Let's Try to Get Along... Please

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A few weeks ago I received the following random (just came out of nowhere) PM from Swbluto...

So, how's everything going? I hope everything is going well with you.

Anyway, I just wanted to say that if you were wondering why I'm slightly antagonistic towards you at times, it's because you made the offensive remark in my very first thread on where you were doubting my IQ because my posts were "silly".

You can doubt my intelligence but not my IQ, you see. IQ is a number that cannot be doubted, just as the speed of light in a vacuum is a constant value that cannot be doubted.

My response looked like this....

You assume

1. That I would notice at all
2. That I would care even if I did


Sorry. Neither applies. You obviously have far greater social skills than I so if this is a game or if you are trolling, I am unable to keep up.

Nice chatting...


and for this reply I get called an "a**hole".

Guys, I have stated on numerous occasions that I am socially aloof to a pretty amazing degree and I stated it again in my PM to this person. In fact this person (a regular poster on this board) has amazing social skills and awareness compared to me. I am simply not capable of noticing someone on the internet being "antagonistic" unless it is really in my face (like directly calling me a name which this person never did until this exchange) or if someone else told me about it. And once I did find out about it I would not be able to really care provided I did nothing wrong to them. I spend my energies every day surviving my life and cannot spare them to these sorts of "games"

My request is that on this board that we have some appreciation for the disability that we share even though some of you have much greater skills and that we treat each other with some sort of respect. I would expect this name calling thing from an NT but would hope here that I might find some compassion. If I could take a pill and magically be able to navigate these social fields to your levels, I would. Alas I am stuck as fairly significantly Autistic so please try to give me a break.

Many thanks,
Karla

Did you report Swbluto to the mods? Stalking and harassment are against the rules here, and could earn him a perma-ban.

I also agree that you should report him.

F**k you!

It's a bit odd for that person to still be making a big deal about this, but I think your reply was pretty rude too. And if you did indeed make that comment the person refers to, that sounds like a really mean thing to say. I could see how saying something like that would make that person feel antagonistic towards you.

I did not because I honestly do not understand the exhange, the motive or how it is that I deserve to be targeted like this. It may be a joke. I simply do not know.

I was just hoping that we could all agree to have some compasion for another and not do this sort of thing. Or perhaps that someone with better abilities can explain to me what the joke was in this exchange.

If there's a joke, I don't get it.

I should point out that I have failed to interpret some of swbluto's posts that could have been jokes, insults, or both. So missing it now probably means nothing if there is anything "jokey" there.

Explain please how my reply is rude. I am stating facts that pertain to my disability. I do not have the ability to see this nor the social ability to care provided I did nothing wrong to deserve it.

Again, if I could take a pill and be able to understand that he was being this way in the first place, figure out his perspective on it and then take the "right" actions to make everything "okay" I would do it. But then I would not be posting on this board either. I am a person with ASD and it is not a mild form when it comes to social skills.

To me the reply sounds rude too.
but
I know that because this is an autistic forum that I will come across many posts with this level of bluntness and it's hard to know for sure if the person is even aware of how it will come across.

Also, what swbluto said about IQ being a constant is ridiculous. Intelligence is more important than IQ. I too cannot tell if it was a joke.

I think using sarcasm in this forum is redundant. I try to avoid it when I can or share it with people that I know will understand.

I think the main problem for the other guy really was your initial post that he mentions. If you really did "question his IQ" blatantly with a post of your own in one of his topics because he was being jokey/silly, well.... to alot of people, that's not just rude.... that's directly insulting. It's basically calling them stupid. I can understand his irritation, though sending a direct PM about it is a little strange to me, I dont claim to understand that bit.

And I can also understand how he might percieve your reply as rude also.... it really does look that way. It kinda sounds like you dont care how he feels about it.... that's the impression I get from reading it.

And dont get me wrong here: I deal with this sort of thing on a VERY frequent basis, so I totally understand that you probably WERENT trying to be rude and were honestly confused. Unfortunately, as you're probably well aware, this can lead to all sorts of problems in communication. Frustrating, yes?

My only suggestion would be.... be careful about what you say. Examine your posts carefully and see if you cant spot anything that might potentially be construed by others as an insult (or just plain rude/mean), even if YOU fully know that you do not mean it that way.

Hopefully I'm being helpful instead of just confusing here. I cant tell.

Uh isn't intelligence and IQ the same thing? IQ does measure your intelligence so if you doubt someone's intelligence, you are doubting their IQ. If you doubt their IQ, you are doubting their intelligence. This doesn't make sense. I don't see the joke either.

I have never noticed he had amazing good social skills. He just seemed socially awkward if he is always unintentionally pissing people off.


And I have been told on here that posting PMs here is against the rules unless they are from spam bots or someone sending you a nasty PM.

You are not being confusing... just not helping. I am requesting that we do NOT make it a requirement for me to "be careful" on this board. I am hoping that I do NOT have to examine my every post carefully to see what may or may not be "construde" by others as rude. I do NOT have that ability. I have been on this planet for 48 years and have not picked it up. Congratulations all of you who do understand this other person's perspective and have the ability to integrate more readily on forums. I wish I could. I simply cannot. As a result of my disability I largely avoid any forums or sites that are not related very specifically to high tech as I cannot seem to stop from offending people elsewhere when I post. I get along fine in high tech and am largely understood here on this board. I was hoping that we could all agree to give people on this forum the benefit of the doubt in these more "blunt" messages and to have a bit of compasion for the fact that some of us are simply not able to step up in the same ways as others. So can we please just make the logical assumption on this board that some of us have ASD and cannot see these "social" mistakes without resorting to name calling?

That's all I am asking...

BTW: With respect to that supposed IQ remark. I have NO recollection of this first post to which he refers so cannot defend myself. Again... I really do not care about something that happened so long ago that he never called me out on at the time but instead played games with me all this time only to eventually send this PM. Makes NO sense.

Silly is a word I reserve soley for children. When used in regards to an adult it will instantly be seen as a passive aggressive attempt to attack their intelligence and/or understanding of a situation, etc... Perhaps not so passive in the right situation.

I've gotten used to your personal style and I can 'hear' the meaning in your words. I know you are not trying to be blantantly offensive to anyone. But, that blunt offering of an observation is, many times, taken as a direct insult by the more socially aware on this board. And I do have issue with that in regards to this board specifically. Too many people do not stop and rethink their reactions when they feel insulted on this board. Here - more than any other message board - everyone should have the awareness to stop and remember the population they are interacting with and, when in doubt, simply ASK a poster to clarify. Instead of copping an attitude or getting panties in a bunch just simply and plainly ask someone what their intent was. If they are being INTENTIONALLY rude then you can tell them off if you feel the need.

How many of us have suffered from a lack of consideration of our intentions when the words have somehow come out wrong? We simply have no clue what we said wrong yet others are mad, offended, disgusted or simply consider you an a**hole because "how could you not know..." Treat others as you wish to be treated. Reap what you sow. Insert your own favorite, meaningful proverb here...

Facts are not inherently rude. If someone has read too much into an innocent comment and has held a grudge over that misinterpretation - I would call that silly. A simple message asking for intentions and explaining the reaction a suspect comment caused would have been much more helpful, productive and possibly even educational. Acting out on that grudge isn't silly - it's bullying behavior. If you feel the need to 'get someone back' over something less critical than, say, murder then you need to check your priorities.

Karla - darling - you are blunt! As blunt as they come. But everyone here should be helping to guide you and anyone else struggling with the finer points of social interaction as best they can. It's kind of what a support board is for, right?

There wasn't a joke in this, K. I do think there should be a warning sent, due to level of your upset. I think your reply was truthful, and probably he was thinking his apology would take differently. He definitely had expectations of something different.

I do get a sense of a lack of respect in some of sw's posts, here and there, with the members/board.

I've seen these exchanges in NT forums, and it is human, so I wouldn't worry about a faux paux.

Am I the only that thought this was funny? He actually is right in his argument.

But I get what you're saying. Much of this stuff goes far above my head too.

Even on this board though, it's GOING to happen. One way or another, it's something you'll have to deal with.

Some people, such as myself, do in fact make the logical assumption that you speak of. But even here, on an autism-related board, there will be plenty of others that simply do not / cannot understand it. One way or another, this fact is absolutely unavoidable. Logically, you must understand this fact. This is why I said what I did.

The only OTHER solution is to mostly just ignore the type of person that DOESNT get it, and try to meet more that DO.

Hopefully though, it'll at least happen LESS on this forum than on others, but again, even that isnt guaranteed.


As for why that guy brought it up so late.... ah, I can understand that one perhaps. I've done that one before, due to a warped perception of time and general airheadedness. An easy mistake for some individuals to make.