How do you deal with someone changing your schedule?

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I just lost it. My husband arrived early from work. Before we met, I lived with schedules. I had everything in my life organized. Once we were together, he constantly complained about my cleaning, my schedules, my lack of being spontaneous. So little by little, in order to avoid arguments, I became spontaneous. Then he complained about things not getting done. Of course, bills, cleaning, etc...still had to be up to me because he couldn't get to setting up a schedule for himself. So I just let things go. I let things go because I can't not have a schedule and then have to do things on someone else's schedule.

After a couple of years of feeling completely worn out, of losing everything thanks to me leaving the bills and the cleaning to be done "whenever", so that he didn't complain, one day I got up and cleaned up and gave myself a schedule again. For a whole week my husband was thrilled that I was back to my "old self". Needless to say, I told him about 1000 times last week that I loved being so peaceful, that in order for us to have peace I needed a schedule for myself. I needed it with my son. That I didn't care about the weekends, those days, I would go with the flow...but I needed SOME stability in my life. What does he do? Today, although it is my day to clean, and I told him to wake me up everyday when he does, he didn't wake me up this morning. That meant that there went my schedule. I wasn't happy, but I tried to let it go and got back to my routine. What does he do? I talk to him 2 times during the day and he shows up at our home at 2PM vs. 5PM. That means he catches me in the middle of cleaning, walks in and disturbs the peace my son and I had and I just lost it.

I can't live like this the rest of my life. I understand that not everything in life can be scheduled. But there are things that can. If I let you know what brings me peace, why do you do the opposite? If it were for me, I would sleep all day and clean all night. But I know he likes for me to go to bed early, so what do I do? I please HIM. But he can't do this? I am not even saying don't come home early EVER...I am saying, if you are, at least call and let me know and give me a bit of time to prepare instead of walking in while the floor is wet.

Sigh...sorry, I feel like a nervous wreck because of it. And I used to feel bad about being angry over it, but I don't anymore...I don't because I DO things as he wants them "ie, go with the flow" every freaking weekend! I do what he wants EVERY NIGHT...sigh

I have variations on that kind of problem. The thing is that I have it in my head:
- there's an optimal solution to things
- if we just work together, things will be good
- if someone complains, it's not that difficult for me to do that little thing to make it better, so now they'll be happy.

But it doesn't mean they have the same rules in their head.

I found out in the most awful way that actually, even if you do do what they want, it doesn't mean that it's added up in a "things you did right" account. They just got what they want, and that's the end of that. You don't necessarily get any credit or reciprocal good thing back.

The real sting is that if you don't do what they want, they complain. The thing I have to learn is that just because they complain, it doesn't mean that I have to people please, and to learn to ignore them(even though my instincts are to do what they want, to get things right)

The bottom line is that they do what they want, moan, and there's not really necessarily a cause and effect thing going on in their heads. What they want is what they want now. No credit points to you, no benefit to you, except a cessation of the moaning, that they ignore when you do it to them.

I say he asks too much of you.. you said what works and what not and he does not respect

sometime it is difficult to step outside own thougts and think how it is for the other person.
say he can leave work early for sum reason and he is eager to see you and shows up early.. he prolly only thinks of seeing you... he does not think about the floor
sometime it wont work when the diffeernce is big

speaking up is better, keeping inside will drive you nuts.. he can handle you speaking up

I get pissed off and bottle up my anger, like always.

Thank you all...I couldn't agree more with your responses. It literally wore me out. I had such a great week last week after months of being worn out. It wore me out and I went to sleep. I just woke up and feel like someone beat the crap out of me. I just want to go out with my son and stay away now.

I cannot live like this the rest of my life. I would rather be alone. Being worn out, having such a disorganized life, etc. has taken a toll on my health. I hope that I can get back on my feet again, but right now, I don't see it happening. The same old "I'm sorry" excuse that is always used by NTs...yet they do the same things over and over and over and over and over...yes, over again. I will never understand why "they are the ones who are ok".


Thanks again at least I feel some comfort in knowing others out there feel the same as me.

PS - if he was really sorry you would think he would have cleaned up what was left to make the "you left me with this mess, blah" a bit better...nope...everything is in the hallway just as it was a couple of hours ago.

I've been talking to my NT friend who is very tuned in to men.
Her advice for talking to men is to keep it simple:
- short sentences, with one concept
- minimal number of sentences
- make it his problem

- say it in as low a tone as possible
- say it slowly and calmly
- screaming makes him simply tune out with "Oh heck, she's upset" and nothing else.

Important - once you've said it, stop talking. The mistake women make is to fill in the silence. More talking and concepts means that later, he can say "You said this" or "You said that".

By maintaining the silence, you've made your point, and the ball is very unignorably in his court, with no chatter to distract from that.


Hope this helps a tiny bit, and that you recover soon. Can you treat yourself, or do you know what helps you recover and rebuild your reserves? A hot sweet drink, a nice tasty carbohydrate loaded meal with veg, and or a sweet dessert? A bit the way you'd cosset a shock victim.

I know that when I go into overload, I make myself eat a little meal to give my body strength, have a drink for rehydration and then crawl into my bed with its cosy electric blanket for a 2 hour nap. This way, I'm giving my mind the time to recover, but also arming my body to rebuild during the time my mind is doing its thing.

I've screamed, I've yelled, I've talked calmly...I've talked a lot, I've talked a little...honestly, it's always the same "sorry". I got the "if you yell I tune you out" and I tried a different approach. I'm honestly just tired at this point. 12 yrs of telling someone what is acceptable and important to me is absolutely worthless.

1. honesty at all times
2. bills paid on time
3. no getting drunk in front of our child
4. being considerate when someone else cleans something to keep it clean instead of making a huge mess 2 mins later

I don't think I ask for much. I don't ask for jewelry, I don't ask for trips, I don't go to the salon to get my hair and nails done, I bust my butt working online trying to help us out, I homeschool our child, I do, I do, I do...

I am disconnecting. I disconnected a few months ago and it almost broke the marriage. Somehow I'm not supposed to disconnect, I should just deal with it. I can't do it. I feel like I am dying inside. Every single day a little bit of me dies.

Thanks so much for your thoughts and yes, I am going to do exactly what you said about doing something for me, getting something to eat, etc...

Tonight? I'm staying up working. Period. No if's, and's or but's...

When my schedule gets changed, it's because a new customer was added. I like it when my schedule gets changed, .

It isn't a flattering list, but the objective is to get the point across to someone who isn't necessarily that interested in doing what you want, not to make someone else reading the list feel good.

Put it another way - do you think that she would get a better result nagging him in a shrill tone, with a fast litany of all his faults, past and present, all injustices he's perpetrated upon her, the full list of details of how terrible he's made her feel, the shopping list of all the knock on effects his behaviour has now had on her professional life, her emotional wellbeing and the ability of her to function at home, how angry she is with him in so many ways, the effect it's had on their son, and how he's now got to put it right, all of it?

I never really have a set scedule......as I am rather disorganized but if I do decide what I want to do or am in the middle of something interuptions or changes in plans do frusterate me. I think your husband should respect that...does he know that he's walking in and interrupting things and doing that intentionally or have you not specified why it is an issue? I would say you should try and talk to him about it...and if he can't respect that you need a scedule during the week and can't appreciate the compromise of you taking a bit of a break from that on the weekends that is a problem.