Selective Mutism with my sister

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Hey all. I am reading aspergirls! Great book btw...validates so much of my experinces...it feels like she wrote a book about me.

Anyway she was talking about selective mutism...it has been discussed on here before, but I did not know what it was, even more so, that I do it from time to time. '
I spent all of middle school, selectively mute...thought I was just shy...but realized that it was sooo much more.

Anyway, to the issue, The only problem I have with selective mutism now is whenever I around my sister.
She is an awesome, giving, and just plain amazing person. However she has a zero tollerence for BS policy...the only problem is her perception of what is BS and what is not.
She can be very judgemental and quick to anger if she even thinks I am messing with her. Trust me, I rather stick my head in a lion's mouth than purposely BS my sister. I love her dearly, she amazes me with her intensity and dedication to life, however when I am around her, I shut down and cant talk. I always thought that I did that because if people treat me a certain way, I just pull the ret*d card or something. But just now, reading Aspergirls, she explained exactly what I do around my sister...it selective mutism. I just shut down mentally, my brain freezes and if I do say anything...it is usually really stupid, but most of the time...I dont say anything. My body freezes to stiff guarded movements. I feel like I am soo utterly ret*d when I do this. It is almost like some people provoke this reaction in me, by why...why does is have to by my own sister who I admire and cheer for on the sidelines.
She is not a bad person, but a very giving and caring person, but she loves through action and not words.
Which I often did not understand until I got older that to her love is action. even though her words can be prickly.
I really want to overcome this mutism when I am around her because it really interferes with our relationship. She think I am low functioning and rather dim-witted, even though she loves me enough to do research papers on on autism in college and give me 1/2 of her life insurance benefits after dad died, cause he did not leave me any. She needed that money for college, but she gave it to me and I am so grateful for that. She has also swooped in for the rescue a few times when mom totally nutted up, even though she was in tremedious presure at school with finals looming.

However, her overactive BS-o'meter really intimdates me. Most people like that I just avoid them and go on with my day, but I cant and dont want to do this with my sister.

Example, she bought me an art project....a book binding kit. I really really wanted to do it, But I was horribly depressed and somewhat suicidal due to my mom's mental decline and clinginess. Living one day at a time was all I could do. Well then she found it still in the package she gave it to me, after I told her that I was working on it...but in my mind I was. I was working towards trying to work on it. It was so hard to clear my mind to do anything in the constant screaming and hysterics my mom was doing. And I was priming my mind to work on it.
But I havent got to the actual doing it part.
When she found it undone...she was sooo mad and felt like I rejected her gift.
That was not it all. I loved her gift. I was under such stress that I could not work on it.
Well she gave me an earful of how she wasted her money....blah blah blah.
All I could utter was a squeaky, I sorry
I wanted to tell her what conditions I was living under that prevented me from doing it, but the words would not come. My brain froze. comuncation shut down. Meanwhile she had no idea what that gift meant to me and how much I wanted to do it.
Things are better somewhat, and I am going to try to work on it.

Then there was the thing about the deoderant.
I wont wear deoderant, but I like to use baking soda. It works better than deoderant and doesnt contain toxic chemicals like antifreeze in it.
Well she bought me some deoderant and I used baking soda instead, she asked if I used the deoderant...and I got mute and could not explain to her that I used baking soda instead, but the reason she thought I smelled was because of the pants I been wearing for 4-5 days because I was away from home with no other clothes. I could not say all that so...I froze and squeaked out a yes...because it is techically the same thing. Then she found the deoderant not used. And got really mad at me and felt I was lying because I was disrespecting her and all of her efforts to help me while mom was in the hospital. I wanted sooo much to tell her that I did have on baking soda which can be used for deoderant...and that comercial deoderant has the active ingrients for anti-frreeze.
I could not say this. My mind locked up again and I froze up stiff and hung my head and said I sorry.
It was all I could say....but there was sooo much more beneath the surface that I needed to say to make things right to show her I was not BSing her...I just couldn't talk.

Many other times with her, I want to talk to her on the phone just to see how things are going with her and I just stutter or say something stupid but cant seem to think of anything intelegent to say...my brain just freezes and no matter how hard I try to come up with something intelegent to talk with her about., I just draw a blank.
So I learned a script, How are you, how is school, how is G,...in which she all just says "fine" to and I hang up.
But I so much want her to know who I really am and how much she means to me, but I just clam up when I am around her and if I do say something it sounds really stupid.
However, other times, I can have a conversation with her that flows, but that is rare.

what do I do??

Jojo

Show her this post?

Seriously, seeing you trying to figure out how to show her how much she means to you, and the explanations in this sort of setting might work well.

Perhaps what is really going on is you know you are actually a more intelligent person than your sister and have complex thoughts that she will not understand and you are afraid she will not be receptive to you attempting to explain them.

Complex thoughts take more brain power to organize and articulate verbally so require a lot of processing power.

I think that's a good idea.

Sometimes I have the problem that I am not even able to type a few words in my stupid keyboard. Once this happend with someone I like very much. I was able to call them back to a chat but as they came I wasn't able to write anything anymore. Like a blockade. I'm quite sure it gave them a bad feeling and I was mad about myself. That haunted me for weeks.

So I try now to put appreciation less in words and more in actions like painting or drawing pictures or something like that. Maybe this helps you a bit.

Definitely show her this post.

I think an excellent way to let her know how you feel, and she will gain a great deal of insight into your thoughts. Also, it sounds like writing could be a great talent for you in general. In the future, if you have trouble expressing what you want to tell your sister, writing to her might be a good thing to do. Then, she will maybe calm down a bit, knowing that all of this is going through your mind, behave better toward you (not getting so angry), and in turn, you will relax around her and be able to slowly start sharing your thoughts verbally with her.

THIS x 1000%. Show your sister this post. If she is really as you say, it will touch her deeply to hear of your "real" thoughts.

Good luck with this. I have selective mutism issues with family too, so I'll be interested to see what works.

Ok I will send this to her by email.
Hopefully she will not be upset with me digging up stuff, but it is a real issue between us.

thanks all,

Jojo