AS people with few friends: Do you enjoy being alone or are

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(ran out of space)

or are you "forced"?

I don't have many friends, only a girlfriend and a few other friends. This isn't by choice though. I love being around people and being social, but I find it hard due to extreme social anxiety/fear of rejection. When I want to go up and talk to someone new, I always convince myself they won't like me/think I'm weird.

But after reading quite a bit of these forums, i've noticed a lot of AS people simply have no interest in having friends/prefer being alone. That isn't me at all, I hate being alone and pretty much always have to be IMing/texting/face to face talking to someone.

I am completely unable to maintain friendships, I don't connect with people (in fact, I pretty much have no emotion at all), and, at the end of the day, I just hate humans in general - especially the ones my age.

Yup.

I do better being alone. There is always someone in whatever group of people I hangout with try to make it their mission in life to drive me out of the group or make me feel like I do not belong. F#ck Em' who needs them I am too busy trying my best at world domination playing Civ IV or Civ V.

The difference you are mentioning is more a matter of being an extrovert or introvert, it can exist independently of autistic traits, or at least, it can be perceived so. One popular notion that "HFA" people are more introverts while "AS" people are more extroverts, i.e. they are seeking interactions, but often fail because they show up as being odd or "weird".

I used to classify myself on WP as having both extrovert and introvert traits, as I try to interact with people, search for friendships or romantic relationships, but I'm fine being alone for quite some time, have few but close friends, and I know I'm not very social compared to other people around me, I never was.

What you describe here sounds a bit like social anxiety disorder, where the key feature is this extreme fear of rejection. I think most of us having ASD have this trait too, but it would be more a result of our bitter experience with socializing that stem from our brain wiring rather than from a past trauma or bad experience alone, or maybe oversensitivity.

I've only got one real friend but I don't see him too often (he has AS too). I don't need anyone to keep me happy because I can quite happily spend hours alone reading or playing computer games. I've always been like this though. For me, friendships have always just happened. I never really do anything to keep them.

I'm intensely-lonely. I see my bf about every other week, and my parents every third weekend or so,
but other than that, I just ravenously-devour my time spent in class (I'm a college student) or at the doctor's,
since it might be the only instance someone talks to me that week.

I personally-know precisely 4 people in the world.

I developed a pattern I had since i was a child and it goes like this... Meet people, become acquaintances, isolate myself for long periods of time never calling or talking to anyone, then eventually drifting away forever...

I'm forced. If I could, I'd be with people a lot more of the time, but in practice I find it difficult to tolerate them for long, and I tend to lose people one way or another......I guess I lose them because I'm an Aspie, but it seems to be a different reason every time I lose one, and often it seems to be more to do with their problems than with mine. Maybe I just don't notice when people are hideously unsuitable for me, so that losing them is inevitable.

I'm hoping to get used to being alone. I suspect that it's unwise to try to make friends from a position of intense loneliness, because the desperation of it tends to get in the way of selectivity. So maybe I can "find myself" first and then make better decisions about who I want to be with. But staying in alone so much scares me.....I keep feeling that I'm going to die this way, and that I should be out there searching while I'm still healthy enough to do so. Special interests help, but they too scare me because I think I might easily forget all about social matters if I find something absorbing enough to do....I know what I'm like, you see.

I'm not really sure where you get this impression. Granted you don't see lack of friends as the chief complaint on this forum, but if a person has gone most of their life not having friends due to a natural tendency not to seek them out, lack of sufficient knowledge required to make friends, or lack of ability to form deep relationships or maintain friendships, then when all is said and done, the person has survived up until this point in a relatively friendless state and it is effectively their normal and natural state.

I think that NT's generally possess a drive to seek out and a need to be with others that those with AS generally do not, or not to the same degree, and so really would not be nearly as bothered by not having many friends as an NT with no friends for whatever reason would.

Those with AS who do find themselves amongst a bustling social environment also tend to get overwhelmed quickly and need a lot of alone time.

The bulk of strife over social relationships seems to be in the romantic realm, and why these relationships are more sought after, especially amongst the men, probably has to due with sexual urges and the fact that self worth and perceptions of success and self adequacy in our society are more closely tied to ones ability to obtain a girlfriend/wife/boyfriend/husband, than one's ability to obtain a friend.

My 'friends' (whatever that really means...) - My brother. My cousin (who has AS apparently).
I like spending time with them once in a while but I have no real 'need' for it. Friendship is good for laughs, if they understand your humour and theirs is amusing. ('Inside jokes'!) It is the kind of fun you can't really have alone. We can't discuss anything if friends are supposed to do that though. We only play computer games and only talk about things relating to them.
I don't mind being alone. I wouldn't mind having no friends...or, perhaps a bit.
Once in a while I get envious of people because they can do interesting or seemingly fun things that I can't because I don't have such friends (such as try playing D&D (though it's possible I couldn't for real because of various other problems) - I sort of *could* with my cousin and his friends, kind of, but he always makes it all a joke and I would *much* rather play it seriously.)
So perhaps that is feeling lonely? I feel lonely sometimes, very rarely, is then the answer.
Mostly I don't mind solitude.
I have never approached people for friendship ("made friends"), but when regularly in an environment with some people, somehow some always come to me to try to be my friends and they tend to be the irritating/boring sort. Perhaps someone thinks I should appreciate it when they do it, but I really wish they'd leave me alone.
On the very rare chance that I would fancy talking with someone about something because they are interesting, I am not confident enough to approach them.

Last edited by Luci on 16 Aug 2011, 5:55 am, edited 3 times in total.

I was an extroverted child (until 7yrs) and then became very shy. I used to think of myself as a shy extrovert, but now I'm not so sure. The shyness is not so much of a problem, but I live life as a typical introvert these days and it doesn't bother me. I've never really figured this one out, but the personality quiz says I'm an INTJ. Sometimes I enjoy speaking and my husband's friend even told me that I come across as very confident and self-assured, and he admires me. I think I'm just good at acting, because that's not how I feel at all.

Nowadays, I feel I don't really want many friends. I have a husband, daughter, parents, a best friend, a good friend, a few acquaintances (just people that I talk to when I see them) and a few of my husband's friends whom me meet as a couple, very occasionally. I stand with a group of women in the school playground and, from a distance, have the appearance of being clicky (as if). I do speak with them (I'm quite chatty at times and have to be careful not to monologue), but have difficulty when too many people are there and I can't keep track. I will walk home by myself, chat to my parents on the phone for 20 mins then not speak to another soul, until I meet with my best friend, to walk to school, other than the very occasional coffee morning with my 2 friends. We have play dates with my best friend and her kids about once a month. When I take my daughter to after school lessons, I may speak a few sentences to another parent and prefer to read or do a puzzle whilst I wait. I do Zumba, but I don't speak for long to anyone, although I'm friendly and liked and a few of them have sought me out on Facebook (pointless really). That's my social interaction, 5 days a week. Weekends are family time. I suppose I'm lucky to have my family and, if I didn't have them, I suspect I would be lonely.

That's me all over. Out going and talkative from 3 to 7, became very shy, used to think of myself as a shy extrovert, but having second thoughts, and sometimes people say I come across as self-assured, even though I don't always feel it.

Then again, I've also been told I visibly lack confidence. I can't tell whether it's just the person, or how I feel when I talk to them.

I worry about my daughter (5 1/2). She's very outgoing, but she might come to realise that her approach isn't always having a positive impact. I'm sure that's why I lost my confidence. My mum didn't even realise I had become shy until a teacher mentioned it, as I was fine at home.

I've been told that I'm either visibly extremely nervous or don't appear nervous at all, even though I am. This happened at my last interview. I'd done my homework, but I couldn't get at what I wanted to say. The panel never saw me as nervous at all, just lacking in knowledge. I was also told that, prior to the interview (it was internal), I was the one to beat, then it all fell apart.

For me I would like to have friends. I have lots acquaintances but few friends. My wife has alot of friends so I see them from time to time. I work at a comic shop but I am slowly losing interest in comics and am thinking if quitting as I have another full time job. The main reason I don't quit is because the people at the store are my main social interaction each week.
I have been wanting to get into card games and such recently but don't even know whether I should because I don't know how to invite people and I overthink every social interaction. My wife says some if her friends would play but I always feel awkward inviting people over.

I really don't mind being alone so much as I need friends so I can do some of the activities I enjoy.

For me, it's 100% by choice. I strongly dislike having anyone come over, and no matter how good a friend it might be, it's an invasion. Same thing when going to do errands, or working, or virtually anything. The only one always welcome to be next to me for traveling or going places, is my wife... Others once in awhile, but usually I involve or invite only to be polite. When it comes to doing any kind of work or project, I can't even do it very well if there is anyone around. I excel alone!

Charles