who is age around 40. My husband will spend the next 10 minutes on a monologue about how she looks so much older.
he will remind me about how much of a better and fitter body he has than me
he will throw into conversation about how neuro-typical people lie all the time
he will comment on how our children are more difficult than anyone else's children
he will comment on how my friend is a "pain in the a*** and very opinionated"

I keep telling him how i find this really offensive and he keeps telling me "that it is the truth".

Apart from all this he is very loving, affectionate, caring, generous and committed.

One word: counseling. (ask his therapist for a recommendation.)

It sounds like you need a neutral third party involved. You both have years of baggage and assumptions that have to be unravelled before you can make any real progress. You need fresh eyes on the issues and open minds. Keep in mind that his perception is just as real to him as your intent is to you. The trick is getting the two to align.

Good luck.

Sounds like he attacks the people he feels safe with. Passive aggressive, and cowardly.
Tough words, but I've seen it before. The nicest man in the world, but the people that he tells the world he loves, that he is protecting, are the ones he in ACTUAL PRACTICE puts last.